[calamity]

Can't 'cut the mustard'?  I think that means you are not strong enough or something.

So what I am wondering is, we see this typical behaviour with what we believe is mlc.  But when couples split up 'normally' does it look any different?   I don't remember 'breaking up', it has been 30-odd years & I was a teenager.  When one spouse decides to leave a long-term marriage, I am sure there are break-ups that are not mlc, what is the difference between that and mlc?  I know it is obvious when the mlcer stay home but when they leave?  I guess I am asking what a 'normal' break-up looks like and there probably is no normal?

[kikki]

Can't 'cut the mustard'?

That is a strange one when you think about it!!

I have both whole grain and dijon mustards in my fridge.  Cutting them both would be easy for me, but probably not for the MLCer??

Calamity - 'normal' breakups are planned events.  You know they are coming.  You talk about the demise before it happens.  The Bomb is not dropped on you from out of nowhere. 
In 'normal' breakups, the leaving spouse has a plan.  You know where they will be living, it is explained to the children, and that person continues to parent the kids as before.

In MLC - the alienator seems to provide the escape accommodation, or seems to have a large hand in organising it in some way, as the MLCer is not thinking with enough clarity to do it by themselves, the kids lose that parent in terms of normal functioning, and in quite a few cases the MLCer disappears and you don't know where they are living. 

[limitless]

One very knowledgeable LBS on this site - put it to me in a way that I could understand it very clearly.....

And this is very close to what Kiki is saying.

What makes the difference between a "regular" marital split and MLC?  Bomb drop.  Bomb Drop is the difference between a WAS and MLC....

L

[OldPilot]

Here is another post to ButterFlyMom who reconciled with her MLC'er MyfavoriteWierdo.
that I posted earlier in this thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...196#Post1382196

BFM ~ It really upsets me to read that your husband was treated badly here by some people. Had I seen it at the time... well, I think we know what would have happened ;\) and it wouldn't have been pretty.

Your husband has done THE HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD THERE IS TO DO AFTER MLC - turn around and try to return home - and you can tell him that I said, from experience, that he has a hell of a lot to be proud of himself for because it takes a Divine conviction the likes of which UTTERLY SLAYS the prideful MLC spirit (and the newly awake MLCer has to practically BEG God for), and then it takes balls the size of Texas to look at our LBSs and admit we were wrong - all wrong- and to ask your forgiveness when it is all we can do to stand upright in the face of the realization of what we have done. If anyone, and I mean on any website, bashes someone that has survived MLC to return to their family - or even try to - they KNOW NOTHING - I REPEAT - THEY HAVE LEARNED NOTHING - while they've been claiming to stand for an MLCer. They are hypocrites. Stupid (which is different than ignorant as they have been exposed to the information on MLC) hypocrites!


AmyC
____________

[trusting]

What makes the difference between a "regular" marital split and MLC?  Bomb drop.  Bomb Drop is the difference between a WAS and MLC....

I think that sums it up very well.  I had no clue my husband would walk out on me.  We didn't have marriage problems, not ones big enough to walk away from, just your usual little issues. 

[Ready2Transform]

I think Thundarr had mentioned that before too, that it seemed like MLC carried with it reasons based on such miniscule problems, versus a 'regular' breakup that was always over much bigger things, or problems they tried to work on but could not get past.  Basically, does it make sense?  Then it's a breakup.  Is it from Mars?  It's MLC.

[calamity]

Good, then that's one of my nagging doubts gone b/c it sure was a bomb drop.  Thanks everyone.  You give me strength.

[Dontgiveup]

I am sure there are break-ups that are not mlc, what is the difference between that and mlc?

I agree with the input about bomb drop.  I will add two other things that are common to many MLCers that wouldn't necessarily seem to be there in other breakups.......cycling (indecision) and Boomerang contact type, which is most common among MLCers.

[HeyJude]

BD2 for me was  over two years ago... i still have a problem when people refer to our relationship 'breaking up' or we 'split up'..i didn't go anywhere..(well technically i've had to move, but you know what i mean  )so i tend to correct people who make a reference in that way 'sorry to hear you guys have broken up' etc...i always say he left; not my choice, he abandoned us... i notice how i say it can make the other person uncomfortable..but..that's what happened.  I didn't have a say.

When someone refers to the breakup or split.. it's like there is an assumption i'm included in the 'break up' decision making and that's so not the case!  I remained with our children to pick up the pieces etc etc. I remember when someone i knew started to say sorry about your breakup etc and i explained as best i could and she said 'oh..i thought it must have been you that left or had the affair as when i asked your H at a gig recently where you were, he just look sad and remained silent' !  i suppose i can't really imagine him saying..oh you won't see HeyJude here, i thought it best to have an affair and leave her and the boys..seemed the right thing to do at the time..i was sure i was going to be so much happier once i was 'free' of her and family...'or do they want people to just feel sorry for them..... and on it goes!! 

[Trustandlove]

HJ,  I know what you mean about people assuming I had a part in the "split".  My line is "I didn't participate in that decision".  That seems to state it clearly without me having to go into it any more.