Of course it's different Albatross. So is reconciliation, and I am NOT anti-standing, but not all are wired that way. But even given that, stayed would not feel the anger and resentment she STILL carries if he had not done what he did. The bottom line is we will NEVER know what our marriages might have been if not for the pain of MLC. But, moving on to a new R CAN be good. I am with ember. My H never loved me like my new fiancée does. Never, I know that, and I also know that IF he had, he could never have left the way he did. And I know that because even in the early stages, NG works WITH me. He doesn't force me to change, or suck it up, or bury it. We have been to counseling, mostly for my issues, but also kid things, and we considered breaking up, and when we did, we went back to counseling, so we could both know we were doing it for the right reasons and that we would both leave better people. I had a two-year FWB relationship, also, and in his own way, even he loved me more than H did. We are still friends. NG is okay with it, because he knows that I would never have been healthy enough without him to be ready for a real R with NG.
But, that said, the LBS script and healing path is VERY different for a stander than a person who moves on, and in a way, once a stander rethinks standing and decides, or slowly slides into moving on in new R's the healing reverts almost back to the beginning. When you heal to stand, you come here and you obey the unconditionals, you become the lighthouse, you hold onto the idea that there is no other person for you but your spouse. No matter what anyone says, you have limited your growth, and your spouse has not. Think about it, objectively. We can argue that their growth is devastating, and harmful, but as anyone in the military will tell you, sometimes you have to break a person before you can build them back up. Our spouses broke themselves and they are rebuilding, with drugs, OPs, crazy hobbies, whatever, they are TRYING to find SOMETHING. And, as a stander, it is your hope that what they find at the end of the tunnel, is YOU, and they are going to rebuild a new person, for better, or worse...
A stander knows who they think they are, where they belong, and who they want to be with, all the GALing in the world will seldom make a stander do something rash, like seek a new career, move across the country, or, of course, date, to see themselves in a different way. Only when you abandon the stand do you have the freedom to ditch the unconditionals and truly look at your spouse and M in a negative light, and I mean that, not honest, but negative. If H had never left, I would continue to look at him and our M in a positive or honest light. I am not perfect, he was not perfect, but I thought we worked. And as a stander, I could take off the rose-colored glasses, and look at him more honestly. But, only in abandoning the stand did I cast off that and look at his negatives. Not that I dwell on them any longer, but he actually left a lot to be desired, and I could be appreciated a LOT more. And that process, of finding my TRUE self, under the blame and shame and utter devastation, IS HARD, and so totally different.
And then, once you do that and seek your true ALONE person, not HIS wife, THEIR mother, that person you THOUGHT you would be forever, you figure out who YOU are, and you seek to maybe find another to share your life with, it starts all over. WHO AM I IN A NEW R? What does a DIFFERENT R look like? What are my new boundaries, did I ever have boundaries, what is my role, and how much baggage and I STILL carrying from my old M? And THAT is a whole 'nother heap o healing... I truly wish I knew more people on that path--it's awfully lonely, and just like we come here after the abandonment, it feels good to walk the same path with others, but there are so few of us who brave it again--consciously, after abandonment... Love and light, ll
The best thing about banging your head against the wall for so long is that it feels so good when you finally stop...
BD 1/16/10
D Final 7/21/11
exH married OW the next week and moved across the country to be with her...
LL CHOSE to live happily ever after...
Author
Topic: 
LBS STAGES