As expected stbxH did nothing for me, no call, no text, nothing. Of course not.
I think the man is severely lacking in decency with regard to the way he treats the mother of his children. Nothing new. I must remind myself that this has a lot to do with his shame.
In fact, my sons did nothing for me, either. I had to call and text my oldest son late in the afternoon to make sure he was ok, as I'd expected some sort of acknowledgement by then. My younger two sons accompanied my parents and me to a nice lunch, paid for by my father.
I took these two sons round to get flowers for the mothers of their girlfriends. S16's mother was thrilled, apparently. I see this as my duty as their mother, but I did it happily and light-heartedly. It was fun. They are husbands in training.
My middle son did deliver a mother's bracelet that his girlfriend's mother made for me (beautiful--with their names and birthstone beads), but there was no card, no flowers, no breakfast--nothing thought up by any of my sons. Unfortunately, by the end of the day, I was deeply hurt by a lack of acknowledgement.
After all I've done for them--clearly I've done something wrong.
All I could think was that I'd coddled and babied them perhaps too much. I was close to tears by the end of the day after my parents had left. This is not the first time this has happened, either. I felt terrible about asking them for some recognition, that I'd make Mother's Day ugly. I also could just imagine how smug my H would be if he knew that my sons thought so little of me. But I had to take responsibility for this outcome, and do something about it. I also feel strongly that my H failed at his job as a father in that he clearly did not teach my sons to honor me--he was a terrible example. And his father was, too.
I really did not know what to do, but going to bed full of passive resentment was certainly not a good option. I thought about calling my father to get on his grandsons properly, but decided against it.
I feared that I was raising self-centered young men, caught in a cycle started by their father's father, unable or unwilling to honor the women in their life. I do think this is one aspect of H's failure that he feels but may not fully understand or see clearly, but that has crippled him nonetheless, and I don't want this for my sons. I want them to be confident husbands and fathers one day. And it is clearly up to me to bring them up on it.
So I called my first son last night to explain that I was very disappointed, and that in the future I expect a call or text early in the day, or that he would send me a card with something written in it, unless he really did not feel like it. He said that he'd waited to phone me because he wasn't sure if I'd be busy in the morning, "Ok, I WAS going to call you!" but it all sounded very passive, and like excuses and defensiveness. H used to act like that. I was disgusted. I told him that I was not interested in arguing with him, and I told him to have a nice day and I hung up. He called me back--that took guts, and I was impressed. He apologized and tried to assure me that he loves me. I told him that this is not about me but about him, that when he is a husband and father he will need to do better for his family than he had done for me today, and be a better example than his father had been. Right or wrong--I said it. And I said that we were going to break this cycle--he could expect a phone call from me a couple of days before Mother's Day every year to remind him to do something nice for the mother of his children, something WITH his children FOR their mother. I told him that I need to hear from him more often anyway. He could call to tell me how he is feeling from time to time. It ended up being a really nice conversation, actually. He was quite sweet and charming. He said that he is nervous about his date coming up. So I asked him what he had planned and gave him encouragement. I told him I would send him some spending money for that date. We talked about me coming to help him move his things and clean up his apartment. He admitted he'd been texting his brothers--"What's up with mom???" type texts. They were having a laugh. The second time I hung up, I felt satisfied that we were in agreement.
S18 returned home shortly after that from his girlfriend's house with beautiful flowers--hydrangeas and a vase. He said he felt terrible--he said he told his girlfriend that he'd not done anything for me. I told him this embarrassed me--what could she possibly think of me, that my own sons didn't care? S18 was clearly very ashamed, and that disturbed me. He said, "Mom! You're a GREAT mom! Look at us--we're turning out great, and it's because of you!" True. They are my reward for being a good mother--but a little tenderness can be expected. S16, with his lack of impulse control, compensated by being very loud and making boisterous jokes and trying to provoke his brother into laughing, but I was not amused. (Well, he did get me to laugh by scribbling a home-made card in the middle of our conversation, "Dear Mom, I made this weeks ago. Love, S.") The three of us had a long talk about the importance of honoring the mother in the family. I told them, too, that I want them to feel confident as fathers and husbands. I asked S18 if his girlfriend's father was at home with his wife and children, and he said he was. I said that I think it is the father's responsibility to help his sons honor the mother of his children, and that I was very disappointed that their father hadn't done his job. S18 insisted that he was old enough to know better and that it was NOT his father's responsibility any more, that he just had been so busy--not that it's an excuse and he felt terrible. S16 balked and asked me if I was trying to make him feel guilty. I asked him if he thought it was appropriate for him to feel guilty? He said that he did feel badly, that he knows I am a good mom, that he and his classmates were talking about me in English class one day, defending me as an atypical mother, in that I was really especially nice and fun. That felt good, but it's not the same as being special for one day. So, again, I reviewed what would be expected--a card, some flowers, a text, or a phone call--something. I again said that we were going to break the cycle, that I very much want them to feel confident as fathers and husbands. I was fairly depressed and said that I only wanted the very best for them--that I don't want them to give up on love and marriage forever. It was sad.
Sometimes it is hard to be a good mother.
This is hard.
To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self-esteem, is capable of love—because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, unbetrayed values. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone. --Ayn Rand