[superdog]

Hi everyone,

wanted to share an experience I had a work today as I saw MLC happening in front of me.

I deal with employees and yesterday a man of 39 called me and asked to come in and speak to me. We'd never met before but he seemed like he needed help from his call so he came and saw me today. I said to him that I would tell him a little about me and then he would feel comfortable to discuss his issues with me. I did and then he did.

His story was all too familiar and I found that I slipped straight into knowing what to do and say.  He works in a very male orientated environment and he told me that he didn't think it was okay to talk to anyone there as he felt ashamed and a fool. I said i understood that men find it difficult to talk to other men as they back off or make light of things as a defense mechanism. He totally agreed with me.

He began to talk and said that he had been having these issues come to the forefront of his mind that he could no longer ignore. I asked him for how long and he said for a couple of years, but more so now and that he found he just couldn't cope with them.

He'd split with his partner of 10 years about 8 months ago because he had taken to heavy drinking and staying out etc and she had left. He also said that a close friend had comitted suicide. What he said was quite interesting. He used to be an outgoing character and he was now looking in the mirror and barely recognised himself. He had been supressing his feelings of hurt for so long and he had turned himself inward and they were eating away at him. He said that he was someone who always went with other people's flow and just accepted things and never felt that even when he spoke others took any notice so he stopped bothering. He said he felt quite angry at that but he'd been doing it so long he didn't know how to change it. He didn't elaborate but he said that there were issues coming inside his head that he hadn't even thought about for 20 years and he couldn't understand why they were in his head now, but he felt an urgency to do something about it.

I asked him if his drinking etc was trying to avoid doing this and he said yes but it didn't work, so he stopped. He seemed very aware of the effects he'd had on those round about him. He also said that he had blocked out his family and friends, but knew they were just worried about him. I asked if he felt pressured by them and he said yes. Even his dog needing a walk felt like pressure because he couldn't find the will to do it.

I asked him if he felt guilty about his family friends etc, even the dog and he said to me. I can't believe that you seem to understand all that's going on in my head. He said he felt shameful of the fact that he could cry at any second and that he couldn't deal with his personal issues in the logical way he deals with everything else. I said to him that feelings aren't logical, they're feelings and can't be deal with like that. He really took notice.

 All throughout the time with me he kept apologising for how weak he must seem to me. I said to him that having the courage to talk to someone was a sign of strength rather than weakness. I also told hm that they are his feelings and he does not have to apologise for them, only if they caused him to behave badly.

I said towards the end that i would share something with him and that was my H had said a lot of what he had and I had experience of where he was in his life. Ironically he said to me that my H was a lucky man to have me. I didn't tell him that my H blames me for everything from his illfitting socks to the weather! Here comes the bit.... He said that talking to a woman made it all so much easier because we seem to have that caring way about us and make time to understand men's feelings. He again thanked me for understanding.

I suggested that he get himself a blank book and start getting all his feelings out of his head giving him a sort of logic to it all. I also told him to look at the places he could control and take back his own control. He looked at me and said that's exactly what's wrong I've lost control of everything that I ever thought or thought i knew about me.

He said I want to go back to being me again. I said to him that won't ever happen, things have changed in your life now and it's moving forward not back. He said he was going to go get  a book after he left me as he thought it would be a good idea. I even suggested he talk out loud to the dog, he won't judge, he'll just listen. That made him laugh through his tears.

He was going off to his GP when he left too and he came back later in the day to give me his cert. I got the feeling from him that he appreciated my listening to him a little too much. He asked me if he could come back again and talk to me. I said that although I was happy to listen today he needed someone who was more qualified than me and referred him for counselling.

I now get why they find a woman to talk to, who shows understanding and gives time and don't want to give that up. If i had allowed it he would have been back tomorrow and the next day. That's how easy it starts, he was completely drawn abck to me today because getting stuff out felt good and he wanted more. Add sexual attraction and another messed up woman to that and we have our MLC affair.

I hope you get something from me sharing this today, it was fascinating watching it play out and the similarities in all their stories. This is real and people out there need education and help to understand before they destroy their lives and other lives for good.


SD

[Ready2Transform]

WOW.  Thank you so much for sharing this.  I can actually read this and picture my husband of 2-3 years ago sitting in front of you, including the part about the dog (that gives me so much insight into why he started pushing our pets away). 

[I believe in angels]

Hi it is interesting when you see mlc in front of you or talk to people about their experiences during mlc if they can remember anything, I have spoken to a few people about it.

I totally agree there does need to be more information out there before the mlc happens and during it if it does happen.  It is obviously a very common problem with very similar 'symptoms' and it has obviously been going on for a while without much recognition.

What to do is the question though to make it more widely known about. Research and study is the general thing isn't it to put forward a 'theory'.  I am quite amazed that there is so much inforamtion about mlc when you are trying to figure out what is going when it has happened and the destruction has already started but there needs to be an awareness of the stages and symtoms to look out for , as there is in many other health problems. I know in the Uk they are trying to make mental health and depression more known about and something not to be ashamed of and that it is a common problem.  That is a start at least.

[superdog]

I have been thinking about that question myself today and the only thing I can come up with is in our own children. In school here in the uk they talk about development during sex ed and they need to expand when kids are hitting teens on what the development stages are from there.

I also have taken notice of how much my d8 talks to me about how she feels compared to her twin s8. I see it now that I need to do more to encourage my son to do it. With the knowldge we have now it seems the only way. It won't stop it happening but we can make it more bearable and less crisis.

Only imho.

Yes my h abandoned the dogs too. But hey I get plenty walksm he has even commented on how they come to me now as the "master".

Sd x

[Poppy]

  Hi Superdog,

Thanks for sharing, very interesting.

I get the bit about adding a messed up OW into the mix, the sexual attraction bit I'm not so sure about.

Personally I don't think it even has to be sexual attraction, I think they are so desperate for validation, the first thing that comes along will do, sexual attraction or not. A lot of our disappearing spouses have run off into the sunset with frumpy, dumpy, uglies! Our H are feeling vunerable, I think Ow senses that right from the word go, they play the game, cast their line and hook them. Easy!!

How many women on here have had some poor womans husband giving them the speech "my wife doesn't understand me....blah blah I know I have, more than once, I didn't follow it up with an affair tho, I gave the best possible advice "talk to your wife" or seek therapy.

These OW set their stall out to hook our H, our H are in such a rotten place in their minds, I think they truly believe this wonderful woman "saved" them... they overlook the fact that she looks a frumpy, dumpy, ugly, with her own issues, problems etc......they just runaway!


Just my thoughts x

Hugs my friends xx

[Finding Hope]

Superdog,

I am glad that you started this topic. My h has said that the person that he was talking to was just a friend and that he could tell her things that he couldnt say to me. Doesnt make it right, but I think that I can understand a little.

He could tell her without her judging him or expecting anything from him. He said that he just wanted someone to listen.

Thank you for the insite.

C

[superdog]

Its way more complex than we can comprehend not living it as our reality.

Regards the ow getting involved. That's a concious choice absolutely. I could have encoraged this man to come back after today, but I know the dangers so I deflected to a r3d party.

Just an insight for poppy on the frumpy dumpy. My h said to me that he didn't feel aesthetically matched to me, which showed his self esteem issue. His "friend" is a bland lady who he clearly does not see in That light, and sees this person as no threat.. Or not as good as what he has, I smile because if she knew that, she wouldn't feel so special afterall ! Men are visual remember, but they fear rejectiion more than women so would not approach someone they thought was out their league for that very fear.
Unfortunately telling us the real issues comes with the other fear we will think less of them as men. So its not about sex, its about finding safe avenues and we don't fit the bill for the time being. Ow well they get their kicks out of being so special he would go behind the woman he married's back to send time with me. I must be better than her. But they know,they know!!!

Sd x


   

[Trustandlove]

superdog,

thanks for posting that story; I really get where you are coming from.  My H's original alienator was a quasi-professional who encouraged her 'patients' to bare all to her -- it started with him perceiving her as a listening, caring person....   and yes, it all slid from there, as she had designs on him.

Well done for deflecting it, and for seeing how easily it all goes down the slippery slope.  And well done for everything else about how you handled it. 

[Poppy]

Superdog,

Yes I agree, my H OW is definatly a safe haven! There's no way she's going to leave his side!


He will feel safe with her for sure

She's not arm candy that's for certain

Another thing, I'm sure my H has noticed my changes, there's been quite a few, lol but I get the impression they scare him, I'm sure he thinks I'm outa his league, too good for him if you understand me.
My changes came very quickly after BD, the weight loss, the new hair style, new clothes, swiftly followed by me starting my own business etc.

To be honest after he left, I felt a sense of relief!  I had been living with his depression for a couple of years, it dragged me down. When he left, I felt like I'd grown 2 inches taller! My confidence came flooding back, I turned into Me again.

He commented I reminded him of the Me he'd met 20yrs ago! Then promptly ran out the door and back to safety of OW, LMAO!

Hugs my friend xx

[Anjae]

Hi superdgog,

Interesting story. However I not sure it is MLC, midlife transition or just a serious (non MLC/transition) depression. At first they are all very similar.

The man you talked to has been feeling depressed, took to drink and stay out, his parter left. Those behaviours fit in plain good old depression. Even the issues from 20 years ago coming up on his head don’t make it a MLC.

I think we’re starting to see every depressed/transional person/person with issues on the marriage/relationship that is of a certain age as being in MLC. Some are not in crisis, they are felling what most people feel, a certain uneasiness, a bit of depression.

To reach the crisis point it takes a lot.

If women had the caring way and took time to listen to a man’s feeling none of our MCLers would have need OW. So either none of us was any good listening to our own husband’s, and I doubt that, or they never told us what was going on with them or they found OW being a much better possibility. Because they can tell OW whatever they want. She knows nothing, or very little about them.

And, of course, most women (and men) are not willing to put up with a spouse that starts drinking, being out, is depressed and become totally weird.

Hugs