[nah]

Albatross, I couldn't agree more.  I devil advocate myself everyday.

I do question if my new relationship is just LBS script.  Am I trying to dull the pain just like my husband?  It's slightly different as I have been best friends with my boyfriend for 8+ years, unlike the MLCers who seem to just meet and jump in with OP.

I'm very honest with bf, he has been by my side throughout all this mess.  Again, I'm happier when he is around, so why fight it?

This thread started as LBS script so I have questions--

Will Husband try to come back?
What will I do if he tries to come back?
Will I be able to trust him if he comes back?
Was my marriage real, or was he always a cheat and was I just blind to his actions?
Is MLC real or just an excuse?
Should I leave a man that I KNOW I can count on for one that walked away so easily??
and....
If MLC is real, should it be treated as an illness?  Am I being just as bad as husband for giving up so easily???

It would be nice if I had more answers than questions.   

[31andcounting]

I agree, the "new relationship"  could and probably will be good/great whether it is with a new person or your reconciled MLCer....I don't believe the trust will ever be the same as it was before the crisis, no matter who the partner is.
 
"Once you get burned while reaching for a pot, you will forever reach for a hot pot with caution!! "

the way I look at that is I am safer because of my caution.
31andcounting

[Thunder]

nah,

I think we all have levels of how much we can take before we give up.  I don't have any answers for you, but I have a question.  IF your H did want to come back and be a proper H how would you feel?
Would you give it a try or stay with your bf? 

I, personally, don't see anything wrong with getting on with your life with someone new if you've given it your all and you have nothing left to give.  You have every right to find happiness.  You didn't destroy your marriage.
I would just caution you to take things slow.  Only because after my first H left me I found a wonderful man who did love me more than my H did...in all respects, but "I" was not really ready to accept his love and I ended up hurting him pretty bad.

I guess that's why this time I'm not allowing someone else in my life.  I want to...very much, but I am gun shy yet.
I know I love my H (X) very much and I'll stand a little longer.

LisaLoves,

You're right.  We will never know what our marriage could have been if they had not wanted out.  I'm not saying we can't have a good marriage or relationship if they come back, but it will be different. 
The close, connection, in my opinion is broken.  The never ending trust will probably never be there like before and the beautiful innocence is gone.  Rose colored glasses are off for good.

I suppose it's like being in a bloody war.  You can come out of it and have a good life but you are scarred.  The wound heals but the scar remains.

[toomanytearss]

Thank you for your post LisaLives.  You wrote what I feel but can never quite explain it like you have. 

[nah]

nah,

I think we all have levels of how much we can take before we give up.  I don't have any answers for you, but I have a question.  IF your H did want to come back and be a proper H how would you feel?
Would you give it a try or stay with your bf?

Thunder,
I wish I had a definite answer one way or another.  Boyfriend is very sure that husband will try to come back at some point.  Actually I feel it too.  If/when he tries to come back, one thing for sure, somebody will get hurt.  Again, I'm just taking it one day at a time.  My head says boyfriend all the way, my heart is torn.  The one thing I am sure of, as time goes by, memories of husband fades more and more.

[toomanytearss]

nah I can relate.  I'm seeing someone else and honestly I can't wait to talk to him everyday.  H yeah I dread his daily texts.  I can't figure out if I'm just running away from h and his bs or if my feelings are truly different now. 

My head also days be done with h but my heart won't let go.  My guy also knows everything and believes h will come back.  I just don't think I will be there if h does come back. 

[nah]

TMT---I think there are very few that can relate to our issue.  The funny thing is the only person who still allows me to vent and understands my hesitation is boyfriend  . 

Boyfriend is smart, sexy (hey are those abs??? haven't seen things like those in years  ), and he lavishes me with presents, dinner, dancing, love, attention.  Honestly, I have been a crazy nut job the past 18 months and I keep asking him why he is still here.  His answer?  We have been best friends for years and he has always loved me.  If we just met he would have been long gone.  He would have never ever broke up my family, he loved me from a distance.  I know that I am really, really lucky to have him in my life, especially now. 

Why, why, why can't I stop thinking about the man who abused (emotionally), betrayed and abandoned me?  I guess it's not easy to erase 28+ really good years.  Seriously, how do the MLCers do it?  I have a great guy, husband has a whack job.  I was completely in love and devoted to husband, people think he is crazy for leaving me.  Husband still can't come up with a good reason for leaving me, but he's doing it.  I mean, I'm struggling even though people approve of my actions and I have nothing to feel guilty about, how do they do it?

[LisaLives]

I do believe they ALL try to come back, at some point.  And I struggle so much with WHY would I want him back.  I married for a family, NEVER was it for me, it was, I thought, a loving, strategic partnership, to build a family, to continue to build the family that his and mine started...  Then he broke that compact.  As the person I am NOW, taking him back WOULD be pretzeling all over.  A part of me thinks, even today, engaged and in love, I would take him back, for my kids--the ultimate sacrifice.  I would do it, and I would make it work, for them.  My heart knows that if I did that, I would sacrifice ME all over again, now that I found a man who TRULY gives me grace...  I think they all try to come back, but I don't think any of them, at that point are capable of giving us what we deserve.  Can they grow into it, possibly, but then you are truly taking a chance on a man who only shows a POSSIBILITY, when I guarantee you, there are hundreds out there who CAN AND WILL truly appreciate you.  And there is the conundrum of life after MLC.  WHOSE LIFE IS THIS ANYWAY?  Is it mine, his, my kids, NGs kids, our family, friends?  It's awfully hard to let go and say F it all, this is all about me and I am going for it...  We saw them do it, but us...  Tough stuff...  ll

[Albatross]

Albatross, I couldn't agree more.  I devil advocate myself everyday.

I do question if my new relationship is just LBS script.  Am I trying to dull the pain just like my husband?  It's slightly different as I have been best friends with my boyfriend for 8+ years, unlike the MLCers who seem to just meet and jump in with OP.

Usually MLCers having relationships with old flames, generally with people which they know, and misery push them there. All start benign and after they infatuate...

I'm very honest with bf, he has been by my side throughout all this mess.  Again, I'm happier when he is around, so why fight it?

Same they think. Instead solong internal problems they flow.

Will Husband try to come back?

Majority will try if they have option in that time.

What will I do if he tries to come back?

Nobody knows that when and if that happens.

Will I be able to trust him if he comes back?

In the beginning no, for sure, but time will answer on that question. Once is for sure, bith of You will never take each other for grant.

Was my marriage real, or was he always a cheat and was I just blind to his actions?

LBS can rewrite history as anyone else. I did question my self about that too. Most likely truth is in the middle of extremes. Our marriage was not excellent one  neither bad one. We love each other as much as we was capable to do so.

Is MLC real or just an excuse?

If you ask me, it is real, but is extremely hard to emphatize with MLCer.

Should I leave a man that I KNOW I can count on for one that walked away so easily??
and....

Each of us have light and shadow personality. Man who easily walk away  from You was shadow of self, means opposite of self.

If MLC is real, should it be treated as an illness?  Am I being just as bad as husband for giving up so easily???

MLC is real IMO and should be treat as illness. MLCers does not want help because they are long time depressed and they do not know that they are depressed, slowly long time they dive in depression, so they assume  that they are in normal state. Also some of them knows that is something very terrible happening to them and refuse to ask professional help because that then think that they will get a lot diagnosis. Actually in case of MLcers I strongly believe that they will get a lot different diagnosis and that is the reasons why does not exists MLC as diagnosis.

And finally, please do not get it as any kind of critics, we are all just human beings and we are all fragile and strong, we all have light and shadow, bad and good. Hopefully You get at least some of answers. I am looking forward to answer on more if you have them.

[nah]

And finally, please do not get it as any kind of critics, we are all just human beings and we are all fragile and strong, we all have light and shadow, bad and good. Hopefully You get at least some of answers. I am looking forward to answer on more if you have them.

I would never be critical of anybody who has an opinion on this forum even if it differs from mine.  That's why we are here.  Thank you for your answers unfortunately the only people who can really answer most of these questions are my husband and myself.  Right now, I'm not sure which one of us is more confused.