[TrustingMyHP]

Since I've been NC with my H for almost a month, the longest we've gone without communicating since BD, I've been pondering its benefits and also wondering if it has potential costs.

While I can feel the benefits to me, mostly in keeping me saner and keeping me out of his drama, I wonder how it works for my MLCer.  The longer I go NC the more it feels like my H is "part of my past."  I feel that, if this goes on for a long time, say several more months, that it might be hard to "reconnect."  (This probably sounds silly to those of you who've been NC for many, many months but I worry about it.)

If I'm feeling this way, what is my H feeling?

Does he feel like the longer we don't communicate the less interested he becomes in me, less "connected"?  Especially since he's living with OW and has her to keep his time filled.  They're together full time.  He works out of their (she bought it) 54' boat which they live on and she's a semi-invalid so they have each other to talk to, do things with, take care of, etc.  He already has a pretty full emotional life, I'd think, with her so, if he and I are not talking or texting or emailing or seeing each other at all wouldn't it be easier for him to let go of his connection to me?  Is that necessary for his journey?  Is it a good thing or something I should fear?

Frankly all the togetherness he and OW currently have would drive me batty but my H's not complaining (it's been 14 months like this.)  In fact, he's made it a point over the last year to let me know he will never leave her.  Just two months ago he told me, "I will never do to OW what I did to you."  He was referring, of course, to leaving her.

We are supposed to seek detachment and while I can see it's necessary when one's spouse is being monsterish (mine was) does it help things (i.e. in terms of reconnection/reconciliation) in the long run to have extended periods of no interaction whatsoever or can it become an "out of sight out of mind" situation that makes it easier for the MLCer to move on?

What are your thoughts?

[With Gods Help!]

Ive never been NC yes ive tried but each time h as texted and even called to the house.....I personally don't believe in full on NC......I don't think it helps ..........however others on the board swear by it........i think if your h is monsterish then it helps defuse the sitch for you .......others say it helps them detach and its purpose is to help you and not to shock your h into coming home.......you know your h better than anyone and i would do what you feel is right....if you think it will push him further away or even for good then reach out ...........just be nice....text hi how are you..if you don't think your detached enough to be upset if he doesn't reply or does by being monsterish then don't.........mlc is a learning curve for us what works for some doesn't work for others...... do what you feel comfortable with not what you think others are doing........each journey is individual xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

[missybuddha]

my understanding is NC is only for the LBS so is also part of paving the way.
I've just had mega monster tantrum from him  and am going NC to protect myself. H knew I would never never give up on us,that I married for life and this , I think , has the effect of h feeling pursued if I am in any contact. he knows that in the depths of me I would work at our m, and he knows  that also because of the way he has been with me over the last two years.

I am just going to be consistent GAL and leave it.I need the space. I honestly don't think any of the "reaching out" I have done has helped me/us at all. h doesn't need to be reminded of how loyal I am. he could count on me never running from him which is why h is running now.

[Anjae]

I’ve been NC, except for serious family affairs (a passing away), legal/taxes issues since September 2008, with the exception of a goodbye letter I wrote him September 2011. It gave me space from monster, allowed me to detach and keep sane. Has husband forget I exist? No. He tried several ways of engaging me, including court cases.

I think what they feel if we don’t contact is that they are loosing us, so, now and then, they try ways of getting our attention. But I don’t thing falling for their attempts of engaging us will help us or them.

It may be easy for me to be NC because I have a vanisher…

Will reconnection be more difficult for those that wish it? I don’t know. On one side there is the NC and for the ones with vanishers not seeing them, the freedom that brings us, on the other, if we have a clingy boomerang or a live in MCLer we may have to deal with monster all the time. I had a clingy boomerang during OW1, for six months physically, for some eight at a distance (I had moved back to our hometown). I don’t miss the times when there was contact. They were a nightmare.

Last year, in March, I had to phone him because of legal/taxes issues. I got, among other things, monster. It made me realise how much better I was without having contact with him.

Yes, he his living with OW2. But if I was in contact if he had to go and live with OW2 he would had still do it.

No contact is for us. We don’t forget them, they don’t forget us (let alone when they keep serving us court cases, like mine) but the distance can, in fact, help us go forward and ending up leaving them behind.

[kikki]

Trusting, I agree with DGU.  It sounds to me that you are wondering if it is the right thing to be doing.
I have had periods of NC, but I have such a clinger, they never last too long.  When I get the feeling that it would be better to start answering his txts or calls again - then I do. 
I'm with DGU - no one knows your H or your situation like you do.

You're now questioning the contact, so maybe reach out to him.  And if he tries to suck you back into the drama - go NC again. It's a dance, and a constant juggling act. I don't consider NC to be a lifetime commitment.  I too have used it when I can no longer stand the antics.

[Mitzpah]

TMHP,

I will watch this closely because I feel the same I haven't seen or smelt my h, heard his voice, received any kind of personal attention from him since Sept 10, 2011 with the exception of birthday wishes (formal, stilted via FB) and one or two (maybe 3!) business e-mails. Our NC is his decision - I found out last week through my son that he decided not to contact me at all, to draw away from me (in his words), to make things 'easier' for me.
I do not initiate contact, respecting his express wishes at the beginning of all this, that he was to be left alone and I was not to pressure him.

It is very anguishing for me and we were very close before all this happened - has it gotten better? I don't think so... I still miss him terribly, it is a physical pain. Maybe it has been good for me in that I am not faced daily by his rejection of me, his disgust at my presence. Nevertheless, when I wake in the morning and remember he is not there, when I lay down at night alone, I look at my cell phone and there are no calls, texts or anything from him, it is hard and I still cry every day.

I wonder what it is like for him? I suppose, from the reports I sometimes get from the kids, that he is living a full and satisfying life, he communicates often with OW even when he has the kids, often putting them on the phone to speak to her, he is always in touch with his sister and does the same with the kids. They tell me about this. The only thing that they said was that he said he didn't like living alone and that was why he was moving to a larger apartment with OW and her two kids. Obviously she does not 'pressure' him and he has solved his issues

I wonder, in this next phase he is moving on to, whether he will be able to put me completely out of his mind, since I am not visible at all to him? NC surely helps here...

[missybuddha]

hugs Mitzpah
the loss I feel is great also.
courage, patience xxx

[TrustingMyHP]

Oh Mitz, I soooo feel for you.  I understand the awful going to bed alone and the waking up in the morning and realizing he's not there.

Some days I think the best part of my day was those few seconds when I first woke up and hadn't yet remembered he's gone.  And it's been 14 months! 

I've GALed like a trooper; made new friends; traveled; volunteered; renewed my faith; joined a choir I love; read every book I could get my hands on about MLC, hero's journey, depression, saving your marriage, etc. etc.; spent $$$ on therapy and coaching; come here almost daily to read and feel support and still it hurts, hurts, hurts.  As you say, not just emotionally but physically.

Am I stronger, more self-aware, more confident, more spiritual, than I was pre BD?  Of course.  Am I happier?  No.  Do I have a complete day where I can say, "I was happy today."  No.

When does that happen?

When I read others here write about how much better off they are and how happy they are I feel envious.  And wonder what I'm doing wrong, or not doing that I should be doing. 

Oh well, back to the NC question.  So many give the advice here to "trust your instinct."  But I can't feel a definate instinct about this issue.  I think it's best for me to be in NC but what instinct I can feel tells me I'm not helping my marriage.

Is that what I'm supposed to learn?  That it's not about my marriage anymore but about me. 

Just me.

TMHP

[missybuddha]

I was talking to my girlfriends last night about how now h is gone I don't have to consider his feelings, his needs, his moods, his plans his life. and how it was enmeshed and a massive habit and how I need to claim that thinking space back for me and my children
 (I still feel pre-occcupied ,though I have little contact) so that is my project. and that is what NC will help me do. re-calibrate the pie chart to thinking more about myself. create the habit.
I found this quote not sure where but it is helping me it was a bit of a 2x4 for me to read.
"Worry about his feelings.  How do you even know what his feelings are?  Okay, I get it.  You tell yourself that, at bottom, his feelings are like your feelings.  So, he’s bound to be hurting and thinking about you, and wishing he could go back in time.  It’s really touching to think of the two of you worrying about his feelings… and disregarding yours.  At least that’s one thing you have in common."

[Moving Forward]

Hello TMHP,
I read you last post, so beutifully written and simply put. I still miss my now exH - it is 2.5 years since BD and almost one since the divorce was final. I have written on here that I wouldn't change where I am for the world, or the lessons I have learned or the person that I have become as a result of my exH's MLC.

It seems to be me that when I read posts on this Forum that people are looking for a magic fix, a one shot which will salve their pain or heal their marriage or get the scales to fall from their MLCer's eyes and everything would be fine. The simple reality is that healing and acceptance comes from within and builds in thin layers until one day you have laid down good solid foundations and there is a shift inside.

There is a quote from the golfer Arnold Palmer, 'the more I practice the luckier I get' - this is the way with learning to live your life in an emotionally healthy place whilst maintaining hope of reconciliation but keeping the focus away from your MLCer. It is really hard work and is a very uncomfortable space for people who have been used to caring and 'enabling' within a marriage.

TMHP, you are doing really well to do all of these things for you which I wholeheartedly believe will bring you peace and healing - give it time, time will do its thing and one day you'll feel better, more aligned inside and you won't be able to put your finger on exactly why but you will - trust me!

((hugs))

P
xx