[TrustingMyHP]

My thread's on the Subscriber's Board so many of you are likely unfamiliar with my sitch.

I won't rehash it but I want to bring up something my MLCer said to me a few months back.  I alluded to it in a post I made here last week but would like to see if any of you have heard a similar statement from your MLC spouse and, if so, what did you think/respond.

Four months ago was the last time my H and I spoke at length face-to-face with each other.  It was a R talk that had its good and bad moments.  I think I could best sum it up by saying my H was stating to me all the reasons why he wouldn't/couldn't consider returning and I was trying to both validate and send some truth darts.

My H's been living with OW for 17 months, since immediately after BD.  He's been firm from the beginning he was never coming back and that he would be with her for the rest of his life.

At one point during this convo he said to me, "I will never do to OW what I did to you."

He said it proudly, emphatically.  He didn't say it in a defensive way but as a statement of fact, of purpose.

I didn't respond to it but it hit me hard.  Almost everything my H has said to me from the beginning of this has been classic MLC script.  This, however, was not something I'd read here or anyplace else as being typical of MLC thinking and talking.

It bothers me because it says to me he's clearly aware of the immense damage and hurt he's caused, aware of the cost to me of his actions and that he would never want to do such a terrible thing to another woman, one that he, by making this statement, obviously cares about deeply.

Don't know if I'm making sense.  The statement seems to indicate a clarity of thought and purpose that I hadn't yet seen from my H during all this and it also indicates an ability to feel true empathy that I thought was deficient, if not inaccessible, in the MLCer.

It haunts me in a way that nothing else he's said or written to me (and believe me, there's been a lot) does.

Any thoughts/reactions would be appreciated.

TMHP

[LettingGo]

That was MONSTER talking. Don't let it get to you... I know it hurts, but Monster will say things designed to hurt you so you will BACK OFF.

[Niek]

I think they don't really know what they are saying. My H says things but one week later he doesn't remember them anymore. Especially when we talk about emotional issues he only reacts, a normal conversation is really not possible. It is like a wall is being erected and words doesn't come trough. I think that is true for all people in MLC. They cannot discuss emotions and therefore they say hurtful things without even knowing they are hurting us.

I think that is the most difficult part for the LBS. You know why they act like that, you know that they are depressed, you know everything. But in the mean time they hurt you and you feel the need to defend and protect yourself.

[Mitzpah]

TMHP,

Maybe it is him recognizing what he did and affirming that the 'new' man that he thinks he is would not be capable of doing such an underhand thing. In other words, it is all your fault! You 'made' him do such a horrible thing. And the 'saintly' OW doesn't deserve that.
I think it is indicative of his thinking towards home, he is just trying to convince himself that it will not work, that he cannot have made a mistake...
Monster, yes!

My h. just posted (May 30) big and large on his FB (I hadn't looked for over a month...) that he is in a relationship with OW, interestingly, she doesn't post anything of the sort on hers So I get an enormous picture of OW when I checked his page, uuggggggh... - and the inset picture is a picture of both of them squeezed into a small space, maybe on a boat... The person who 'liked' his post was my exBIL (my sister's exh), a person whom h had said he despised because of all he had done to my sister

[Moving Forward]

Hey TMHP,
My exH has said this kind of thing to me ever since left in October 2009 - he would say it to deliberately hurt me, somehow I wasn't worthy enough of his love and devotion and fidelity (despite being good enough for the previous 18 years). He knew how to hurt me and he did - until I cloaked myself against him!

This is clearly Monster talking with a wallop of projection thrown in (read it as 'TMHP would never do to me what I've done'). If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck it probably is a duck....if your H is showing all of the signs he is in MLC then chances are he is in MLC......try and keep a helicopter view of your H and his situation would be my advice - although it is very hard.

TMHP, for a long, long time I believed I was a second class citizen compared to OW (now wife). When my exH would say this kind of thing he got my Achilles heel (my low self esteem) and his words hurt because he hit the target....he knew how to hurt me. I have learned through the school of hard knocks that she isn't better than me on any level but I was so brow beaten and low I believed what came out of his mouth.

Hope this helps?

((hugs))

P
xx

[Tsunami]

You can also look at these comments this way....It is the hurt child of their issues speaking to you, not the core person of your husband.

The child is Monster, the angry child who did not have his emotional needs met at whatever age he experienced the emotional damage.

Looking at their actions from this perspective really helps me understand and grasp the true dynamics taking place within our depressed spouses

Hope this helps.

[Dontgiveup]

My ex-wife's moments of Monster nearly always accompanied a relationship talk.

Here's part of RCR's article Love & Hate that may provide some insight.

An MLCer's actions can be cruel because their aim is for pain with the intention of hurting you so that you will hate them, lose hope and give them what they want.

[HeyJude]

Hi TMHP
Last Nov was about 20 months past BD for me , H is with OW2, so this has been going on for a few years, (first OW an EA) but this was the time he moved out, eventually living with her..maybe for around 15 months, i don't really know. Anyway, i had just returned from three months living in another town as i needed a refuge for mental health reasons. He got in touch saying he had an 'immense story to share'.

We spoke for the first time in a 'meaningful' way for quite some time. He has been a semi vanisher. He said a number of things, like the grass isn't greener,he wished he hadn't done what he'd done, it wasn't long term, a month by month arrangement, could see how hurt our boys had been..especially younger one..i thought (before i read this site) he was having great insights and we were making progress! He felt we were unresolved and one thing that really hit me was when he said 'I'll never chase the muse again' or something like that (he's a songwriter..fantasy land).

I got the impression that this was so traumatic to HIM that he would never do this again (have an affair) and in some twisted thinking maybe he thought therefore he had to get it right with her rather than mend it/rebuild with his family! I said, are you saying this for my benefit or hers? (or something like that) he just looked perplexed and lost really. When i think back, he was still in fog land (like me too). He said he would leave his situation, but not before Christmas. well he's still there, and apparently they have a 'three month by three month' arrangement now.

I don't know what any of it means, he also said about leaving her, that 'she would be sad' hello!! what did he think me and his family were going through! crazy... since then he has distanced himself, not so close, cut me off more..now expects me just to be a 'friend', is the impression..just feels like he's gone back into tunnel, stuck ...or has he made up his mind to settle with he is as too much to face what he's done/doing to me and his boys?

tough journey...seeing changes in me though
take carexx

[In this for ME]

I think it's her words in his mouth frankly.

I think she is so insecure she may have asked him over and over again "You wouldn't do anything like that to me would you??"
And he playing the Knight in tarnished armour says "No- I never will" Trying to make her feel secure and in turn having the millisecond of a rush he gets as he feels he's some kind of man.

Then like a 5 year old (that's been repeatly drilled) he proudly recites what he's learned to you 

I am so sorry they are such friggin' idiots   

[NoRegrets]

But isn't it interesting that he didn't say, "She doesn't deserve to be hurt, but you did."

The statement is so fascinating.

It is SO indicative of MLC--of serious mental gymnastics and projecting and, I think, compartmentalizing.

I'm not sure he IS trying to be hurtful.

I think he's saying, "I made a lot of mistakes with you--what we have is ugly and broken. I am building something pure with her."

He's admitting he did something terrible, "what I did to you."

I really don't think the OW is a human in his head. I think these folks are so narcissistic and sociopathic in MLC--so inward-facing--that people are just objects or actors in a play to them. And yet, as self-absorbed as they are, they are completely un-self-aware.

I do agree with In This For the Long Haul, that these may be her words or thoughts, because the OW is typically very insecure. She should be, too. "You would never do to me what you did to her, right?"

No, in his mind, he wouldn't.

Remember, he HAS to make that relationship work, even though we all know he's doomed, either to eventually watch the relationship crash in flames, OR stay in it for the long term as it chronically slowly poisons him (well, as he continues to wallow in his own and her toxicity).


I don't know, I'm not sure his point is to hurt you as much as he's "thinking" out loud, and you're getting a glimpse into just how confused and crazy he is right now.

I mean, WHO WOULD SAY THAT to someone??