[toughtimes]

Good lecture calamity! I know I will write that on a post it listen to none of what they say and only 50% of what they do! Repeat!

I seem to forget everything when I'm around him!

[osb]

Thanks for your input, OSB.

Current doc equates MLC to a mental health crisis, for which depression may be the root cause (and in which narcissism and passive-aggression may appear, but are not previous hallmarks of the MLCer's character). I can live with this definition! The MLCer's behaviours and coping mechanisms are similar to those of an alcoholic; and therefore she recommended the same coping mechs for me as she would for someone living with an alcoholic.

Think this make sense and fits into what we observe in our MLCers. Wich are the mechanisms for someone living with and alcoholic?

Would say so, many of the risk-taking behaviours in MLC are self-medication. And they always end up falling. But wouldn’t the connections and how they are managed been messed up with the imbalanced levels plus the hunt for endorphins, and the rest of the lot? Any idea why some MLCers can last many years in Replay? It is exhausting yet, there they remain…

Thanks Anne. What I've been advised:  As with an alcoholic, don't expect one minute to lead logically to the next. Anger is often right around the corner. Always have a safe place (physically and/or emotionally) that you can get to. If emotions show up (yours or H's), give them limited reign before removing yourself from the situation and de-escalating. Keep things pleasant, live in the present, get over heavy ground lightly. Set clear boundaries, and simply walk away if he crosses them. But if you can do it safely, don't stop nurturing. Be the one safe place for H where he can try to get his act together without judgement.

Overall, not much different from what I hear about on this board!! Am trying to live this, since my H and I still live in the same house and thus spend a fair amount of time together. FWIW H's scary acting out has slowly decreased; and more to the point, my fear has mostly gone. This may just be a matter of time, rather than the success of any one coping strategy.

Think the replay, the chasing endorphins will likely continue until the high no longer works and H bottoms out. Sheer mental and physical exhaustion might be just the key. Hoping H has less stamina... but I fear he can keep this up for some considerable time.

[Anjae]

Thank you, OSB. From what I know of alcoholics some of them never get their act together and many are dangerous to be around. We have lots of alcoholics is the main cause of domestic violence around here. But maybe those are the most severe cases. I know there are several levels.

The recommendations are similar from the ones here on the board. Mine left and I’m glad he did. Even out of the home, a few times he come round our flat he was violent. I’ve long moved back home. I’m physically safe but husband remains in MLC.

I think the same, the replay will last until sheer mental and physical exhaustion makes them stop. But some manage to last any years. My husband has been on it for over 6 years. And that is strange. He used to need a lot of rest, has been depressed twice before MLC and it took him far less to need to stop working and gave sick leave. Now he does not seem to break and crash. Weird.

[Ready2Transform]

I think the same, the replay will last until sheer mental and physical exhaustion makes them stop. But some manage to last any years. My husband has been on it for over 6 years. And that is strange. He used to need a lot of rest, has been depressed twice before MLC and it took him far less to need to stop working and gave sick leave. Now he does not seem to break and crash. Weird.

Anne, do you think his prior depressions actually built his "tolerance" for MLC, allowing replay to last longer because his body and mind were already used to not being "normal"?  That just popped up for me as I read your post, and wanted to throw it out there.

[Anjae]

No, Ready2, I don’t think is prior depression built his “tolerance” to MLC. The second depression was worse than first one and he reached critical point much faster. That is the nature of normal depressions. The second, or 3rd time, it will be faster to get to critical point. Depression leaves a mark inside a person. He was depressed and burned out. The physical and mental exhaustion lead to the depression.

My friend the psychiatrist says that recurring burn outs/depressions will arrive first and are harder to go away. Or, at least, the sequels will be more severe.

MLC is a beast of its own.

[Ready2Transform]

That's interesting, and I have to admit, made me feel 'better' (not really the right word, probably) in some way.  H had several bouts of depression in his teens and twenties, and I was hoping they didn't lay the groundwork to make this worse.

[Anjae]

A person who has been depressed has a bigger chance of depression that a person who has not but MLC is something else. The depression part can come from their previous depressions (they are susceptible), however in a normal depression they don’t run, they just become “dead”. They start to loose speed and interest in things until they’re totally incapable of getting out of bed. In MLC they somehow transform the overt depression into more energy. The endorphins OSB talks about. Along with everything else we know. If only it was a normal depression…

[Synicca]

Just wanted to jump in here on the thread topic.....I'm going to go back to right after BD....when I had my emotional breakdown and ended up in the "Pac unit" ( Only my H and MY family know what happened to me) Anyway, I HAD to talk to the counselor before being released....I told him about what My H was doing....He was instantly furious and said.." no wonder your a nervous wreck, Your H is whacked out and going through a mid life crisis, He Will regret everything in 3 years"

I also at a later date asked my own doctor about MLC.....and he said "Yes that men go through it...its not all about sports cars and younger women...he said, its men trying to hard to stay young and it throws them for an emotional loop"

I also called a pastor that counseled husbands and wives going through an affair recovery...he said he was 100% felt that MOST if not all mid life affairs come from a crisis.

But then of course tell your neighbor or friend and they look at you cross eyed! ugh

[Anjae]

I HAD to talk to the counselor before being released....I told him about what My H was doing....He was instantly furious and said.." no wonder your a nervous wreck, Your H is whacked out and going through a mid life crisis, He Will regret everything in 3 years"

Yep, no wonder we're nervous wrecks. They will regret. All former MLCers i know regret it. All end up divorced with the LBS moving forward and no longer wanted them back. Sadly sometimes it takes more than 3 years.

I also at a later date asked my own doctor about MLC.....and he said "Yes that men go through it...its not all about sports cars and younger women...he said, its men trying to hard to stay young and it throws them for an emotional loop"

Not all men go through it but many will. Same for women. Think all of us here would be very happy if all it was about was the 20 years blonde and the red sports car. That would be a walk on the beach for us.

I also called a pastor that counseled husbands and wives going through an affair recovery...he said he was 100% felt that MOST if not all mid life affairs come from a crisis.

In one way or another I think most affairs come from a crisis. In MLC that is even more obvious.

But then of course tell your neighbor or friend and they look at you cross eyed! ugh

Yes they will. And the ones of have a spouse that has an affair and/or MLC will divorce and move forward. Most people do not waste much time with a cheating and/or mad spouse. They just end the marriage and move forward.

[NewAttitude]

As far as I know, there is no EA or OW or anything.  (There definitely is not an OM on my part!)  I think he does see me as the 'bad one' so his friends male or female, he just jokes with and has fun with them.  I don't think that counts as an EA.  However, I'm just plain tired of the loneliness.  We both live here but I am tired of the rule changes he has made: no touch, no hugs, no sitting by him...  We sleep in the same bed but God forbid that he cuddle or touch.  I have no idea if this is MLC or just 'he's done' but at this point.  This has just been going on for so long with only slight improvements before it roller coasters down again. 

I am tired of waiting for a positive change and if it goes downhill worse than this, well, I just am at my end of my patience.  I know my troubles iwth MLC or monster (though I think he has done monster and maybe I have if you count my words during the most horrific family stress period ever...)  However, my words are like etchings compared to his words through the heart.   Maybe I shouldn't complain and maybe I don't have the right to because I know things can be so much worse but ... how do I explain?  It's like I want a return to our good times or making better times and he, I feel, has tossed me into a forgotten corner in the room.  I see posts that say if you can wait and be patient, often times, this 'MLC' or depression or behavior, whatever you want to call it, will get better.