[BonBon]

Hi HFF!

Bonnie

[hobo1]

Just some thoughts...  I'm remembering some things from earlier on right after BD.  She spoke very fondly about us living separately, and that the kids would come and visit me and even stay with me when I got my own place....  She wanted us to be happy, and she even offered to cook me food every Sunday, so that I can have food for the week!!

When I moved out the first time for a week, and came back into the house, she threw a spatula, and said, 'I knew it was too good to be true that you left'....  When I talked about a trial separation - perhaps for a year....  She said what happens if after a year, I dont change the way I feel?  Will I be STUCK here forever? 

In thinking about all this - I feel less angry, and I feel more sorry for her.  It is VERY destructive, but I'm realizing that it may be beyond her control.

[Dr. NO]

TB

since you asked......

New Developments:  I always read on LT of 'MLC W/M going monster and wondered what exactly it meant.  Well, I did not have to wait for it.  It happened this weekend.  My MLC W accused me of stealing (!) her travel pouch (passport/cash carrier) and when I finally located it for her (and in spite of the fact it was loaded with various currencies) ...next she asked me "Where did the US$ bills go?".  I told her I don't know and asked how much $ she thought she had.  She guessed af number upon which I asked her to withdraw equal amount from our joint account , which she declined.

She was bit taken back by my no response/cold response/indifferene when she brought up the subject of D.  I repeated my std. lines.  "This is unnecessary and will cause destruction but if she wants it, I still disgree and that it will be her decision which also means to she has to work on it".

She asked me (I have gone 180, no talk, only email or SMS as it relates to kids) if I have worked on 'equitable distribution'. I answered in affirmative.  She asked for a copy of it.(!!!! She does not know what equitable distribution plan is!!!).  I told her it is in my head and I will respond when I see her proposal.  She looked at me as if I was talking Mandarin/Greek.

She threatened me (!) that (also accused me) if I try to poison her relationship with her family, she won't forgive me!   My response: She has destroyed her relatiosnhip with her family herself.

She felt (referring to stealing of Pouch) that she does not feel like 'she is being trusted in this house' and does not see a reason to stay here.  I told her (essentially reiterated) that since BD day, I have ZERO  trust in her so this is not and shoudl not be a news to her.

For me...working on my detachement.  Everyday making progress.

I do feel that I am not at all focused on my work (job).  This bothers me a lot.  Any suggestions that worked from Y'all would be appreciated.

Thanks TB for asking (update).

[Dr. NO]

Just some thoughts...  I'm remembering some things from earlier on right after BD.  She spoke very fondly about us living separately, and that the kids would come and visit me and even stay with me when I got my own place....  She wanted us to be happy, and she even offered to cook me food every Sunday, so that I can have food for the week!!

My MLC W talked all this and how she would be preparing all my favorite dishes when I visit her to pick up/drop off kids and how I will be her finanical advisor, business advisor, Tax accountant, etc.  Also how we all are going to have a happy, joyous life and that I will be still (? go figure) her THE BEST FRIEND.

MLC Land, what else.  Anything goes in MLC land, as long as it is irrational, illogical and does not make sense!

[limitless]

Just some thoughts...  I'm remembering some things from earlier on right after BD.  She spoke very fondly about us living separately, and that the kids would come and visit me and even stay with me when I got my own place....  She wanted us to be happy, and she even offered to cook me food every Sunday, so that I can have food for the week!!

When I moved out the first time for a week, and came back into the house, she threw a spatula, and said, 'I knew it was too good to be true that you left'....  When I talked about a trial separation - perhaps for a year....  She said what happens if after a year, I dont change the way I feel?  Will I be STUCK here forever? 

In thinking about all this - I feel less angry, and I feel more sorry for her.  It is VERY destructive, but I'm realizing that it may be beyond her control.

Hobo,

Interesting comments from your wife....I got very similar ones from my H.

On the day he left, he told the kids that "nothing would change."  He would get an apartment near our home - the kids could even have keys!  They could stay there whenever they wanted!

Well, here we are.....20 months post BD - 17-18 months since he left.  He is (still) "living" in the guest room at his parents' house.  Yes.  Things have changed - imagine that?   

No apartment...no keys....no overnight trips for the kids to visit him. 

I have no idea how he spends his days/nights/weekends.  He used to spend every weekend away at his parents' cabin.  I don't think he can afford the gasoline anymore for the trip.

Things haven't quite gone "as planned." 

Yes.  Sometimes I feel sorry for him, as well.

L

[hobo1]

Dr. No and MLC Monster....  She is saying all these things so that she can justify leaving...  She needs to run and abandon, and can't help herself, can't control herself.

Don't take Monster personally, it's not about you.  I find that the MLCer does a lot of projection...  Alot of what they accuse you of, they may feel guilty about themselves.  Just a thought...  if she is accusing you of STEALING, perhaps look to see where SHE may be stealing, just a thought....

BTW - she threatened D, why do you still have a joint account.  IMO, it may make sense to separate the accounts to protect yourself.

In my D scenario, while I was living at home, she had her atty draft a notice for me to have everything remain status quo... meaning I couldn't take substantial amounts of cash from our joint accounts, and even my retirement account, without her permission.  In her D proposal, she proposed that I take on a large portion of her debt, even after I wrote her a check to payoff half...

It gets ugly.  I know you dont want D, but if it's coming anyway, need to protect yourself.  Don't know what that does to R, but once you start talking D, you have to start thinking D.



 

[Dr. NO]

Thanks TB.

The joint account is existing joint account and money is used to pay for mortagage and utilities.  I still want her to pay 50% share of all opeating expenses.

I did separate my personal account, new business account.  I also transferred money in my personal account with recorded trail (transfers) and justification.  I moved sufficient money + have control over financial affairs to the extent ( I think  since I don't know how the clown (Crown??) judicial system works) anything she doing foolhardy with financial matters will have serious consequences for her.  And I am doing more, every day as I see fit.

Asked her to create her separate account as well and deposit her salary into that account.  When she asked me who was my lawyer, I told her not to be surprised to see me on the other side saying 'Your Honor'.  She was stunned.  But then MLCers are stunned at wrong things.  She is stunned and amazed (would have never believed in any such thing before BD or MLC) that her OM can describe the nutritious qualities (and who knows what else..calories, ANDI score, taste, smell, etc.) of specific dish from the menu card simply by dousing (I think that is the term) his hand over the MENU CARD!

Welcome to MLC Land - and loser MLC OP land

Reg. your W atty letter to freeze all joint accounts (or may be even individual personal accounts) how did it go?  Did you have to abide by that or temp. hearing decided otherwise?

[rover77]

'My MLC W talked all this and how she would be preparing all my favorite dishes when I visit her to pick up/drop off kids and how I will be her finanical advisor, business advisor, Tax accountant, etc.  Also how we all are going to have a happy, joyous life and that I will be still (? go figure) her THE BEST FRIEND...'
amazing...sometimes its hard to tell if they are lying to themselves as much as they lie to us..or do they just weave this elaborate fantasy..that life will go on without us in the relationship/sexual equation like some kind of warped sit com..its almost childlike

[Dr. NO]

TB,

You are right about D.  I must protect myself.  Am not worried about R.  If it has to happen, it MUST and WILL happen on my terms. And no R discussion (if and when time comes for that without Post-nuptial (at least high level agreement with clearly stated terms for moving along, and distribution of joint assets.).

To use the terms of Stock Options, I ran two scenarios.. fast D and Slow(dragged)D.  Since I don't want it, she can control the speed.  I want her to, since D is not priority for me.  Time may come when I want to speed up on D, in which case I told her that my proposal would be ready in 48 hours!

Back to fast and slow D.  I did mindmapping (listing advantages and disadvantages for both cases) and I was relieved to find that (this was objective exercise and while many may doubt my ability to do this for something so close to me -emotionally and financially, I am doing this thing for 10+ years in businesses and investments with great success) things would not be so bad at all in a fast paced D (if that is the route she takes).  Until I did this exercise I was apprehensive about it.  Still emotional trauma remains, but financially speaking I am comfortable with both scenarios (puts on those stocks I want to buy eagerly - and calls on those where I would be bit sad to let go of the stock, but won't be complaining since would have made enough money......just as an analogy).

Still feel sad about upcoming destruction.   I will still have roof over my head, great schools for my kids, and good food to eat and keep them warm through seasons.   I guess we get used to what we have.  When one hair is pulled from someone either  with full head or bald head, both of them are equally irritated, aren't they?

[Moving Forward]

I am now divorced from one very angry MLCer - I didn't want the divorce but he moved a break neck speed to divorce me and subsequently marry his OW - within 2 months of the divorce he was married to OW.

Anyway I saw the divorce a business transaction and looked at every option suggested as such - my lawyer wasn't my counsellor and i wasn't go to pay him £350 per hour to listen to my woes - he was there to get me the ebst eal financially as possible.

My healing and emotional stuff was sorted in parallel to the transaction of the divorce - my exH would send me the most hideous letters via his lawyer and I rarely repsonded to them - unless there was something which wa sgoing to benefit me and my kids. I am sure I drove my exH mad with frustration - he could monster spew via his lawyer incredibly well!

I had a simple mantra 'debt free, mortgage free and exH free' - if anything that was suggested was going to take me away from that goal I scrutinzed my motives very hard and rarely did anything which went against my key goal.

I am proud I have done a good fiscal deal - one which protects my children and also means I don't have to negoiate with my exH ever again - that's a good feeling!

Emotionally - I am still dealing with an MLCer - he is still hideous and angry and I am still lovingly detached and moving my life forward

Like I have said before MLC trumps divorce any day of the week!