[in it]

Exactly.

 The ex pulled that on me also a couple of times. Whatever they can do for attention. Never liked to prick his finger to draw blood to test for diabetes.

 Less contact- less drama. No audience no behavior.

[Hmmm]

It's so strange this time because he's had to miss work and will be very humiliated. Formula one racing is his whole life and he's never been off ill for a race.

Currently I have no idea what country he is even in.

I've seen a couple of friends to distract myself but I really need to drop the rope as I was doing previously.

In my heart I knew he wouldn't do it on S15s birthday but I panicked when he said he was trying and then I had no word for 4 hours (during which time we were singing happy birthday and I was trying to keep a happy face). He isn't a drama queen but reading this back it sure did make a big impact.

Thanks for the support guys
X

[Songanddance]

Ok - I am reviving this thread to really focus in on the feelings that an LBS goes through.
Earlier posts on this thread identify the various stages of an LBS journey - one serious and one tongue in cheek.

This thread is to explore the feelings that we all go through. It is not about our MLCers and I know that many will want to post their responses to the MLCer actions. This is not going to help explore the feelings.
We are all told "focus on you"- but what does that actually mean?  This thread ironically is not about actions so saying GAL, say this or do this are useful for your personal threads but how do you focus on you? How do you deal with your feelings?

As we all progress through our respective MLC crises, we go through a huge range of feelings and those feelings change, fluctuate, go away, return, bounce around etc….
I see so many lines saying “ Why am I feeling this way, I should be over this feeling by now”
Or “Why do I feel so hurt?”
Or  “when will this anger leave me alone?”
Or “ Do I still love him , I feel nothing.”
Or “ I feel empty”

As you move into BD +1 yr or +2 years or more, what about those feelings?
What about LBS feelings when hit with a D? What about LBS feelings with a stay at home MLCer/vanisher?
What about LBS feelings when MLCer goes into LIMBO?
What about LBS feelings when and if liminality hits?
What about feelings when reconnecting?

This is about digging deeper, recognising and owning our own feelings as well as discovering that we are not alone in our feelings. In a way we have our own script so let's own what we are and how we feel.
To kick start this - I am going to put on a link to a podcast from thriveology.com. This podcast is about grief - what it is and what we feel. It talks about the struggle and really hits home for the feelings of a newbie LBSer and even those of us who are well into this will recognise this.
http://thriveology.com/moving-through-grief

Please keep your posts to about you and your feelings and really aim to keep comments about your MLCer to a minimum. This thread is to help you really focus on you, just you and you alone.

[Anjae]

As you move into BD +1 yr or +2 years or more, what about those feelings?
What about LBS feelings when hit with a D? What about LBS feelings with a stay at home MLCer/vanisher?
What about LBS feelings when MLCer goes into LIMBO?
What about LBS feelings when and if liminality hits?
What about feelings when reconnecting?

Speaking for myself, feelings were still rocky until year 4+. Different from BD, but still rocky. And the pain of BD was still rememberable. Now I do not recall the pain of BD, I do not know why I was upset about OW1 (OW2 never upset me, she come along publicly around the 2 years mark since Mr J left). Currently I have pretty much forgot what type of feeling I had for years since Mr J left. I know it was anger, pain, grief, but I can no longer take myself back to those times and to how I felt by then.

Mr J had been turned into a vanisher, mostly because I start to cut more and more contact until I drop it all was a relief. He started as a clinger, than was a boomerang, than on-off. The other types of contact were tyring and consumed too much energy. For me the low downsize is that we are still legally married and have to still deal with legalities more than 8 years down the road is taking time and energy from other things.

Having Mr J in limbo used to infuriate me. No movement. At least none I wanted. Nor make it or break it, nothing. Now I'm just indifferent. It become boring.

No idea how about feelings when the MLCer hits liminality or about reconnection. And I don't think I want to know. My frame of mind is elsewhere now. No space to deal with a broken person anymore.

[trusting]

I am at 5.5 years post official BD.  Overall, I am doing really well.  I still have days where I am sad.  I still have moments of anger.   My MLCer still lives at home, festering away in the basement so sometimes the daily interaction (or lack thereof) gets to me, but I have two kids to raise and a life to live.

One thing I have recognized throughout this process is that, as LBS, we NEED to allow ourselves to face and to feel our emotions.  If we are grieving, we need to grieve.  If we are angry, it is okay, as long as it doesn't consume us.  As long as we don't wallow.  As long as we don't allow it to rule our lives.  Yes, early on it will be overwhelming, but I really do feel that allowing ourselves to experience the emotions and not try to shove them down or think we "should" be past feeling a certain way does help us to heal.  I think it is necessary for healing, in fact.

[Returned]

I am now 3 years post bomb drop. For me I think the feelings have changed because I can clearly see that he is simply not the same person I used to know. I had idealized my husband back to the man I knew when we first met in 1984. My assessment of him had stood still, that is to say I loved him with the same passionate fervor I had in 1984. It had not dawned on me that he is simply not the same person. He is no longer an idealist. He is a bitter self absorbed old man.  It took me years after bomb drop to come to the realization, and it came to me sometime after he told me that I am old, and I am no longer "useful" to him. I keep hoping for a miraculous recovery, I keep wondering when he is going to wake up, or if he is going to wake up. Honestly I dont know if he will ever wake up, it is impossible to hold a rational conversation with him at this point, everything he says about other people is sarcastic and negativistic. Poor guy, he has aged badly. I hope to never be like that.  I try to be positive and optimistic, and to make the best of whatever I have.

So in a sense I have failed at only talking about me. I think for the LBS my change in feelings is profoundly linked to my perception of the permanency of his changes.
 
When we talk I try to dig for some sort of conversation which reminds me of him, but I cannot find it. More and more he seems like a stranger, an imposter who has taken over my husbands body. Periodically I wonder if he is ill, the personality changes are so drastic, so inexplicable. If someone told me he has a brain tumor I would believe him.  It makes me want to shake him and ask What have you done with my husband? Where have you hid him? I do believe there was a time when he cared for and about his children, when he loved his family. That person is long gone. This affects the emotions I feel toward him, which cycle constantly between disbelief and acceptance.


As for divorce it was something I really really dreaded. I never wanted a divorce, was horrified by the idea. In the end I did it for self protection. I had seen various LBS get seriously attacked by the MLCer at the four year mark, and I jumped ship early to make sure he couldn't do that. Afterwards I felt an enormous sense of relief although it took several months to recover from the anxiety I had felt prior to the divorce. Now I am grateful that I am divorced, mostly because I know he can no longer hurt me in the same way. I am safe now. I no longer have to worry if he goes into debt or doesnt pay his taxes, as I am no longer responsible for his actions. If he wants to hang out with prostitutes it is no longer my problem. It just makes me feel sad for him, such a shame, he is an intelligent well read man, he has been unemployed for almost two years and seems to have no plan for his future. It is as if he is happy not to work and just have OW provide for him. He has no plans, no ambitions, no goals. So I feel sad and I feel sorry. It is a waste.

[calamity]

I am now 3 years post bomb drop. For me I think the feelings have changed because I can clearly see that he is simply not the same person I used to know. I had idealized my husband back to the man I knew when we first met in 1984. My assessment of him had stood still, that is to say I loved him with the same passionate fervor I had in 1984. It had not dawned on me that he is simply not the same person. He is no longer an idealist. He is a bitter self absorbed old man.  It took me years after bomb drop to come to the realization...

Very similar to me.  It is 3.5 years since BD.  I have been a little blue the past month [triggers--anniversary, contact] but I think I am beginning to accept that he's gone.  I might have to let go of all hope before I am free.

[nah]

So in a sense I have failed at only talking about me. I think for the LBS my change in feelings is profoundly linked to my perception of the permanency of his changes.
 
When we talk I try to dig for some sort of conversation which reminds me of him, but I cannot find it. More and more he seems like a stranger, an imposter who has taken over my husbands body. Periodically I wonder if he is ill, the personality changes are so drastic, so inexplicable. If someone told me he has a brain tumor I would believe him.  It makes me want to shake him and ask What have you done with my husband? Where have you hid him? I do believe there was a time when he cared for and about his children, when he loved his family. That person is long gone. This affects the emotions I feel toward him, which cycle constantly between disbelief and acceptance.

As someone who is only 19 months post BD, I think this is what scares me the most.  The first year I was so sure at some point he would "wake up".  The girl is crazy, I stepped back early and gave him his needed space.  I made changes within myself, became stronger, more confident, more independent.  I figured if I let him go, he would come back.  We are officially divorced this week.  Is it really over?  Can someone change so quickly and drastically and just stay there?

[hopeandfaith]

H and I are currently reconnecting.  I think that I might have always thought that the mirror work stopped when the mission was accomplished - H came home.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that it hasn't.  In fact, I am a little protective of my personal space now and make sure that I spend some time 'turning down the noise' because I realised that I need that.

He is an early returner by some standards but who really knows.  This had beginnings in 2008 so his limbo and lost state became sort of normal.  Major BD in Jan 2013 puts this history into perspective a bit more.  It was also the catalyst for my journey.  I felt the cycling and my own form of liminality.  I remember standing in the shower and realising that I was terrified to let go because I didn't think I would ever get off the floor.

My D13 (at the time) told me that she was waiting for me to breathe out.  I know that I operated on auto for the first year.  I am very much peeling back layers now and I think I would be at this stage if H was here or not.  I recognise my journey at separate to his, although I initially thought it was all about him.

[Mitzpah]

Think that we all reach acceptance on a different time line.

I know that I denied, fought against it for a very long time. There are times when I don't even know for sure if I have reached it. As I approach four years after BD in December, I perceive that I am functional and although I wouldn't really say I am relaxed and happy with my reality, I definitely have happy moments and life does go on with its many and varied challenges (many of which have nothing to do with MLC/marriage breakdown).

I have changed, I have been humbled and broken, I have learned to see that others have it much worse than me and that has made me more empathetic. I am also more cynical unfortunately, no more rose colored glasses for me.

I have always been very independent and this just underlined it. On the other hand, the humbling part is that because we share children, it is not possible to be totally independent! This is what always terrified me about having children and I used to think that I only succumbed to having a family when h. reassured me that he would always help me with them. Nowadays, my thinking is not so limited and I see God's hand in this. As Xyzcf has quoted her priest saying: 'What if God's purpose in this is the salvation of someone?'

I will not give up hope but my hope is not in my h., it is in God or better, faith in God who says He will give me hope and a future...

I will not stop praying for my h. (and OW) for that is the ONLY thing I can do. As for the rest, I carry on living