[rediscover]

I searched the site but couldn't find a thread on this subject.  If I missed it please feel free to combine threads.

I have questions about standing and the LBS having a physical relationship or dating.
I am standing. I love my husband, I love my family.  I waiver between wanting to stop standing for my sanity and continuing to stand for the same reason.  My husband and I had a very active sex life. We had sex every day, unless we were apart or one of us was seriously not feeling well.  I miss having sex.  I am attractive, and even when I was with my husband I was hit on all of the time.  When I was crying and a mess, locked in my house early on in H's crisis I didn't have a problem.  The more social and the more I live my life as IF he is not coming back the harder it is to resist attractive men.  I have went on a couple of dates, they were not typical dates with a regular guy I met at work or a bar. The dates were with one man, a celebrity that I met in April.  He's very nice and a perfect gentleman.  Extremely attractive and I do my best to stay away from him, because I can easily see myself rebounding to him.  I also have been spending a bit of time with a man who is friends with my husband.  He and I were not friends before H left.  We happened upon each other by chance and started talking.  He's very nice and he does not talk to my H, he hasn't in a very long time.  Not only do we laugh and have fun, we are both very sexual and it has been very tempting to just go for it.  Both of us have reservations because of the friendship with H.  He's very aware that IF anything happened between us it would only be sexual, it would not be a relationship. 
I have, even before my H left, thought he was with someone else.  He is.  Last month I found out they are living together. He still has not admitted the relationship began before he left.  It did.  I'm positive it did.  My H was not a faithful man early in our relationship.  Was he faithful during the entire marriage?  I doubt it, especially in the last 3 or 4 years before he left. He was traveling more, he was away from me for longer periods of time because he was throwing himself into work. He was searching.  So, yes it is highly likely that he had affairs with women aside from the OW.  I can forgive him for this, I know I can.
Could he forgive me?  I don't know.  Also, IF there is a reconciliation how would this fit into the process.
I thought for the longest time that I didn't want another man in my life.  It's not that I want to spend my life with another man, I just want a man.  I want the friendship, the connection, the intimacy.  I'm not sure others feel about this.  It seems it's not talked about very much.  I do know a few women that are standing that have had other relationships.  They don't talk about it much, but maybe because they are actual people that I know and not a complete stranger looking for answers.
Any thoughts? Any one else with the same issues?
thanks

[turkisheye]

Wow, I am so glad you posted this as I too have this issue. It's only 2 months since H left but I miss sex so much. I'm 35 and in my sexual prime. I too do not want a life with another man but I do miss and enjoy sex. I am not sure how that fits in with me standing?

I too am very interested to read any other reponses.

Edited my post to be a bit more clear. It is sex that I am missing more than the actual flattery of male company.

[Chloe1977]

Hi Re,
Nice subject. I've thought about it a lot myself. My H and I had just re-ignited our fires about 8 months before BD. In fact, the last time we were sexual together, it was AMAZING. That was 1 week before BD. I haven't had sex since then, 2 years and 3 1/2 months. I've had offers. Especially when we first split a few guys who know my H hit on me. Of course I turned them down.
I hear what you say about wanting to be with a man, but is that what you really want? Or is it just the attention? Could it be that you need a release and sex is one of the closest ideas you have of one right now?
Believe, I'm in no way judging you. If a great looking guy walk up and kissed me it'd be EXTREMELY hard to resist.
The thing you need to ask yourself is....could you forgive yourself? A person can be forgiven if they forgive themselves. If you couldn't forgive yourself, then there's no reason to ask if your H could forgive you.
But please, please don't think I'm judging you because I know what I'm saying comes a little bit across like that. I'm just relaying what I've said to myself so many times that I can't count.
When my H first left I thought I was so horny I was going to explode. Then I realized that it wasn't that I needed sex, it was that I wanted to be loved and my emotions had no idea how to manifest themselves other than to tell me that I needed sex.
Good luck.

[JD]

Great topic.
I'm in the same boat. 

[rediscover]

It's definitely sex I miss. I get plenty of attention. I usually go out with out makeup and just in jeans. Last time I dressed up to go out was on D10's birthday and H met us for dinner. After, went for a walk with my D's and a girlfriend. Three guys gave me their numbers. My gf was jealous.
It's definitely the physical contact that I miss.

Actually, even the morning my h told me he was leaving after he told me. He had sex with me. He left for 6 days and came back for 5 days. We had sex every single day he was home. We always had an amazing sex life.

Everything about this MLC/LBS situation really stinks!!!

[With Gods Help!]

Its so hard its a catch 22 sitch.............we can stand for the rest of our lives and our h's never wake up or if they do will they still want us...........so many of us get offers for another R, dating or whatever.............but can we handle that emotionally its ok saying its only for the intimacy no strings attached....but can you handle that ............loneliness can lead to bad choices or choices made out of desperation............were at risk of rebound and we face the same problems our h's face if we have not dealt with our own issues first............not only that if your still married then that would be adultery too........its so hard when all you want to is to feel apart of a R again............but don’t do it to get your h back or for revenge because you will only hurt yourself.........everyone as choices and i think its up to every individual what they choose no one can tell them its ok because its not them that after deal with the after affects.................my friend did this.........did she feel better NO but its something she as to live with.................. but i do understand how people arrive at this decision it can be a very lonely time standing xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[StandandDeliver]

good topic rediscover. Like turk, I am  also 35, had my last baby over 2 years ago and feel I am in my prime too. I feel less inhibited than when I was younger and my libido has returned following childbearing and breastfeeding and I do miss sex a lot.

I mentioned before on the forum that I have had a fling with and old friend and a short relationship with someone else (blips in my stand, I guess) in the last 6 mths and I do not regret these events (my H and I had serious intimacy problems that were exacerbated by 2 years trying to conceive no. 2 , my pregnancy, breastfeeding, his madonna/ow problems and his passive agressive behaviour in crisis. So by the time BD happened, (the discovery of the affair) lets just say I have never felt less attractive in my life than then. Having sex with someone who thought I was attractive and sexy and appreciated my body and did not have any issues with the fact that I was a mother was so refreshing that thinking about it almost makes me want to cry! I don't know how it would affect H and his likelihood of return if he knew (he does not know about the fling with the old friend, but he does know I dated someone I met in my new town), but in all honesty he is so emeshed with OW that I don't honestly think he could possibly care (he has been living with her for a year and still seems to be chasing the infatuation high - which I don't think he actually feels anymore). For me the sex was liberating, but I would caution that it could be quite easy to find oneself feeling lustful and confusing it for love in a MLC fashion.

I miss sex, but I do not want a relationship right now. Because I married quite young and was very inexperienced with men, I did not give too much thought to how having a physical relationship might affect the man I was dating - I thought that men were great at seperating love and sex. Turns out, that may be the case in their 20s, but men in their 40s are more sensitive. So, I ended up inadvertantly hurting the guy I was dating when I ended things - he seemed to be taking things more seriously than I was, EVEN though I warned him that I did not think I could offer him a proper relationship the way my life is right now, with the kids and everything. Anyway, I don't have any answers. The fling with an old friend I truly do not regret and will not tell H about it if he were to ever want to return - he removed himself from my life and so the details of it are no longer his concern.  I am not dating now because I realise that next time I sleep with someone I want to be in a place where I am ready to consider a real relationship and I am fully healed, and I still have quite a way to go on that one.

[LisaLives]

The definition of "standing" accepted by most people here, including RCR does not allow sexual dalliances.  How you choose to conduct your life, though obviously, is up to you. 

I have always been honest about my sitch.  I have had a lovely FWB arrangement for over 1.5 years, since six months post BD.  But, I understand myself to be a rare woman who can separate sex and love and I am liberal enough to want to.  I have sometimes considered myself standing in spite of that.  I feel like all has to be fair or I wouldn't even want him back--if he was able to go off and have an affair, and leave me for her--if he ever got it in his head that he wanted back, well, he would have to accept that I didn't want to be alone while he was setting up house with some other person.  That's just me--I considered my marriage over on BD, so I never felt I had anything to be ashamed of and I did not ever believe I violated a promise or hurt anyone by doing what I did.  Only you can know how would feel, but do take enough time to be sure, living with regret would suck...   

However, I know now that I am no longer standing, and my FWB arrangement is ending.  It is two years, the divorce is final, exH is remarried and I want to open myself to the possibility of something real.  Dating sucks, but I like being a half of a couple, I just do, I want to go to parties with other couples--I don't get invited to them anymore, and I hate that.  I also love to cook and entertain, and in that regard, I can be a great asset to someone who appreciates that, and my H never did.   

Anyway, that's all stuff to put in my thread.  I think if you go that route, you would not be considered a "stander" here, but you have to do what's right for you.  And I get it, for me if was about sex, not love or even companionship, though I like that too, and my FWB really probably is my best friend, but at the heart--it's about sex...  That was never the part of my marriage I considered sacred, just the bonus!   

[missybuddha]

Thank you for posting this!
My h and I had great sex, it was frequent and varied and loving and the sex we had after the trial separation was especially mindful.
Right now, as much as I love sex, I couldn't have a R with another man (or woman, It did come up in an individual session as part of MC had I thought of being with a woman but I know i'm not gay.I have gay women friends but I know I'm straight)
I would be using someone else and it's only been 3 months since h dropped bd 2.
and I'm too emotionally caught up with h even though i've distanced and detached brilliantly in many ways.
Gah, well I'll just wait and see. but he was my lover for half of my life. sigh.

[LettingGo]

I think we all feel your pain....

I've been having sex with my husband consistently since a period of "hyperbonding" at about the 4 month mark, I think. It has been good, great, excellent, terrible, ho hum... successful, NOT successful.. fulfilling, tender, distant..... same as a FWB sitch. I like sex just fine, but what I really enjoy is the superficial intimacy, the paving the way.. showing him I'M not the cause of his ED, LOL!! and confusing him about his "R" with OW.

Sometimes... no... a LOT of times I feel my beauty and sexuality and personality is being WASTED... collecting dust, and when my husband gets his sh** together he will have missed so much and I'll be an old lady by then, LOL!! So, I get where you are coming from. You must really think this through and follow your TRUE GUT INSTINCTS.... as your husband is finding out, a fling on the side brings GREAT complications.... some you weren't prepared for....

Long ago, someone asked my Grandmother if she ever thought about finding a new man for companionship.... (her husband, the love of her life was deceased at 52).... here is the answer she gave....

"Yes, I have thought about it.... but I figure the screwin' I'd get wouldn't be worth the SCREWIN' I'd get...". She knew it wouldn't just be the companionship she so sorely missed.... and she knew it wouldn't be fulfilling.... she knew it would just be another COMPLICATION.