[Mitzpah]

Everything tasted like cardboard for a long time.

Absolutely

I lost 30 lbs in about six weeks. I didn't really need to lose weight either
My stomach was always clenching and my digestive problems really flared up. I felt faint a lot, I actually collapsed one night and bruised my forehead on the fridge while I was trying to get some cold water to drink in the middle of the night. Palpitations at any time of the day...

The weight crept back up on me after three years.

I didn't even want to come home from work in the beginning, I felt I had no place to call my own,completely uncomfortable in my own skin.

I would wake all night and the worst time was getting up in the morning. He wasn't there. Nobody to make me breakfast, all the dishes from the night before in the sink. It still is hard but I thank God that I have dishes to wash, I take pride in leaving the kitchen tidy in the morning as I leave for work before anybody else.

The first year was very hard, full of 'firsts' - very, very difficult and heart wrenching. I hope I never have to go through that again. I look forward now and endeavor to leave the past behind.

[Anjae]

Thanks to those who have contributed already - your comments about how you feel now are invaluable and perhaps we can split those comments into a thread about feelings at BD+ 3yrs. 

Think it is fine to leave everything here. It will allow for a better understandment of how we all change with time.

What about the feelings that you had as a newbie or rather at or just after  BD?

I always managed to eat and drink. In fact I cooked delicious meals to myself. It has been months since I knew Mr J had been lying and that his wanting to leave, and then leave, was because there was someone else. OW1 was not the big surprise, the crazy behaviour was.

But I also had what I now know were anxiety attacts and I would go to round and around and around walks, sometimes quite late at night, up and down the hills (we also lived on top of a hill in the capital).

I did not told a thing to my family until February 2007, when my youngest sister wanted to stay for a few days. I spend Christmas 2006 alone and, surprisingly, I liked it.

What I could not understand was what was going on. It was not like any affair I had heard of. And the violence towards me, the one moment is tears, the other is smile, the other is rage. I was super confused, even because Mr J said, before and after he left, he was depressed.

If he was depressed, and knew it, and if there were doctors willing to help, why didn't he accept the help? Nothing made sense to me.

For me the route was to go out as much as possible, sometimes 7 days a week. To dance, to concerts. In a way it could be said I was mimicing my MLCer. Not that, by then, I had a clue Mr J was a MLCer, or that I was mimicing him.

I remember I had lots of emotions running wild. I'm not used to have emotions running wild, I was feeling things I had never felt before and that I still don't know how to label. It was a very confusing, turbulent, painful but also fun period. I had a lot of fun on the early years.

The other thing I remember is that I did not knew that man I was faced with. I still do not know the current Mr J.

[Medusa]

I know I must have eaten on those first few months because I'm still here, but I don't remember doing it. I think I lived on a strange cocktail of tea, Diet Coke, and yogurt. The stress was phenomenal: I couldn't sleep, and my guts were a mess. I dropped around 70 pounds.

Mostly I cried. He was horrible after BD and would disappear for days without a word. I never knew when he would be home. It reached the point where I would check for his breathing machine in the morning, if it was gone, I assumed I wouldn't see him for a few days.

A friend of mine mentioned to me that I would find myself doing some really weird stuff. One of the first things I did was purge my underwear drawer in a feeble attempt to win him back (this before I knew he is MLC). I finished painting a bathroom that he started but abandoned. I painted another room in my house. And I burned things. I would sit for hours at my fire pit.

Slowly I got myself off the floor and started living. I remember vividly standing in the shower one morning crying (not unusual) then suddenly smacking my hand against the wall and saying "I love me. I deserve better than this!" For the first time, is believed myself.

God knows there were a lot more tears, but that morning was a turning point for me. I started living for myself and began the slow process of detachment. That probably took about a year because we were still living together and he was emotionally abusing me. I also had an enormous setback when my mom died unexpectedly. His treatment of me during that period was ultimately the final straw. He tried to be kind. He told me for the only time during 2013 that he loved me. I know he did that day, but in retrospect he was barely in the tunnel. Two months later, he wanted to come home. I have him a chance but was detached enough to know it was too soon and that he wouldn't be able to play by my rules. We made it 5 days. On Thanksgiving when he admitted he was contacting OW, again, I asked him to leave. It was just a matter of time before they were back together.

Since then my life has become truly mine. I still had a lot letting go to do: I finally dropped the emotional rope in June of this year, more than a year after BD. My life is now about me and I am happy.

The first year is horrible. We have all kinds of painful anniversaries to get through. Somehow we manage, and each one seems to get a little bit easier. I am now just a couple of weeks away from my final "first", the day I asked him to leave. Its hard to believe we've been separated for a full year. But a realized the other day that I have another "first" on December 4 (his birthday, ironically). He officially moved out that day and since I didn't want to be around the house, some friends took me away for the weekend. It was that day that I impulsively jumped off a loading dock into the arms of one of my guy friends. I realized exactly what I was doing: setting myself free and taking a very literal leap of faith.

[Thunder]

Mendusa,

I don't remember eating either the first few months after BD, but like you said... must have because I'm still here.
I do remember oranges, lot's of oranges.  Some only half eaten but they seemed to be the only thing I could stomach.  I lost 50 pounds.

The other things I remember from that very dark time was, seeing in a sleeping bag on my bed for weeks.  Stayed in my room for hours crying and so confused.  My hands trembled all the time and my stomach actually hurt from being so tight.  Like someone grabbed my stomach and wouldn't let go.

I think it was about a year when I finally realized I needed some help.  I was walking in the park and was getting this "out of body" experience.  Like I was going to fall or faint.  I stopped dead in my tracks and said out loud...Thunder you are NOT ok!!!  I ended up at the clinic sobbing my heart out.  I was a mess.

That was when I saw a counselor for the first time.  She was nice but not the right fit for me.  Said too many times "well, people just change."     I would try to tell her I understood that but I do not believe people change THAT dramatically, that quickly.  You don't lose your core self.

The second counselor understood me a little better.  He was probably in his 50's.  After a few sessions I asked him if he ever felt he went through a crisis.  His answer was...Yup, that is how I ended up leaving my job and got into counseling.  I needed a big change in my life.  So he got it and did believe n MLC.

That all was so very long ago now.  But I think maybe us sharing how we felt and what we did those early days may help new members realize how what they are feeling is perfectly normal.  The shock does wear of after some time but does get better.  Thoughts of suicide go away.

I feel I have changed so much since all this happened.  I'm basically happy.  Very rarely do I have a down day.  I'm much healthier, mentally and physically, than I was 4 years ago.  I'm so much stronger.

I wish I could have read all those articles in the beginning and believed them.  It takes a long time to really get it.

Bottom line is: 
You can't do or say anything that will change your spouses mind.  I wasted so much time trying.
It is not your fault, you did nothing to cause this so don't take the blame.
You need to detach and live your life as if.
MLC takes time, you can not rush it.  You can not fix it.
No expectations and no R talks.

It all makes perfect sense now.   

[living with Hope]

I am 3 years since BD.  I have cycled like mad.  Nowhere close to finding myself yet.
The first year after BD - well I cried and cried. I lost 30lbs in 3 months.  He ran away and hid 4 months after BD but would come in an out of the house like he lived there still on his whim.  I let him.  I was so confused, scared and worried.  He was around for all major holidays, birthdays and we even did a major trip together as a family.
I survived on Diet pepsi and chocolate almonds.  I am not sure how I survived actually. 

the 2nd year, found him angry and wanting to divorce but not really.  He was angry, sick, mean a lot.  He would then cycle towards us all and then disappear.  He had found his main OW but was still playing the field.  When he was with his OW, he became mean, angry, cold to me and one of the children.  It is bizarre.  I struggled lots with that.  i couldn't grasp the cycling towards and away.  It pained me to no end.  I became even more confused and scared.  I started to have health issues.    Near the end of the 2nd year, he started to cycle way more towards me and the kids.  I was so happy but scared to believe it.

As we started 2014, he ran away again to disappear and say he was sick alot.  He started talking about being depressed and having dark thoughts.  HIs anger moods were back.  I became scared, wanting to help and feeling helpless.  Lots of sleep was being lost for me.  Then he started to cycle back again in February/March to run and hide for April.  We went on a family holiday in May and I discovered exchanges between him and the spring. They were awful. I didn't recognize my that man spewing such horrible things to this woman.  He lied to her, he said vile things, he threatened her.  She was no princess back but it was shocking.  He started to come towards me again.  Asking for help, needing support but then he would back off as soon as he let me in.  I honestly believed he was trying to find his way home.  I knew he wasn't ready yet but he was fighting demons within him and she was one of them. 

He then planned two family holidays for the summer.  I was so secretly pleased and scared at the same time.  could my real husband be trying to surface. We had a great few days on the first holiday and I think she must have contacted him. I don't know but the last morning, after he slept and snuggled me for 8 days he turned into that man that says one evil thing and then backtracks.  He wanted a divorce, then he didn't.  It went on and on.

Since then I have returned to the state of just surviving.  I have not found my footing.  He has disgarded me for good. He can't even acknowledge my existance to the children, to himself.  He ignores me or hides from me at children's activities.  The tears now come at a steady pace.  I have never been more terrified of my life than ever in the 3 years that this has been happening.  I can still smile and laugh but it is not as strong or as often.  I can't sleep.  I miss eveyrthing something fierce.  I long for peace and stability.  I long for him. 

I have reason to believe he has moved in with his OW.  I am shaken again.  He crossed a line I never thought he would do. I have learned forgiveness throughout this but I am not sure I can forgive this.  But what I have learned this week is that I haven't forgiven myself.  I blame myself for failing. I feel like I failed as a wife, a friend and a Mother.  This is where I think I need to work on this for myself.  I think this is part of why my tears fall so fast and furious.  I have no anger.  I just have this huge sense of failure, sadness and loss.

So I think as a LBS, I don't think I have ever progressed through all the stages. I think mine kept get interuppted by his returns, his behaviour and then issues with the kids based on all this.  I could be wrong.  I don't really know.  I just don't feel like I have moved very far from the pain and hurt and now this huge loss of not having him in any capacity in my life after 27 years.  I had my first thanksgiving with out him, now it will be my first birthday, next it will be my first christmas...3 years after bd to have this....I think I am reliving year 1 but maybe with how it was supposed to be now.

It is hard.

[CallanG]

The other things that I remember from just after BD was not being able to watch any TV that reminded me of him or us . I think for months I watched reruns of Midsomer Murders and Agatha Christie. I could not read a book either , this was hard for me as I love to read .

When I had my last counseling session recently my IC wrote me a letter and read it to me , she talked about when we first met . I must admit I cried because going back to that place where I was just after BD was hard .

Callan

[Thunder]

Callan,

I still have not read a book since BD.  My concentration is still not quite there.  I used to read a LEAST a book a week. 

Maybe that will be a sign I'm all healed.  When I can read again.   

[living with Hope]

I hardly read now too. My concentration and focus are just not there.

I used to have 3 books on the go, stashed all over the place. I am still working on a book he gave me for Christmas last year.  It is a biography on one of my favourite singers.  I would have normally devoured that book in days. 

I found it took me a long time to be able to sit still in the house unless I was in my bedroom. My bedroom seems to be my safe place.  It is weird. You would think I would want to hide from that room and all its memories.

[Thunder]

Another thing I remember was my H loved watching 2 1/2 Men, with Charlie Sheen.  If you've seen that show Charlie Sheen played a ladies man.  Had woman after woman.  All gorgeous!

He was pretty crude when he talked about women like they were just sex objects. 
My H would watch every show and laugh and laugh.   Once I said to him...do you really think that was that funny?
He laughed even harder and said...yes!!!

He would never have thought what he was doing or saying was funny before.  I mean funny in the sense that it was a comedy but not like it was believable or true.  But like its how a man should be.  Wild, free with tons of women every night with no commitment.
I truly think he was living vicariously through his character.  That's how HE wanted to live.

He even bought some "Charlie" shirts.  lol  They looked like bowlng shirts.
Man, the odd things you remember. 

[31andcounting]

That is funny Thunder!
My H did too ......older H would of thought some of it was "way over board but tunnel H WOW  it was his show!!!

Today's H does not think too much of it....ran it's course I guess.
31andcounting