[onedayatatime]

Hi!

Thought I would add my two cents regarding this subject. 

When my husband decided to end our marriage and before I read or knew about mlc, I was angry, hurt and wanted to severe my reln with him.  I knew at the very least he was having an EA and thought back in 2010, when my world blew up that he was moving on with OW, even though she was married with teenagers.     

We were not blessed with children and I may have made a different choice, but I did take my maiden name back at the time of the divorce as a sign of independence.  He said I could anything I wanted regarding his last name...how generous.   

I do not regret my decision and my coworkers at times still refer to me as my married name because that is how they know me.  Back in 2010 it REALLY bothered me when people used my married name, but two years later, I answer to either.  It is who I was for 14 years...

odaat

     

[Stillpraying]

A great discussion going on here.
Phoenix and Limitless, your posts have helped me think a bit more about this too.

Personally, I don't want the name of a man who clearly does not want me.  I have briefly discussed this with my kids and so far seem ok about it.  In Australia also, I beleive it will cost me nothing if it's done at the time of the divorce.  In that regard, at present I have decided that I will not sign any divorce petition.  However, I will tick the box where it asks if H had started a new relationship before he left.  He can argue back if he wishes.  I will go to court and I am aware I will be divorced if it's what he wants as that is the law here.  BUT I will NOT sign out of respect for my vows, my God and my children.  It will be ALL his decision.

I made mention of name changes when we married and he was so heated up at the prospect of me retaining my maiden name (I really didn't like his surname but didn't tell him this).  At the time I felt it was odd and looking back I'm thinking it was another of his controlling actions as I was to be his 'possession'.  Well that's how I've felt.
I've been married to H now 11 yeass out of my 46 years of life so have been known as my maiden name a lot longer.  It's just the the people I associate with now all know me by my married name.
SP

[Faith]

Thanks everyone - great discussion.  Stillpraying, when we got married I wanted to keep my maiden name as my middle name (I hate my middle name) and then take his last name.  For some reason, even that REALLY offended him!  He didn't want my last name anywhere in there.  I thought it was weird, but being the dumb 23 year old I was, I let it go and just kept my ugly middle name and took his last name.  I should have seen the signs of control back then I guess.

Today I brought the subject up with D17.  She said she totally understands why I wouldn't want H's name anymore, but I could see sadness there.  She said it wouldn't make her feel any sadder than the divorce already does, so I should do what's best for me.  I do agree that it might be harder for D14 though.  Maybe I could legally change it, but still use my married name at my daughter's school.  I also work at a different school, so it could be awkward telling the kids to start calling me a different name.  I have thought maybe it would be acceptable for the students to call me Miss (first name) instead of Ms (H's name) like they do now.  Maybe then I could avoid having to explain the new last name.

If I didn't have kids I would change it back without a second thought. 

[Faith]

FTT - thanks for asking how I'm doing.    I posted a little update on my story thread last night.  We're in the pre-trial process right now & it's pretty awful, but the end is in sight.  Now that it's clear I can't stop this divorce, I'm ready for the war to be over and to move on in peace.  The custody/visitation piece has been finalized, but we'll be going to trial for the financial/property stuff for sure.  My daughter graduates at the same time as our trial, and the timing of that makes me really sad.  I asked H to postpone the trial for a month to allow D to enjoy graduation without that black cloud, but he refused of course. 

Really looking forward to a MUCH brighter future!

[In this for ME]

If I didn't have kids I would change it back without a second thought.

Yep with the way my ExH did things; I would have also.

[BonBon]

I can't say for sure but I think if I had kids that were on the younger side, I would probably keep the married name...I don't have kids at all so I'm not sure but that's a strong possibility.  With older kids, I would probably have to think about it more...

If I had divorced with no kids, I would change it back to my own name in a heartbeat..no question....I took his name to be a cohesive unit...if that cohesion were obliterated by a D, I'd dump the name toot sweet.

Bon

[whatever]

I asked h when he told me he wanted a divorce if he wanted me to change my
name back to my maiden name..he said it didn't matter whatsoever to him.  I
won't be changing my name because if I did my SIL and I would have the same
name....her first name is my first name.  Problem is they have horrible credit and
I wouldn't want to be confused more than we already are.  I do hope to be
married again someday and maybe I'll have a different name...or maybe the same
name.   Just my two cents.

[NoRegrets]

I ticked the box on the divorce papers that will allow me to return to my maiden name after the divorce is final.

However, by default, with the option to change my mind later, I'm keeping the same name as my children who are all boys. They can't stop the divorce, but I can try to keep as much stable for them as I can.

I'm keeping the name socially that kids all over this town call me, one that makes me swoon every time because it is so sweet and polite and a sign of affection, and that is "Mrs. H-----." I LOVE being called that by my children's friends.

Early after my separation, one of my son's friends started to call me "Mrs. H----!" very excitedly as he always prepares to crack a joke with me, and, as usual, I was very charmed. Then he caught himself and apologized, concerned that he had hurt my feelings. I said with pride that "Mrs. H------" is my identity in my social circle, and I love it that he and others call me this, but he may also call me by my first name if he chooses to do so. Then I thanked him for being so considerate.

And--shame on me--but a very dear friend says it drives her husband's new wife BONKERS that she still uses her married name. The new wife has demanded that my friend cease calling herself "Mary Jones" since she is no longer married to "Mark Jones." Well, the way my friend sees it, she can do as she darn well pleases, and she's not giving up her name if she doesn't want to. She was "Mrs. Jones" first!

OW will never take anything away from me that I don't choose to give up.

I will consider changing my name officially if I enter into a long-term serious relationship, but for now, while my children still have wounded hearts, and are minors under my responsibility, and while I FEEL like it, I am keeping the name I took by choice and with pride. I did justice to that name!

[Moving Forward]

I am now 2.5 years post BD, almost one year post divorce and 9 months since my exH married the OW and I kept my married name for 2 reasons:-

1. it is the name of my children
2. it is how I am know locally in social and business circles (I have a little chuckle to myself every now and again as the new Mrs was asked if I was any relation to her at a recent networking event!!! How I laughed when my customer called me to let me know he'd done it on purpose just to see her squirm!!!!)

I didn't give it too much thought to be honest but my daughter came home from school advising that one of her friends was very upset as her Mum had changed her name back to her maiden name following her recent divorce. It made me feel sad for the little friend and I realised that keeping my married name was the right thing to do!

I feel as if this topic is all about our identity and reclaiming it following the breakdown of our marriages - I am more than my name and my behaviours and attitude set me apart from the person I used to be.

((hugs))

P
x

[stayed]

This is a great discussion.  I live in Europe on the continent.  Everything here is done in my MAIDEN name... I had such a hard time getting used to it, again.  The banks, doctor office, all of them, when they call out MRS. maiden name... I used to just sit there, and would jump up after the 3rd. or 4th time that they called out my name.

Tbh, I cannot understand why we women give up our names, nor do I understand why our children take on the FATHERS last name.  You know the old saying... MOTHER'S BABY... father's maybe!!! seriously, the one thing we know for certain, that child came out our "V@g!n@'s".  I have never agree with we women and our children taking on the fathers names. 

I would definitely have returned to my maiden name and I, like Limitless, had been MRS. Stayed for a lot longer then I ever was Mrs. Maiden Name. 

I have two daughters.   The oldest one, who is Miss Professional took on her husbands name without a second thought.  My youngest daughter, and her husband took each others names and they are now both Mr. and Mrs. Stayed Husbands Name... and so are their children.  Officially on their birth certificates.  I have 3 sons and all of their wives took my sons name. 

Personal choice.  The idea though of being anybodies POSSESSION makes me gag and if I had thought about that 35 years ago, I would have kept my maiden name forever. 

Hugs Stayed