[wkramer]

Sorry all if this is a hijack; I have not had a chance to read the blog and so don’t have any questions there…but this thread coincides with a past experience that came to mind recently, so it seems like it might be an appropriate place to share….

When I was in my early twenties I worked in a situation with two other women – one my age (a friend) and one about ten years older (I did not know her well).  During my entire employment, the older woman was having an affair and later divorced her husband.  Having not yet experienced a partner’s infidelity, I didn’t react with any visceral disgust or emotion to this situation, but even then, I always found it very strange that this woman believed that my friend and I wanted to hear details about this particular aspect of her life.  She was a friendly lady, but she seemed to lack social boundaries – or that his how I explained her weird disclosures.  Now I see it differently.  I think that the need to disclose is part of the affair…it increases the excitement (and perhaps allows the adulterer to rehearse and internalize their justifications)…but ultimately, I think its mainly just a technique for ratcheting up the excitement…She needed us, her unwitting co-workers, as an audience for some strange reason.

I bumped into her a few years ago and she was recently remarried (not to the affair partner, but to another man).  I anticipated (actually kind of dreaded) a long conversation to ‘catch up’ on her life but she ironically had almost nothing to say about her new husband.  Funny how the marriage doesn’t require an audience, but the affair usually does.  Whether one finds their audience in an unwitting and captive co-worker or by publishing an anonymous blog doesn't seem to matter.

So this woman was having an affair and wanted to tell people about it? Weird.

I had an affair over a several year period. When our co-workers and friends finally found out the best description of their reaction would be stunned.

We worked hard at disguising from everbody what was going on between us. (In our case it was partly to keep our employer out of our business).

I honestly don't know anybody who has ever tried to tell me the details of their extramarital affair. I don't think I'd know what to say!

[Doc Hudson]

Thank you, wkramer, for stopping by again.  I have to say, none of your replies are surprising to me.  In fact, it's exactly what I suspected that you might say.  I hope that no one tries to convince you that you are wrong.  I don't believe that such an excercise would be fruitful.  Anyway, I wish upon you all that you have earned. 

[Shantilly Lace]

Ok so you wouldn't discuss having an affair with anyone but you blogged about it. 

Erm ok.

Do you see the irony in that?

Anyway I haven't read read your blog aside a couple of posts but to be honest I don't think I can stomach it.
I can not be prepared to read how it all happened. And by the way doing what you are doing with your wife won't affair proof it. I used to do all those things with Dearheart. I was BD'd when our fifth girl was 6 months old. We were going places together, snuggling and the like. We discussed things and made plans. And it didn't stop it.
Bet her husband never saw it coming  and was blindsided. Maybe your ex wife saw it coming and just withdrew.  I don't know and neither do you as they may say one thing to your face but feel something totally different.

Maybe one day I can read. But just looking at those posts I did made me angry at how thoughtless everyone was. You may not have chosen to be attracted to her but everything  else was choice, was you not caring enough. Different continents or not. You didn't care enough to try.

I am not going to change you. All I say is good luck because as far as I can tell from your last post. You have cheated more than once which makes you not just an adulterer but a serial philanderer who like excitement.

[Doc Hudson]

Oh, yes.  I love a parade.  Does anyone have any peanut butter?  I love lamp posts this time of year.  Lunarscapes!

[forthetrees]

Here´s my question: Why lie about it if your end goal is to ditch your primary partner? What purpose do the lies serve?

Thanks for taking the time to answer.

[wkramer]

Here´s my question: Why lie about it if your end goal is to ditch your primary partner? What purpose do the lies serve?

Thanks for taking the time to answer.

My apologies but I'm concerned I don't really understand the question. If what I've written below doesn't answer your question then I'd be happy to try again if you rephrase it.

My original end goal wasn't to ditch my primary partner. I didn't think of it in terms anywhere near as deep as that.

Later, after I'd fallen in love (and admitted it to myself which took quite some time), I lied to prevent the implosion of my daughters home life. I wanted to stay in their lives until they left for university.

(In truth I never really had to lie. My ex-wife never asked any questions that required lies)

[With Gods Help!]

Hi sorry i just have to comment on the line below.im not having ago im trying to understand the mind of a person having an affair.........

(In truth I never really had to lie. My ex-wife never asked any questions that required lies)

You never really had to lie to your ex-wife.....so did your ex-wife know when you were going to work you were meeting o/w ..........just because she didn’t ask.... do you see yourself as not lying to your ex-wife about your whereabouts when supposedly at work........you did not really lie is that not lies enough when you were meeting your now wife behind her back or do you not see that as lies.........OR are they only lies when confronted........do you believe what the heart don’t see the heart wont grieve............Thanks for your answers.......

P.S. as your ex-wife seen your blog........would she come to a place like this to tell her side and maybe get some answers or as she now healed .......or don’t you ask.................

[Returned]

Forgive me if I missed this wkramer but my question is: If your W only wants to have sex twice a year and you are not happy with this situation why didn't you just separate from her, tell her why, and get a divorce first? Why all the deception? It just baffles me why go through all the lying and sneaking around....

[Synicca]

I wanted to chime in here as well..

WK....I only read a small portion of your blog as I dont see any reason to go further into your personal life.

I wont judge you for your choices that you have made...I have been there too. I am no saint.

I think what your doing here is somewhat helpful to me...as I have always wondered what a man thinks when he has cheated because my H has had several PAs in our 25 years together and I often wondered what makes someone do that to their spouse one that they say they love....Did you tell your wife that you loved her while you were having this affair?

Im not going to judge anything....in fact no one should. The only one anyone answers to in the end is God.
SO I wont even try.

I would like to pick your brain though.... If you dont mind?
Syn

[wkramer]

Hi sorry i just have to comment on the line below.im not having ago im trying to understand the mind of a person having an affair.........

(In truth I never really had to lie. My ex-wife never asked any questions that required lies)

You never really had to lie to your ex-wife.....so did your ex-wife know when you were going to work you were meeting o/w ..........just because she didn’t ask.... do you see yourself as not lying to your ex-wife about your whereabouts when supposedly at work........you did not really lie is that not lies enough when you were meeting your now wife behind her back or do you not see that as lies.........OR are they only lies when confronted........do you believe what the heart don’t see the heart wont grieve............Thanks for your answers.......

P.S. as your ex-wife seen your blog........would she come to a place like this to tell her side and maybe get some answers or as she now healed .......or don’t you ask.................

I'm not really qualified to argue philosophy or semantics.

I never really had to lie. But what I did do was deceive her.

Perhaps this is splitting hairs too thinly?

My ex-wife hasn't read my blog. She wouldn't come here because she has no need to. I don't think the wounds were ever sufficiently painful to require healing.