[fornow]

Hi,

What is the reasoning behind believing only 50% of the actions?  If H is lying (believe nothing he says) then why would the actions be any different?

Also while the average for replay is 2 yrs with shorter replayers bringing the average down.  How long are the longer replayers?

Also does the MLCer really trust the OW? Or is he so taken with her that he does not see some of her behaviour as showing a lack of integrity?

In the beginning H said he could not trust her, that he was not sure if he loved her but he was lonely.  H cheated on OW with other OW's (does this type of behavior continue throughout replay or does a MLCer eventually settle down with OW without continued cheating?).  Yet he has moved in with her and makes out she was an innocent by-stander to his poor actions.  He admires her youth, her slender body and the fact that she is an extrovert and go-getter.   
Both H and OW are very driven by status, they drive luxury cars and like designer everything.   I sometimes get the feeling that H is just part of the status symbols used by OW.  It is fashionable for young women to date men 10+ yrs older than them who are “well off”.  I could be completely wrong but if she is this type of person does H not see this?  That she does not really love him but loves what he can do for her.  If H was not a corporate executive I am sure OW would not have given him a second look.

H has always been a little status orientated and more extroverted than me.  I am more the introverted prefer the company of family and friends than a night in a club or pub.  H liked those kind of evenings maybe OW is a better fit than I ever was to H.  It is likely that maybe a MLC is a journey of self discovery and maybe like some articles have suggested, when we made our choice of mate we were too young to really know what we want.  It is only in midlife that we finally discover who we are and maybe, just maybe H has found a better match.

Take care

[Shantilly Lace]

Body language can tell the truth where the mouth won’t, and sometimes they will do things, that is a flash of things they used to do.
For example, Dearheart is supposed to be totally in love with ow.


Except one small problem.  Up until 8 weeks ago he had never lived with her full time.
All his belongings are here
All the things he loves are here
He buys things for us.


So although he says he loves ow, and some of his actions say it as well, other actions show the truth.


And sometimes these other actions can’t be seen for a long while.

[Niek]

Exactly the same things going on here. All his belongings are here in our house. He only took some clothes. Still buying things for the house. Buys presents/flowers for me. Even threatens me when I say I want to leave this house and don't want to see him anymore. Only thing is that he never talks about the OW. It is just like she doesn't exists. She is not to be found on the internet, nor are her children. Isn't that strange, they are in their twins. Kids from that age all join FB or an other online community. Seems like something is wrong with them.

Never told me he loves her. And how would that be possible. Love a person you just pick up from the pub? In his case I'm pretty sure: misery needs company. She uses him to bring some fun in her poor life and she for sure adores him.

[JAG]

What about those that openly state that they are NOT in love with OW yet they still call them and choose to see them and continue a relationship with them (while hiding it to the rest of the world)?

[Mamma Bear]

  Teenagers getting a RUSH and it feels good! They're hip! They're cool! Think 11th grade!

[JAG]

Niek,

My H is VERY secretive about OW.  When I would ask questions about her he said it was not important and not any of my business.  He said it didn't work with her because of many reasons (which is a lie because I know she is still in his life). H keeps repeating that he is not in love with OW and that she is just a symptom.  H also says that it was not a choice between two women it was a choice between two lifestyles and he didn't want the family...he wanted to be free.  Unlike in your case, my H is moving on full speed ahead.  He is subletting our apartment and telling me that if I can't go and pick up my stuff and the kids' stuff he can bring it down to us (he has also made plans for himself for the summer!). 

What am I to think?

[kikki]

Initially, my H was insistent that 'this' had nothing to do with the OW.  He didn't leave for her.
He said they were both very selfish, and it was like an 'old person's mutual support society'.  Nice!
But also insisted that we had a bad marriage, that we made each other FEEL bad.

For the past few months he acknowledges this was never the case.  This has NOTHING to do with me.
It was all about choosing a new life.  He doesn't want the old life.  (We're 27mths post BD).
He cycles madly now, between wanting the old and the new.  He's a mess still.

[watching and waiting]

I head the same things. It is not about OW...I would have left anyway.....


HUGS

[Ready2Transform]

Another one with almost everything still here at our joint home, over 8 months post BD and separation.  I boxed up the clothes he had in our dresser to make room for myself, and when he finally did take those, he left OTHER things from his car to take their place.  He might as well have peed in the corner to mark his territory!

Also secretive about the OW (until I outed them to family and friends, which sent him into a downward spiral), acquaintances still thing we're a happy couple, and he insists "it's not about the OW", not my fault either,  but about him needing to be who he was "meant to be".

Fornow, I think though obviously these generalities hold up for each of us, most of the questions you have fall into the "each case is different" area and can only be answered by time.  It does sound like the OW is a bandaid that's lifestyle oriented, and probably not, just by observation, something that one would predict to be permanent.  Just like with fancy handbags, other people's husbands that are snagged for status are quickly replaced by next season's model.

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

What is the reasoning behind believing only 50% of the actions?  If H is lying (believe nothing he says) then why would the actions be any different?

In my opinion, we say it because it's so much easier to speak than to act.  An MLCer runs off at the mouth to hurt us or make themselves feel better, or what have you.
It doesn't actually COST them anything, usually.  And their memories are so LOUSY.
When it comes to DOING something, well that's a whole different ballgame.  Think, isn't it infinitely easier to threaten us with separation than find somewhere to live?
Ask my H.  He found that one out for himself.
I'd change it to: believe 50% what they do, 0% what they say, -99% what's on FB.