With some trepidation I am going to post my own situation, the laid back support from LT was different. Not sure of the feedback from here.
I thought my marriage was great, I had a loving wife, OK slightly wacky, everybody thought she was a bit stuck up… maybe to the point of rudeness, but beautiful and fun and I connected with her, good mother to our boys. I love her completely.
Met her 16 years ago, she was 24, me 30, she had a 2 year old son, who I took as my own, he is 18 next week. We lived together after about 6 months and married in 2000. We were happy, had two more boys, now 8 and 6. We argued occasionally, but I never really said my bit, my parents argued a lot (but still married after 50 years) but I never saw the point, I would always say sorry (even if it was not my fault) just to move on.
In 2003 moved to a house in the country, a bit of the beaten track, (but still within 15 min of a take-away). I spent weekends renovating and extending. She wanted to move somewhere with people, we did, maybe a couple of years later than she wanted, but I had to finish the house, and the market was not so good so it took a while. I think this made her slightly unhappy, but no so much.
We moved three 1/2 years ago. The new house was good, I starting renovating to suit her tastes, she started writing a book, most of 2010 was good, one of the best years as the boys were older and at school. Eldest was old enough to baby-sit. Then came the first of October 2010, playfully in the kitchen I slapped her bum, with affection, and that was the first monster I saw, for no real apparent reason she flew at me, totally out of character.
I know now that was the visible start of this, within a few days we were back to normal, but she slowly started backing away from the relationship, pushing away when I went to hold her, turning her head when I went to kiss her, then when we would go out she started to be overly flirtatious with the guys in the pub, like a dog on heat, and to the near point of violence with guys fighting for attention.
After 6 months of this strange behaviour, although I had asked before what was up, she then gave me the ‘I don’t love you’ line, I was devastated, she said it was my fault for asking, but as it was now out there was no going back. I told her that if she didn’t want me to ask she shouldn’t having given me reason to by her actions.
I did the crying, the pleading, the flowers, the gifts, (although I always had anyway) I booked and took her to MCC, there she explained to them the exact symptoms of MLC (as I now know) she told them I was a controlling (when?) and I drank too much (seem I got too drunk at a few parties in the past) I sat there stunned and cried. We were advised to go to separation counselling. In the car afterwards she said, lets not go there again, I not ready for want what they recommend.
She tells me I did nothing wrong, I don’t need to change as I am the man she married, its just her and people change. She said that the only thing that caused this was the resentment she had built up as we didn’t move house quick enough.
She has spoken of divorce, but never done anything. Initially she was leaving, alone, then with the boys, which I refused, then she wanted me to leave, when I just laughed. Since discovering the MLC thing I have a better understanding, now I tell her this is your mess, there is the door, you can always go, but your welcome to stay.
I have been told that she is waiting for me to have an affair so she can throw me out, but I guess that is just the Monster talking.
What else, the weight loss, the new clothes, the hours in front of the mirror, the 180 from dotting mum to two little boys to messing and joking about with the eldest, whom she had left alone as his teenage grunting and lack of sense annoyed her, the cheek and backchat which she now finds funny is now rubbing off on the little ones….
Monster comes and goes, usually every 2 months at its worst (coinciding with periods). I have had out all night drinking, lies, deceit, facebook and dating site searching (I have objected). New older enabling divorced friends (ex MLC WAS) have arrived, older objecting friends have gone.
Where am I now? Limbo. She will be forty next month. Last Monster was New Years Eve, the last two weeks she has been more of her old self, I had one hour phone call last week from her, just to chat, she also popped in the office to show me her new hair cut, all rare. Right now seems to be dropping back again as her period approaches. My head will go down.
I am as detached as I can be, we still share the same bed, we still talk and sit in the same room each evening, but she does avoids my eyes. She has starting saying hello when I return from work in the past few weeks….. That is something I guess.
Its been a while, but not long in the scheme of things, I have much more to add, but I think these are the bones, no as eloquently put as others. But it does help to write it down.
Prepared now to be ripped apart….. that is a joke, I am British, jokes may not travel well.
LifeTwo - Help! My wife is having a mid-life crisis - Advice please 2
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