[Medusa]

That's another stage of this.  Remorse, regret... oh the regret!  Should have, could have, would have, why didn't I!  Back to pleading, please give me another chance... I will do it right this time! 

Stages.  I think we need to go through them.  I think they help us become better people.  I believe part of the reason our MLCer's are so long coming out of this, is they refuse to go inward.  They instead choose to believe all their misery/unhappiness is caused by others.  By going INWARD, I think we save ourselves from their fate, their agony, their misery.

Yep!

Even though I barely remember the first few months post BD, I still recall with stunning clarity sitting in my ICs office talking about all the things I regretted, specifically working on my doctorate. If only I had done this, that, or the other thing. And then I looked at her and said, "it wouldn't have made an iota of difference: I would still be sitting here talking to you". A few days later I had enough of his BS and left for 3 weeks. It was the first tie  he realized he was at real risk of losing me, but because I was still going through the stage, even though the music changed, the dance remained the same.

 

Uggh... so seedy!  No wonder I felt the need to shower so much.

I used hot water and smoke to try to purify myself early on. I could sit next to my fire pit for 8-10 hours just staring at the flames. I thought I was losing my mind (well, okay I was) until a couple of friends pointed out how many cultures use flame and smoke as a form of purification. Just as many use water (e.g. Baptism).

I think that when we are so devastated, some primeval instinct takes over and starts us on a path to recovery.

[stayed]

a couple of friends pointed out how many cultures use flame and smoke as a form of purification. Just as many use water (e.g. Baptism).

I think that when we are so devastated, some primeval instinct takes over and starts us on a path to recovery.

Interesting!  Very interesting!  I wish I had had a "fire pit"   I wish I had had a good counselor!  Still I had enough common sense to get away from him.  I fled to New Zealand.  Some would call it "running away" but I honestly considered it as finding safe turf to think.  I couldn't think with him calling all the time.  Talking in circles, over and over again! 

hugs Stayed

[Medusa]

a couple of friends pointed out how many cultures use flame and smoke as a form of purification. Just as many use water (e.g. Baptism).

I think that when we are so devastated, some primeval instinct takes over and starts us on a path to recovery.

Interesting!  Very interesting!  I wish I had had a "fire pit"   I wish I had had a good counselor!  Still I had enough common sense to get away from him.  I fled to New Zealand.  Some would call it "running away" but I honestly considered it as finding safe turf to think.  I couldn't think with him calling all the time.  Talking in circles, over and over again! 

hugs Stayed

Dang...I wish I could have gone to New Zealand!

It's not running, its self-preservation. We have to remove ourselves from their drama at some point.

We talked in circles, too. The same thing over and over. I guess in those early days its part of them struggling with their fantastic decisions. At least, that's what it seemed to be with mine. He told me once that all the R talks we had we're helpful. Not sure how...maybe they just confirmed that I was a crazy b!tch. 

[stayed]

Dang...I wish I could have gone to New Zealand!

It's not running, its self-preservation. We have to remove ourselves from their drama at some point.

I was working 3 jobs when I met my h.  AS I had heard in 1976 that if you went to New Zealand with a bucket full of money, you could live like a queen for months and months. That's where I was heading, as soon as I had enough money.   

New Zealand had always been my "dream" location.  I had a pen pal when I was 9 or 10 years old, until I started high school.  She used to send me pictures and write me letters about the Fiords, the Geyser's, I used to marvel at such beauty.  Then she stopped writing me. Quite suddenly actually. 

When this happened and after we buried mom, all I could think about was completing the journey I had planned and aborted because I met and married my h.  It was definitely a desperate act of self preservation!  My h was a terrible clinger.  A master at giving me JUST ENOUGH hope that I would eagerly grasp and clutch onto for dear life.  He could and I let him, gaslight me, twist me around, distort our history.  I was going from one antibiotic to another, trying to clear up a persistent kidney infection.  I was thin as a reed.  Exhausted but unable to sleep.  I truly felt if I didn't get away from him, from this whole farce, I would lose my mind.  Really, truly, lose my mind, or die!  I felt very vulnerable, fragile, weak in every way. 

Is lost and desperate a stage, S&D? 

Hugs Stayed

[HeartTattoo]

Is lost and desperate a stage, S&D? 

I think "Lost & Desperate" could describe a very long stage beginning at BD, maybe with a stage called Shock right before it.  I have said, even as a nurse with a masters in mental health nursing, that I really wasn't sure what a "nervous breakdown" was, but that I was pretty sure I had had one after BD.

I spent about four months desperately e-mailing H, not so much begging, but hoping I could pierce his nonsensical explanations of what was going on, with logic & truth & the framework my IC was giving me (& had begun with H along for a few MC sessions).  It was when he started responding back to me more often that I realized, HE was lost--everything he continued to say still made no sense.  I initiated pretty complete NC then (even though I still hadn't found THS) only e-mailing about household logistics & asking him to only e-mail on Mondays when he had something to say, so that I could get e-mail at other times without the anxiety of seeing his name pop up.

BD was in January & I spent lots of time standing in front of our pellet stove, soaking in the heat.  Losing so much weight so quickly, I always felt chilled to the bone.  I paced in the room around the stove & nested there reading whatever I could find that might explain to me what was going on.  When signs of Spring appeared, I didn't want to see it.  It was still Winter in my soul & I thought I couldn't bear to see the green & colors & feel the soft warmth.  Of course, it really was an antidote & the three months I did not see H at all & stopped virtually all e-mail communication, was a time of great healing.

[stayed]

You are right, HT.  I think the first stage is SHOCK and HORROR.  I too feared for my sanity.  Due  to extreme loss of weight, was freezing all the time. No fireplace to huddle up to though.  Plus, it hurt to sit, there was very little flesh on my bottom.  I remember almost enjoying the discomfort.  I even remember thinking... "look what you did to me, you fool, are you happy now"?  You know when he finally saw me, he thought I looked wonderful.  Not gaunt, but slim and trim.    

Are we all agreed the first stage is SHOCK? The lost and desperate seemed recurring to me.  I had several stages that I kept repeating like ground hog day.  I think it must have been as OP said, my brain, my psychic striving to get it right.  Anger was one of the last ones, other then being angry at myself for not having REALIZED what was going on.  That really bothered me, that I hadn't detected there was a serious problem before there was one.

Any of you newbies, you probably have a better, clearer recall about this.  What's your opinion?  What's your thoughts on this... which stage was first? 

hugs Stayed

[OldPilot]

You are right, HT.  I think the first stage is SHOCK and HORROR.  I too feared for my sanity.  Due  to extreme loss of weight, was freezing all the time. No fireplace to huddle up to though.  Plus, it hurt to sit, there was very little flesh on my bottom.  I remember almost enjoying the discomfort.  I even remember thinking... "look what you did to me, you fool, are you happy now"?  You know when he finally saw me, he thought I looked wonderful.  Not gaunt, but slim and trim.    

Are we all agreed the first stage is SHOCK? The lost and desperate seemed recurring to me.  I had several stages that I kept repeating like ground hog day.  I think it must have been as OP said, my brain, my psychic striving to get it right.  Anger was one of the last ones, other then being angry at myself for not having REALIZED what was going on.  That really bothered me, that I hadn't detected there was a serious problem before there was one.

Any of you newbies, you probably have a better, clearer recall about this.  What's your opinion?  What's your thoughts on this... which stage was first? 

hugs Stayed

Is this not just DENIAL?

The rest of the stages listed in the attached thread were

Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Resentment
Acceptance
Self Growth
Foregiveness
Renewal
Living Again

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1965396#Post1965396

[blackice]

when i first got bombed i fell to pieces. i cried, i pleaded with him to talk to me, i was angry. then after a month or so of that i stopped bugging him, i started writing things out instead of talking to him. i became pleasant and light and worked on me getting stronger. about 5 months in i decided i didn't care what happened anymore and started detaching. two months later he moved out. now here i am living and knowing i will be just fine.

[MeNow]

Shock/Denial both go hand in hand. Then came desperation. When she left, lost. I remember it as a tangible thing, permeating my whole being and following me around wherever I went.

[terrified_in_TN]

OPs reply was a bit scarey to me.  Granted I'm only four months in, but I just bounce all over the place.  At least I am not a puddle on the floor like I was at first, but I seem to keep revisiting disbelief (denial) over and over again.  I seem to cycle between disbelief, anger, depression, and acceptance over and over again.  Hell I just txted to sis-in-law today "Does a broken heart ever FULLY heal?"...

The thing that is so confusing me to me is all the damn breadcrumbs she left before she physically left.  Why give me hope if there is none, because she seems SO certain of her decision now.  Its almost like she was afraid to make that leap, and wanted to make sure I would remain an option, but once she leaped, there was no going back.  Just confusing.

-Terrified