[OldPilot]

There has been some talk around that women MLC'ers never come out of MLC.
I was rummaging around on the DB board and came up with this post from a woman that went through her own MLC.

I think something else that should be pointed out is an MLCer MIGHT also pretty much stop talking to whomever they were closest to. They may get a whole new circle of friends. Or they might push everyone away.

I stopped talking to my sister, who has always been my best friend. But by the time that happened, I'd pushed my husband so far away he couldn't have known that was happening. We lived apart and I'd been out of touch with him for a long time except regarding the house or kids. There was ZERO communication with him unless I HAD to and I would go to great lengths to avoid that. I didn't like the man. I know now that what I really didn't like were the things he made me see about myself. We could have none of THAT! I should also note that when I stopped talking to my sister was when things were beginning to change INSIDE of me. I was getting the first inkling that my story (my rewriting of the marital history) wasn't going to hold water much longer. The cracks were starting to appear. That's when I stopped talking to EVERYBODY.

In my case, through the initial period of deep MLC which manifested outwardly between March '02 & March '04, I'd spun such brilliant BS that everyone thought I was right to want a separation/divorce. In March '04, my husband left for the second time. I'd gotten rid of om before that but was still trying to live it up. I was crashing hard and fairly regularly. I still managed for another year to outrun reality though it did creep in occasionally. My husband stopped fighting for me when he left the second time. That was the biggest jolt. It was good to have that pressure off for awhile though. By summer 2005, I was coming apart at the seams. Completely. I'd exhausted myself with the things of the world that had enticed me, I was looking at families and missing my own. For the first time, I started to see that there had been good times. I had REALLY forgotten them. There are still times as recently as a week ago that I'll remember something and mention it to my husband and he'll look at me as if to say "did you JUST remember/realize that?" and if I were to answer, I'd say yes. MLC stole a big chunk of the good things about my marriage. It seems I get them back a little at a time. But I FORGOT. I did not see us as my husband saw us.
So you (husbands of MLC wives) really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your lives together. You're the only one that's going to understand her when she comes back. You're all that's going to be familiar and if you're not there...

Anyway after a while, I started seeing how I had contributed to the bad times. By October 2005 I was completely broken and flat on my face in repentance. Thinking of it still makes me cry.

I was a mean MLCer.
I convinced myself and everyone around me that my husband was the biggest SOB that ever walked. I BELIEVED it. I twisted every argument we'd ever had but ESPECIALLY as he fought me THEN.
I had all my family in support of my efforts.
Eventually, and it took a long time, I convinced my husband we were really through.

He stood for over 2 years, though.
Alone.
Without a message board or a clue about MLC.
He just believed in me and in us.

It seemed when in order to save his own sanity he had to let go I started waking up.

You might think that's a shame.

But the rest of my story is still being written.


I don't know why I wrote all that.
There are some new people here I guess.
Trying to determine if there's hope.
Thinking there is hope if it's MLC.
To you I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, she will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person.
You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you.
Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to make yourself a person (because you are THE person) she can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love is really unconditional.

While she's lost, you have work of your own to do.

This isn't just her journey.

You're also here for a reason.
 

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=984732&page=1

You might notice a purple poster on this thread that we all have known to love  ((((HUGS)))))

[limitless]

OP,

Thank you for posting this.

It brought some tears to my eyes (I haven't cried for quite some time).

Hugs,

L

[Ready2Transform]

Indeed, I am emotional for both of them!  I can't imagine trying to go it alone as an LBS.  This board alone has been my lifeline. 

And I can attest that my brain now, even with LBS cycling, is a much healthier, slower paced, and friendly place to keep my thoughts compared to during what I believe was my own crisis.  So much energy was directed toward hate and distancing myself from everyone around me!  I really don't know how I functioned at all, but it all changed very quickly when I bottomed out. 

[Trustandlove]

That really was good to read.  And I so take her point about the LBS needing to be someone they can come to talk to. 

Oh, how we have to balance that with the truth darts!    But she's absolutely right that being bitter and vengeful will get us absolutely nowhere, on any front. 

[xyzcf]

So you (husbands of MLC wives) really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your lives together

except that we start to rewrite history too.

Thanks OP for posting this!

[Doc Hudson]

except that we start to rewrite history too.

I'm not so sure about this.  As a LBS, I don't think that we re-write the past; rather, I think that we start to view the truth of the past in view of the truth at the present.  While this may affect our perspective of the past, it is not being re-written.  That's entirely different than what the MLCr does which is to twist and distort the past to fit their current needs.  Much different.

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

Thank you, OP, for posting this.  It gives me so much hope to read what MLCers think once they make it out of the MLC Tunnel.

[WarriorSprit]

Thanks OP. I needed to hear this.

[Thundarr]

Thank you for the thread link and I plan to read it through when I have time.  That Cadet guy on DB is a jerk though.  Lol!!!

[FindingJoJo]

I really am glad that was posted.  Just last night I was wondering if it was normal for complete isolation like my H is doing and today I see this story that describes what he is doing currently.  I am thankful that this was posted up here and I totally agree that making yourself a person they can talk to is worth it.  Two weeks ago I made a conscious decision to cut out the anger that seemed to permeate my home and that started me towards my current place right now.  Thank you for posting that, I needed to have an answer to my question last night and there it was.