[MeNow]

Normal TN. You're 4 months in. You're doing great.

[stayed]

Without a doubt, there is some "denial" in there, but I really think it is far more then that.  I was actually in a very scary state.  I felt physically unwell!  Spacey.  Disoriented.  Paranoid.  Feverish.  Terrified.  Lost.  Feint.  I couldn't remember who my doctor was, or who I should contact if I needed assistance.  I remained in that state for the entire 2 weeks that I remained in Luxembourg, until I could get a flight back to my kids and family. 

I can't even remember buying my return flight because I had used my return ticket, as my flights were going from Lux to Canada.  Not the Canada to Luxembourg.  I have no recollection of the date I got BD.  I know I could figure it out, because it was the night I returned that he told me.  That being said, I cannot for the love of me remember what day that was.  I have never even tried to figure it out either.  Quite honestly, I just do not want that Anniversary Date in my life.  Never have, still don't. 

Once I got home and felt safe again, that spacey sensation slowly faded.  It definitely was not DENIAL.  It was something physical, mental and emotional.  I felt sick, to be honest, really, truly sick.  Just saw the new responses, I can't say that I put Denial and Shock into the same category.  I agree with terrified I did flip all over the place, once I got out of the SHOCK.  The shock was first for me and it lasted at least 2 perhaps 3 weeks.  I could BARELY function. 

Hugs Stayed

[HeartTattoo]

I think shock is the first stage & separate unto itself.  I guess some of these stages play out differently depending on how BD goes down.  Some have a more protracted BD/spouse leaving experience.  BD for me was H telling me of his "unhappiness", his infidelity, & that he was moving in with the until-then unknown-about OW, & 10 minutes later he drove away, his car packed while I was sleeping.  That stage was physical, mental, & emotional shock.

Denial came a bit later.  I was shut down in shock, in intense physical & emotional pain.  My mind was in overload. 

[terrified_in_TN]

WOW Stayed, so many things just resonates with me.  I too could barely function.  I was afraid I was going to lose my JOB!  I also remember D16 trying to take care of me (that is NOT how it is supposed to be).  She saw me break down many times, and now I regret that because I don't want her to have any resentment towards her mom because of what happened to me.  But maybe D16 is angry at her mom because she feels abandoned herself...

Anyway, I don't know if its because I am getting older or because of the situation, but I find myself repeating things to people over and over and over again.  I just don't remember what I've said to whom anymore.

Also at our temp custody hearing (which I lost-I blame my lawyer) I was in such utter shock, I don't remember ANYTHING that was discussed when the lawyers were panning out visitation afterward.

Just this past weekend, me and D16 were at Walmart grocery shopping; we ran into some mutual acquaintances of me and my w.  I don't know if that was a trigger or what, but all of a sudden I had a HUGE panic attack.  I felt like I was going to faint.  D16 looked at me and said "are you doing okay?".  I tried to play it off and said "I just need some food in my stomach", to which she replied "you need food in my stomach my butt".  She KNEW I was not doing well.

I also vividly remember early on the feeling of wanting to vomit all the time.  The constant tightness in my chest.  I don't know if I had an appetite or not-but I know I dropped from 175 down to 140 lbs in a month!  I had not been that thin since my early military days some 25 years ago.  Oh yes, it was more than emotional, it was VERY physical as well.

-Terrified

[Medusa]

TNT, you are going to be fine. I think sometimes we have flashes of the various stages. I woke up this morning and thought, this crap isn't really happening, right? I've been having an extended bad dream (for 18 months). That's going to happen, I suspect, when we have interactions with them and/or learn more about how reprehensible they can be, we do revisit some or all of the stages. I went through quite of few of them last night and this morning. The good thing is that I've gone through them this time at lightening speed.

Stayed,I think you're right about shock being a stage. For some it may not be as dramatic, but I was similar to you in the beginning. I do not have any idea how it survived those few months. I was taking doctorate courses and have no memory of them (guess I did okay since I earned A's!). Physically I had many manifestations, too. For some of us it may last longer than others--but for me it was about 3 weeks.

[terrified_in_TN]

I meant to add that the other thing is, this is ALL I THINK ABOUT from the moment I wake up, until the moment I fall asleep.  Now lately I have been able to refocus on specific tasks such as work related, or home repairs, but the second I become "idle" I go right back to thinking about my situation again.  I wonder if that is why my sleep is STILL screwed up-mental exhaustion?

-Terrifed

[blackice]

i think about it a lot too but it's not as obsessive. i used to obsess about it. now i just come here and read and see i am not alone and it helps me push through those times when i am in a bad spot. i am getting back into what i used to do before my life fell apart.

[Songanddance]

I think that when we are so devastated, some primeval instinct takes over and starts us on a path to recovery.

This is known as the fight or flight syndrome. When predators are around we revert to our limbic primal state and either freeze staying motionless (rabbit in headlights) or we run and run as fast as we can - startled deer or sheep.

The primeval instinct is essential for survival if you are a creature that doesn't possess the power of thought. That is what really shocks us.

Our emotional instinct freezes and we take on board what we hear (note I said Hear) and we feel shock.  My T (who I adore because in 8 sessions, she got me back on track and helped me make me whole) said that, whilst her jury was out on the concept of MLC,  she felt that all the symptoms I expressed to her were part of PTSD. 
PTSD is not just applicable to the military - PTSD happens if you witness or are part of an event for which you had no warning or awareness.  aka Twin towers/ 7/11 bombings in UK /multiple car crash on motorways or simply the sudden loss of a loved one.

PTSD is the umbrella condition for shock, denial, anger, grief, physical pain brought on by emotional distress and many others.
The seven or five stages of grief also apply here but the difference is that there are three types of grief. The expected /resolved grief in which we are prepared for loss, the social grief in which we share with others a community grief and the unexpected/unresolved grief.
The five stages of Grief as per Kubler Ross are totally applicable to us but there is this expectation that it is a smooth progression from one to the other. It is not always the case and I am convinced that it most definitely is not the case in BD grief and post stages.

Denial is actually quite short lived unless you choose to ignore everything that has happened by pretending it hasn't or that it will all be ok in the end -" it's just a glitch" ostrich mentality.

For LBSers - denial is almost taken away from us as we are forced to deal with the reality of abandonment and or monster very very quickly.
We are ripped out of our comfort zone and ironically like the MLCer in liminality where " his body loses his skin" as he begins to be reborn, our skins are ripped off us and we are left metaphorically naked and alone.

It is this stage that causes the most damage in the first few days/weeks/months and in our natural desperation we cling onto what could and should be, the pleading and begging, the crying, the angst and pain, the "I'll do anything to get you back syndrome".  It is something that I think we have to go through - the challenge is knowing that we have to go through it and letting go.

Then comes the next stage - which is not bargaining or even anger. It's rejection and all sentient feelings that accompany it - it's the journey to anger and victimhood.
 

[stayed]

Rejection and sentient feelings!  Mmmmmmmmmmmmm... I hadn't realized the rejection had come along so quickly... is there a time frame for these things S&D?

Wow, this is really good stuff! I can't wait to learn more... come on Song&Dance, give us an example, then we will recognize it and document our own personal rejection and sentient feelings. 

Hugs Stayed

[Songanddance]

Ah well if I don't answer this one then you will feel rejected!!! Foisted by my own petard!!

Ok howsabout this and this is my experience of rejection.

The first time was at BD when having read the letter H had written I moved towards him and he screamed with a horrified look on his face almost as if I had a machete in my hand " Don't touch me!"

The second was about 3 weeks later when I discovered who OW was and that hurt. She was this obsequious, smarmy, slimy woman who had partnered H in the show we had been working on earlier before BD. She was the woman who(having just adopted a 12 yr old girl 6 months earlier) asked me in the pub how did I handle girls?  I asked why (this was all before BD btw). She said and this is the truth " I wish we'd never adopted her"

This was the woman H had chosen over me

My third feeling of rejection was when I said to H that I was clearly second best. Interestingly (but I was unaware of MLC at that time) his reply was "no - you're both different and I can see now how alternative faiths promote polygamy!!!"

The fourth time was my desperation to show how much I loved him and we became intimate (yet again before I knew about MLC). He stopped, pushed me away and said " No I can't do this with someone I don't love"

Rejection then builds - he wants no physical contact, he has chosen a freak over me and he treats me the same as her.
This leads to the "I don't deserve this" syndrome and no - none of us do but we go through it.
Rejection then becomes an automatic feeling every time we try to communicate with H and he either monsters/ignores or laughs at you.
We enter into conversations about the R thinking that we might try to "solve the problem" but we always end up rejected.

I remember H saying with tears in his eyes that OW had had such a difficult life and he wanted to help her. He was the one to help her and he and she were soulmates.  That was the hardest rejection of all and this is where the LBS starts to plummet into their own pit and begin to reject the self.

If only I were more... If only I had done...... If only ....

The most obvious rejection is the abandonment by H.

Rejection can also be shortlived - depending I guess on how quickly the anger and victim mentality emerges.

Some LBSers on here are still feeling rejected several months later and a few even after years - some would argue it's resignation and part of acceptance. If there are feelings of rejection still in the LBSers mind, I would argue that acceptance has not yet been reached.