[BonBon]

How's this for backward thinking?

My parents have five children, all born in the 50's and me in the 60's.  They gave the two boys middle names but did not give middle names to me or my sisters.  The thought was that once married, we girls would use our maiden names as our middle names.  And that is what we all have done....just like they wanted.

However, one of my sisters and I both married in our 30's and I thought for a time I would never marry...and it always irritated me that I didn't have a middle name....I was just about to choose one and make it legal when I met my now husband. 

Either way, it was quite backward thinking on my parents part but no surprise considering their generation.

No matter how much I consider my husband family, and his family my own now, I wear a family crest pendant with my "maiden" surname....when push comes to shove, that's who I am and proud of it and if this nightmare has taught me anything, its to remember who I am as an individual.

Bon

[stayed]

No matter how much I consider my husband family, and his family my own now, I wear a family crest pendant with my "maiden" surname....when push comes to shove, that's who I am and proud of it and if this nightmare has taught me anything, its to remember who I am as an individual.

No kidding BonBon... no kidding!  I will never forget that again. hugs Stayed

[NoRegrets]

By my way of thinking, as I am socially, financially, educationally equal to my STBX husband, in no way did I ever feel that taking his name was a sign of giving ownership of myself to him.

Rather, at the time, to me it was a very romantic sign of love and full commitment to him as his wife. Now, to me, it means we are united in the same family under one name. We are "The H---s."

And I guess that another reason, perhaps the biggest reason that I don't want to give that up is because my married last name IS my new identity as part of my family. I still am a member of my family. My children and I are a family.

I don't want there to be a question in a hospital room, or when dealing with a billing or banking issue, or at school, of who I am in relation to my children. Having the same name as them is of social benefit; whether right or wrong, when people see that I have the same last name as my children, I am likely to be questioned less about my proper role.

I earned the right to change my name to my married name, the name of my children. I refuse to give it back. I will always be their mother.

Heck, this conversation has me thinking that I will never change my name for a man ever again, since I will never have another man's children. Any man who loves me will know how much my kids mean to me and will understand how I value carrying the same last name as my sons.

[stayed]

Ahhhhhhhh Cali, that was really sweet.  Made good sense too.  Now, I can see more reason for the kids to take on the MOTHERS maiden name, hehehe. 

hugs Stayed

[NoRegrets]

Funny you should say so. I just had a conversation with a Mexican friend of mine about naming culture in Mexico. She says the children always take both their paternal grandfathers' names and hyphenate these; the married woman does NOT change her last name but rather lends one of her hyphenated (I think it is the first of the hyphenated names) to her children who also take their father's first hyphenated name to form a new hyphenated last name.

All terribly confusing to a gringo like me, but lovely nonetheless.

I would go with whatever my culture dictated, frankly. In spite of the high divorce rate here in the US, women are still questioned about their role if they have a different last name than their children. It confuses people. Frankly, it makes me a little sad.

But if I came from a country where it is typical for women to have different last names than their children, I guess it would never be an issue.

[newmamacrushed]

This is a great discussion because I have to make this decision really soon.  I originally checked the box to keep my last name (husbands) because I wanted to have the same name as my daughter (almost 3).  She won't know the difference since she's so young, but when she's school age, I don't want the confusion with her friends, teachers or on documents.  I've lately been more inclined to completely separate myself from H and his family.  I'm really torn.  OW has a very similar name to mine and if they get married then it would be confusing.  It has already thrown people because she took over my role at his office and I've been told that people thought she was me.  I've got some thinking to do. 

[Faith]

I hadn't really thought about it before, but I'm with Stayed 100% that kids should get their mother's name!  We DID give birth to them for heaven's sake!

But other than that, I still haven't decided what to do.  Everyone's reasoning on both sides of the issue makes sense to me!!  H has been horrible to me for years now.  His family completely sided with him in his quest for happiness (and his sister while she left her family at the exact same time).  H's last name is VERY common and so is my first name, so it makes for a pretty boring name that's shared with probably 300 other people in my community.    The only reason I would keep his name is for my kids...but that's a big reason.  Ugh.

[BonBon]

Could you hyphen your maiden name with your married name?
That might give a little more continuity for the children...

Just a thought.

Having children would definitely make me think twice...but since I don't, it would be back to the maiden name in a heartbeat.  Bleh!

[Rollercoasterider]

There are 5 kids in my family (4 girls)--cousins. My mother had tow brothers, so I was the one with the different last name. My parents divorced when I was 4, but I grew up with both in my life. My mother had not wanted to take my Dad's name, but she did and since she did the same thing when she had a brief marriage while I was in college, I don't think he coerced her. But she took back her maiden name. That meant I was the only one in the main family (except my Great Aunts, Gram's sisters) with a different last name.
My Gram was well known in town and so was my Mom. My Dad had moved there when they married and moved away after they divorced--so he was not known. Gram and Mom were raised there. So I got awards and certifificates and invitations... with my families last name, not my Dads'. But my last name was my Dads'. I love my Dad and would never have done something to hurt him like changing my last name, but had he not been around or even if he would not have been hurt, I would have changed it in a heart beat. Gram had been the secretary at high school--she retired the year after I was born (I'm the oldest). When I went to high school some people knew who I was--either since I look like my Mom or they heard or knew. But when my cousins went everyone (teachers, secretaries) asked or knew who they were. Some kids would be embarrassed by that, not me; I wanted everyone to know I was Grams'; I was so proud of her and who I was.
 
A lotof kids have different last names than Mom and that can be okay. For me it wasn't about having a different name than her, but having a different name than almost everyone in the family. My cousins on my Dads' side were in town too and the youngest and I were in the same grade and went to high school together--he was and is my protecter. But they were from my Dads' sister, so their last name wasn't ever going to be mine either.
 
All of us girls are married now and I am the only one that changed her name. Okay, we are all professionals--2 are PhDs. Two had a dad who died when they were young--my uncle who died of melanoma after many years (their lifetime) of legal insanity mental illness. Their parents divorced due to the mental illness--she had to divorce him legally for assistance--my Grandpa encouraged her and that was how he explained the reason to me years later. I know that they are both very proud of our family and name.
 
I think one of the reasons I did not consider changing my name is because the name I had was not the name I really had wanted and I did not fully feel it within my identity. The other reason is that I want the same name as my children. I think that unity may be more for me than for them. Mothers who are widowed young and remarry are likely to have a different last name from their children and that seems okay.
As for hyphenated names...Um my first name is hyphenated so I'm not gonna add another!
 
But of course we don't have kids yet (though we've completd the process and the final adoption paperwork should be signed the week after Easter when our case worker's supervisor signs the wiating papers after her vacation!!! ). During the first weeks after Bomb Drop, before learning about Standing, MLC and Divorcebusting, I considered changing my name. I had a meeting at my college's career service department about 3 weeks after Bomb (and even that early it was obvious Sweetheart would leave, I knew I would n't stop him) and I made the appointment using my last name. I went there on a Friday or a Monday I think, because it was only a few days later (a Tuesday I think) that I read Divorcebusting and that, for me, changed everything. I knew then I could STand, I would Stand and that it was MLC--I read the MLC chapter first. From that point forward I did not consider changing my name. But my Knowing that gave me complete assurance in reconciliation was only a few weeks away. Had I been less certain, I might have waivered during the years of his MLC.
 
I think I might have been even a bit embarrassed to keep his name--especially in a family where I'm the only one in my generation who changed it. We'd only been married 6.5 years at Bomb Drop, no kids and it was not a name that mattered in my professional career. And when I am published in children's writing I intent to use my first name only; for my stuff here--the marriage work--I plan to use my hyphenated initials and last name--his last name.
 
Regarding changing it after divorce...I think back to the sitcom Who's the Boss. Angela Bower was her married name--her mother was Mona Robinson and thus I assume Robinson was Angela's maiden name. Angela was a high-level professional. She was president of an advertising agency. Eventually she started her own agency and I remember Tony encouraging her to do it by imagining her name as the agency: BOWER AGENCY. And that really bothered me. Someone at her professional level would probably not have kept her married name after a divorce--and I don't think her marriage had been long-term. It just did not fit with the type of person who Angela was.
 
So what fits you--what identity? That identity might be abouthaving the same name as your kids, or it might be about your kids having the same name as you--is it for them or you? It might be about the name you are known by professionaly if that matters. It might be as Startingoverincali said, part of identifying with the family you choose and part of the marriage commitment.
 
I am glad my Mom changed her name back. That gave us different names, and I wanted the same names--but not the one I had, I wanted hers. And that had nothing to do with how I felt about my Dad--he will always be Daddy, it had to do with the family in which I was being raised.

[With Hope]

I'm in the same situation as NewMama and just don't know what to do either.  My maiden name is somewhat common in the American culture, and my H's last name is VERY common in his culture.  I feel like the person I am today though is fully represented by the mix of my first name and his last name and makes it somewhat unique.  I was transformed by his culture and language into the person who I am now.  I learned his language and it became a part of who I am today.  A part of my maiden name IS my D2's middle name and we currently share the same three initials.  I LOVED Cali's perspective on it...but she has all boys, who will never change their last names.  My D2 will very likely change hers as our culture dictates, when she gets married (God willing) so then what?  I just don't know.  My aunt still carries the last name of her 2nd H, who SHE cheated on in an obvious MLC (with his then, best-friend).  He was such a great guy. 

Anyway, I am enjoying reading everyone's perspectives on this.  It is an interesting topic.