[Moving Forward]

WK,
I have kept a diary since I was aorund 13 or so - all that teenage angst and pain had to have somewhere to go! 'The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13 and 3/4' (Sue Townend I think) lit the flame for me (great book it has to be said!!)

I burned all of my diaries when I was around 25/26 or so - can't really remember why but I have occasional minutes when I wish that had kept them.

My last 15 years have been documented fairly well - I supplement my writings with a Journal for when there is just too much going round and round in my head! Both my diary and Journal have seen some real action in the last 2.5 years ...yet I am grateful for them now as I can compare how I was feeling then to how I am feeling now. All moves in the right direction (which is good news!!).

A roll of lining paper and coloured pens got my exH's descent into MLC into perspective for me in the months after BD - I still can't read my Journal from that time as the words are still so hard to read - but I am confident there will be a time when I can read my Journal and they will just be words about someone I used to know.

I thought very seriously about leaving my Diaries and Journals to my exH in my will....then eventually decided against it. Not in a nasty vitriloic way...my diary writing and diligence to keeping a record of our life together always impressed my exH and they help chart a good marriage which was filled with love - not the rewritten horror he punts around to friends and family.

Oooh said quite a lot there really - I didn't set out to ramble on!

Take good care of you wk - I feel your story isn't over yet

P

PS I write my diary and journal in green ink with a pen my exH gave me!

[Stillpraying]

Most of them just make me sad that people in MLC don't seek help, or therapy, or SOMETHING! I particularly don't like the abandonment of the children involved.  I don't think I ever realised quite how far-reaching the consequences of a MLC actually are. I'm slightly ashamed to admit that until I came here I only associated it with the joke version of buying a sports car.

Of course some of the other posts here make me feel like pondlife which is perhaps why I haven't read more widely. I have no doubt that getting screwed over is horrible but being the person on the other side of this equation, at least if you think about it, is not a nice place to be either. (And no I don't expect or deserve any sympathy!)

I also didn't read much more than I did because I found myself being slightly irritated by the repeated references to God (perhaps this is just a result of the American-centric nature of the website?). Having come to atheism quite late in life I now find references to God to generate a similar reaction to that given by an ex-smoker to those who still smoke.

Many off us here, didn't realise what MLC was all about either until it hit our spouses and we searched for more info.  You're not alone on that one.  And yes, it is awful for the children.  I have 4 young kids and it's so hard to explain what is happening with dad.

We wouldn't want to trade places with our MLCers even though our sitch is nothing to be desired.  The guilt and confussion etc are not something I'd want.

I'm Australian and Christian.  I don't see any 'Americanism' about the God reference.  I think people are truely hanging on to all they have.  That's all my grandmother had when she and my mum and uncle were in a concentration camp for 3.5 years.  There are those on this site who aren't christian but we are all respectful of each other's beliefs.  I like that.  It's one place I dont' get 'shot' down for my beliefs. Satan turned away from Goid and hates his name too, so I'm definitely not surprisedn you can't stand hearing about HIM.  It's your choice at the end.  God doesn't force anyone.  But like anything, every choice has it's consequenses.  What dou you believe in, out of interest? 
I also commend you for sticking with us here.  We can learn a lot from your posts and ansers to our questions.  We have so many and we certainly don't get much response from those who leave us.
SP

[wkramer]

'The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13 and 3/4' (Sue Townend I think) lit the flame for me (great book it has to be said!!)

Yes it was Sue Townsend (and they were great books). I think I still have them somewhere.

I burned all of my diaries when I was around 25/26 or so - can't really remember why but I have occasional minutes when I wish that had kept them.

I wouldn't worry too much about this. I find that I can't really understand my diaries from many years ago. They refer to things I can't remember or don't understand!

A roll of lining paper and coloured pens got my exH's descent into MLC into perspective for me in the months after BD - I still can't read my Journal from that time as the words are still so hard to read - but I am confident there will be a time when I can read my Journal and they will just be words about someone I used to know.

When I looked back through mine (obviously from the 'other side' they were a part of my life that I recognised but couldn't really associate with. "The past is a foreign country"

...they help chart a good marriage which was filled with love - not the rewritten horror he punts around to friends and family.

I think my blog (part of my diaries) probably presents history in an unfair way. Yes there was angst, and unpleasantness, and arguments, and resentment, etc. But there was also lots of good things that for some reason didn't get written down.

Take good care of you wk - I feel your story isn't over yet

Of course it's not! I have a half Finnish daughter to raise into adulthood.

PS I write my diary and journal in green ink with a pen my exH gave me!

Sadly I have gone all modern now and use Microsoft Word!

[wkramer]

Many off us here, didn't realise what MLC was all about either until it hit our spouses and we searched for more info.  You're not alone on that one.  And yes, it is awful for the children.  I have 4 young kids and it's so hard to explain what is happening with dad.

Having read about MLC I just want somebody to do something about it. I don't know what. SOMETHING!

I'm Australian and Christian.

I lived in Australia (in Melbourne) for a couple of years. It really is a wonderful place.

I don't see any 'Americanism' about the God reference.

I'm British which despite the state religion is very atheistic. I'm married to a Finnish woman which despite the state religion is one of the most atheistic places on earth.

I don't really want to debate the truly horrifying experiences that your grandmother, mother, and uncle must have had in a concentration camp. I don't think it's relevant and I don't think that anybody who hasn't had that experience has anything meaningful to contribute.

. Satan turned away from Goid and hates his name too, so I'm definitely not surprisedn you can't stand hearing about HIM.

Your beliefs are your own and they are not for me to question. I don't believe in God or Satan.

What dou you believe in, out of interest?

Well, once upon-a-time, I sort of inherited my ex-wifes parents beliefs about young earth creationism, the literal interpretation of the bible, the correctness and truthfulness of the Catholic Church, etc.

Nowadays, I believe in evolution, the big bang theory, science, gender equality, gay rights (I walked in the "Pride" march in Melbourne in 2010), etc.

(Walking in the "Pride" march was great! They absolutely loved us - the white, wealthy, educated, middle aged (me at least!), heterosexual couple with a child who turned out to demand gay rights! We got more invitations to dinner from that afternoon than we've had in years!)

I also commend you for sticking with us here.  We can learn a lot from your posts and ansers to our questions.  We have so many and we certainly don't get much response from those who leave us.

I'll post here as long as people have questions.

[Stillpraying]

Having read about MLC I just want somebody to do something about it. I don't know what. SOMETHING!

Join the cause!!!!

Yes, I do like my home, Melbourne.  But it's getting darn expensive to live here now.

I don't like religion either.  Neither did Jesus.  Thats' why he went against the Pharisees.  I'm certainly not interested in following any set of man made rituals.  I can follow the football and have religion.  I want faith.
SP

[wkramer]

Having read about MLC I just want somebody to do something about it. I don't know what. SOMETHING!

Join the cause!!!!

I think because so much of MLC is tied up with adultery it would be very hypocritical for me to do so. Perhaps I'll support you all from the sidelines.

Yes, I do like my home, Melbourne.  But it's getting darn expensive to live here now.

Yes - I know!

I can follow the football and have religion.  I want faith.

If you like football and faith can I suggest you start to support Arsenal. It needs faith to believe they're going to do anything good in the near future!

[Stillpraying]

Oh, I mean 'Aussie rules' rather than soccer.  Sorry, but I am a Melbourne girl.  Then again, being that, I can support both codes and more......

[kikki]

Thanks once again for answering my questions.

Most of them just make me sad that people in MLC don't seek help, or therapy, or SOMETHING! I particularly don't like the abandonment of the children involved.  I don't think I ever realised quite how far-reaching the consequences of a MLC actually are. I'm slightly ashamed to admit that until I came here I only associated it with the joke version of buying a sports car.

Don't be ashamed about this.  I am sure that most of us thought the same, until our formerly loving spouses morphed into people that none of their immediate family recognise. 
And the MLC sports car is fast being replaced by 4 wheel drives and motorbikes these days.   (My husband has both).

And yes - the devastation because of their actions towards their own children, would have to be one of the more destructive parts of the crisis.

Most of us are very keen for this to become far more widely known.  The fact that it is so brushed under the carpet is a little mind boggling. 

[wkramer]

It could be that you never experience feelings of drudgery and sameness with your newer wife, but if you do, or if there is unimagined tragedy in your life that causes extreme stress, do you think you will bail on the marriage with her, or are there any lessons learned

I don't know why I feel obligated to report back. To be honest I'd forgotten all about this website.

Does a sixteen week miscarriage count as an "unimagined tragedy"? Perhaps at our age it doesn't?

It has brought us closer together. We've spent the summer together in Helsinki (much to my employers displeasure - as if I could care less!) and have grown closer. The "unimagined tragedy" was terrible, undoubtedly worse for Anna than it was for me, but it is one of the many challenges that life with throw at us. We're ready to confront them all.

Am I going to bail? Not in a million years!

[NoRegrets]

wkramer--I forget--do you have children already?

How do you feel about moving away from them to Helsinki?

That makes me sad.