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Author Topic: MLC Monster How/Will Your MLCer Acknowledge Mother's Day?

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MLC Monster Re: How/Will Your MLCer Acknowledge Mother's Day?
#20: May 13, 2012, 11:54:23 AM
I got a hug and a kiss and a "Happy Mothers Day" from exh and the girls picked me some wildflowers  :)

No money this year to go out for dinner or buy anything- no biggie.
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Re: How/Will Your MLCer Acknowledge Mother's Day?
#21: May 13, 2012, 01:34:20 PM
Much to my surprise I did hear from my H today.

It was a short email, not like last year's longer, mushier letter but sweet nonetheless.

Here's what he wrote: 

Dear TMHP,

I remember that day, many years ago, when after seeing you interact with D in some way (I forget now what it was,) your father turned to you and said with great sincerity, "TMHP, you are a good mother."  I know that it pleased you greatly.  It pleased me too.  You are a good mother.  Thank you for being such a good mother to D.

H


A little stilted perhaps but I did appreciate it.  I was pleased H remembered the comment my Dad (who passed away 12 years ago) made, and that H remembered how much it meant to me.

As a "reward," I eased up my current NC status and replied, thanking him for remembering my father's long ago comment and sharing with him a bit about what's going on in my life right now (I'm actually traveling, which he didn't know.) 

It felt right.

Happy Mom's Day everyone!

TMHP
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change; the courage to change the one I can; and the wisdom to know it's me.

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Re: How/Will Your MLCer Acknowledge Mother's Day?
#22: May 13, 2012, 01:50:42 PM
In my case, the MLCer is a mother. Son and daughter, D22 and S19 do not acknowledge their mother on Mothers Day.
In fact D22 hasn't had any contact with her mother since Sept 2010.

honour
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« Last Edit: May 13, 2012, 01:59:40 PM by honour »
Me 52,T 34,M 28
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Re: How/Will Your MLCer Acknowledge Mother's Day?
#23: May 13, 2012, 03:21:17 PM
Well knock me over with a feather!  I'm not a mom, and we never really did the "Pet Mother's Day" thing even though we have a lot of pets, so I had no expectation today whatsoever.  I haven't purposely been NC with the in-laws, but I was planning on just saying I hope my MIL had a nice day the next time I saw H, since he had mail to pick up soon. 

But this afternoon I get a call from H (actually 2 calls - I guess I didn't return the first one fast enough, so he called back 3 minutes later) wanting to bring his mom over to pick up some lawn stuff at the house I suggested they use for their garden.  I told him I'd leave stuff outside and he got all offended, "I can't come in?  Well fine, if you've got something going on I don't want to ruin your day."  Ah, passive-aggressive MLC, you are so predictable!  I very sweetly said I'd come out and say hi.  I haven't seen my MIL since pre-BD #2, and I have no clue how I've been portrayed by him, so I was up for anything.

Lo and behold, she was so happy to see me!  I don't think in my whole relationship she has ever been that  nice to me.  Invited me over in front of him - at a time when he's not at their house (he's living there).  Kept reiterating that she loves me, loves what I'm doing with the yard, etc. 

And wouldn't you know, the thing he came to get, he didn't take!  Same routine as the last 2 visits.  Basically here for no reason, but gives him a reason to come back if he wants one.  Filled me in on his job and gave me a big hug when he left (I'd been hands off for a few months, he just creeps me out.  Can I admit that?  Not the guy I love, and the thought of being near OW's cooties skeeves me).  MIL did too, with more ILY's and invites.

The whole thing was very bizarre and unexpected.  It's almost like this was my MIL's present from him, to see me, which is something I never would have imagined.  She's friends with OW on FB, but clearly, still sees me in the picture, and I have no clue what to thing of that.  H seemed healthy and upbeat, but still not himself.  No expectations.
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J

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Re: How/Will Your MLCer Acknowledge Mother's Day?
#24: May 13, 2012, 03:30:09 PM
As i had predicted...no email, no text, no call....I am not even disappointed because I had no expectation of it....but again....I don't need any of it because I already have the best presents in the world...two little angels that bless me each and every day...and underneath it all, even on my darkest days, I have him to thank for that...and it is for that reason that even after all he has done to me...I can still be civil towards him.  Every day I will get a little stronger...and a little wiser!
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Re: How/Will Your MLCer Acknowledge Mother's Day?
#25: May 14, 2012, 09:15:25 AM
I got a lame text!  That was actually more than I got last year though!! 
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Re: How/Will Your MLCer Acknowledge Mother's Day?
#26: May 14, 2012, 07:07:25 PM
As expected stbxH did nothing for me, no call, no text, nothing. Of course not.

I think the man is severely lacking in decency with regard to the way he treats the mother of his children. Nothing new. I must remind myself that this has a lot to do with his shame.

In fact, my sons did nothing for me, either. I had to call and text my oldest son late in the afternoon to make sure he was ok, as I'd expected some sort of acknowledgement by then. My younger two sons accompanied my parents and me to a nice lunch, paid for by my father.

I took these two sons round to get flowers for the mothers of their girlfriends. S16's mother was thrilled, apparently. I see this as my duty as their mother, but I did it happily and light-heartedly. It was fun. They are husbands in training.

My middle son did deliver a mother's bracelet that his girlfriend's mother made for me (beautiful--with their names and birthstone beads), but there was no card, no flowers, no breakfast--nothing thought up by any of my sons. Unfortunately, by the end of the day, I was deeply hurt by a lack of acknowledgement.

After all I've done for them--clearly I've done something wrong.

All I could think was that I'd coddled and babied them perhaps too much. I was close to tears by the end of the day after my parents had left. This is not the first time this has happened, either. I felt terrible about asking them for some recognition, that I'd make Mother's Day ugly. I also could just imagine how smug my H would be if he knew that my sons thought so little of me. But I had to take responsibility for this outcome, and do something about it. I also feel strongly that my H failed at his job as a father in that he clearly did not teach my sons to honor me--he was a terrible example. And his father was, too.

I really did not know what to do, but going to bed full of passive resentment was certainly not a good option. I thought about calling my father to get on his grandsons properly, but decided against it.

I feared that I was raising self-centered young men, caught in a cycle started by their father's father, unable or unwilling to honor the women in their life. I do think this is one aspect of H's failure that he feels but may not fully understand or see clearly, but that has crippled him nonetheless, and I don't want this for my sons. I want them to be confident husbands and fathers one day. And it is clearly up to me to bring them up on it.

So I called my first son last night to explain that I was very disappointed, and that in the future I expect a call or text early in the day, or that he would send me a card with something written in it, unless he really did not feel like it. He said that he'd waited to phone me because he wasn't sure if I'd be busy in the morning, "Ok, I WAS going to call you!" but it all sounded very passive, and like excuses and defensiveness. H used to act like that. I was disgusted. I told him that I was not interested in arguing with him, and I told him to have a nice day and I hung up. He called me back--that took guts, and I was impressed. He apologized and tried to assure me that he loves me.  I told him that this is not about me but about him, that when he is a husband and father he will need to do better for his family than he had done for me today, and be a better example than his father had been. Right or wrong--I said it. And I said that we were going to break this cycle--he could expect a phone call from me a couple of days before Mother's Day every year to remind him to do something nice for the mother of his children, something WITH his children FOR their mother. I told him that I need to hear from him more often anyway. He could call to tell me how he is feeling from time to time. It ended up being a really nice conversation, actually. He was quite sweet and charming. He said that he is nervous about his date coming up. So I asked him what he had planned and gave him encouragement. I told him I would send him some spending money for that date. We talked about me coming to help him move his things and clean up his apartment. He admitted he'd been texting his brothers--"What's up with mom???" type texts. They were having a laugh. The second time I hung up, I felt satisfied that we were in agreement.

S18 returned home shortly after that from his girlfriend's house with beautiful flowers--hydrangeas and a vase. He said he felt terrible--he said he told his girlfriend that he'd not done anything for me. I told him this embarrassed me--what could she possibly think of me, that my own sons didn't care? S18 was clearly very ashamed, and that disturbed me. He said, "Mom! You're a GREAT mom! Look at us--we're turning out great, and it's because of you!" True. They are my reward for being a good mother--but a little tenderness can be expected. S16, with his lack of impulse control, compensated by being very loud and making boisterous jokes and trying to provoke his brother into laughing, but I was not amused. (Well, he did get me to laugh by scribbling a home-made card in the middle of our conversation, "Dear Mom, I made this weeks ago. Love, S.") The three of us had a long talk about the importance of honoring the mother in the family. I told them, too, that I want them to feel confident as fathers and husbands. I asked S18 if his girlfriend's father was at home with his wife and children, and he said he was. I said that I think it is the father's responsibility to help his sons honor the mother of his children, and that I was very disappointed that their father hadn't done his job. S18 insisted that he was old enough to know better and that it was NOT his father's responsibility any more, that he just had been so busy--not that it's an excuse and he felt terrible. S16 balked and asked me if I was trying to make him feel guilty. I asked him if he thought it was appropriate for him to feel guilty? He said that he did feel badly, that he knows I am a good mom, that he and his classmates were talking about me in English class one day, defending me as an atypical mother, in that I was really especially nice and fun. That felt good, but it's not the same as being special for one day. So, again, I reviewed what would be expected--a card, some flowers, a text, or a phone call--something. I again said that we were going to break the cycle, that I very much want them to feel confident as fathers and husbands. I was fairly depressed and said that I only wanted the very best for them--that I don't want them to give up on love and marriage forever. It was sad.

Sometimes it is hard to be a good mother.

This is hard.
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« Last Edit: May 14, 2012, 07:36:22 PM by StartingOverInCali »
To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self-esteem, is capable of love—because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, unbetrayed values. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone. --Ayn Rand

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Re: How/Will Your MLCer Acknowledge Mother's Day?
#27: May 14, 2012, 07:41:54 PM
I bought my W a box of candy and a card, which was given to her from S7 as that's what he said he wanted to give her.  D11 took the trouble of making her a card at school.  Strangely, I found out that when W took D11 to get her mother a card she also had D11 get a card for her!!  She had D11 and S7 sign it at her parents' house before I had S7 give her his card and candy.  Un-f'in-believable.  I guess she wanted to make sure she had something to hang up in her little cubicle at work to show her co-workers what a great mom she is.  For my part, I wished her happy Mothers Day and thanked her for the beautiful children she gave me.  For her part, she told the kids to wish my mom a Happy Mothers Day because without her I wouldn't be here and if I wasn't they wouldn't be.  That was after she had told D11 that my mom was no longer anything to her since she wasn't her MIL any more.  Oh well.  Just another "worst ___ ____ ever" to go along with all the others over the past year.
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One day at a time.

Thundarr

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Re: How/Will Your MLCer Acknowledge Mother's Day?
#28: May 14, 2012, 08:26:24 PM
Cali - TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE FROM YOUR CHILDREN NOT TO DO ANYTHING!!!  Now that I shouted that out, and I know there are a few friends on the L2 site who would state to me: "she isn't my mother" but I know that Thundarr and others would be more: she did give me some of the most beautiful babies and I thank her and appreciate my wife for Mothers Day. 

NOTICE - I say MOTHERS DAY...NOT MOMMY or MOMMA or MOMs DAY.  Any woman can birth a child.  It takes that extra special person to sacrifice and be a mom.  Just like men, any one of them can be a father (or sperm donor in some cases) but it takes a man to make a Dad!  (OK, off of soapbox now).

Told wifey on thursday and friday to contact me when she wanted me to bring the kids by (s5 and s9).  She contacted me at 1030am on sunday/mothers day.  We figured out a time and I dropped the kids off with a card and a pizza hut gift card attached (soooo unromantic...he he he).  She said she didn't know what they were doing as she didnt have any money (ohh...so sad little teenager money spender partier).  I said OK, and left (I was wearing new clothes again...got to make her wonder).  Spent the day moping around as I am really their mother and father and texted a some L2 LBS friends.  S18 has nearly nothing to do with his mother so he and I had a late lunch while he complained about his job over and over and over again (but he told me Happy Mothers Day anyway).  Sheesh, if it is not one teenager it is another self absorbed entitled person.  Picked up the kids from wifeys by 8p and they had made cookies.  She encouraged them to give "daddy" some and I got 1 of each kind.  After I left the parking lot with the kids which made me feel tons better because they were with me.  I did make a nice text to wifey saying thank you for the cookies and they were delicious.  She responded properly with niceness.  Just a bit of lighthouse work I guess.

Last year just after BD I made a home cooked steak dinner with potatoes (sweet potato for wifey), broccoli and the works.  Gave her a statue of a mom holding a baby and a wonderful card and flowers.  NOT THIS YEAR!
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Re: How/Will Your MLCer Acknowledge Mother's Day?
#29: May 24, 2012, 12:09:04 AM
I'm late to the party on this thread.  :) Mother's Day 2010 was the last holiday before BD. In addition to gifts, brunch and a movie, H had given me a card that said,
Quote
"In every way a mother is incredible you are. In everyway a woman is amazing you are. In every way a man could love a woman, I do."
  He should have added a line that said: In everyway I could be hurting and deceiving you, I am...

The following year, he did email an offer (to me ::) )to give D money for Mother's Day. She declined telling him that she had saved her babysitting money and would do something for me on her own and have someone who loved and respected me like she did, drive her to a store if she needed help. I did not hear from him otherwise on Mother's Day. This year, there was no word from him to either of us in any regard. I still sent his sisters Mother's Day cards from me and D (his mother is deceased).

D made the day special on her own and we had a lovely time. I think some of these MLCers enjoy not acknowledging the LBS/single parent on days such as this, because they resent--are threatened by--our strength and commitment in the face of their actions and disregard. It infuriates Monster that we have not been broken and that we have kept on keeping on in the eyes of our children and others.

I'm sending belated respect and well wishes to all Moms (and Dads who are also mom) and commend the LBS men who helped their children remember their mothers regardless.
Phoenix
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Married 24 years
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He is a vanisher
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