[toughtimes]

This thread is great, I have just caught up!

I was thinking about if I am stuck? I'm 2,5 years since he left, in the midst of a divorce settlement and when I have to deal with him, communication is minimal even though he stays at my house once a week, I feel a resurgence of emotion and confusion etc. so I think I'm moving through the stages (think I am slower than most??:-/) but slip back when I have to deal with him. Many, whether standing or in new Rs talk of confusion and that's what I struggle with. Having to read someone else's behaviour, someone you thought you knew so well.
My script is similar to many: What? You're leaving? But I thought we were working things out? Why did you get Sky installed when you've decided to leave? You've been unhappy for ten years? So our whole R has been fake? It's all my fault? I was a cr@p wife, too needy, too insecure, too strong, too miserable, too ... It's all my fault. I should have changed my name when we got married, I was being too feminist. It's all my fault, I am bonkers, a pain to live with, too volatile, not appreciative enough.
Then, I take responsibility for my part in the negative aspects of our R. We are all flawed, good/bad, happy/grumpy, nasty/loving, lazy/motivated etc.

Then there is the lbs script for ow: they're totally in love, besotted with each other, she's thinner, prettier, cleverer, more ambitious, go getting, motivated than me. No wonder he left me for her. But she's so young, like a child, annoying, irritating, too thin ... It's creepy he's middle aged bloke with young woman in her twenties who looks even younger.

It's a confusing ping pong and somedays I still feel desperately heartbroken. But on the good days I sense my memories fading, I don't remember what it was like to have him here and I find myself imaging life with someone new. Someone new to share my family with. I wish with all my heart that we could be a family again but I also feel a little delusional to think it might happen. He seems so into ow all settled in their flat with a room for my kids. Albatross I was lifted by your comment that you feel most MLCers will want to return at some point. 2,5 years and I've had no hint. So I can see how you get to the latter stages of lbs recovery and feel energised and ready to move on. Such a shame MLC takes so long.

[ember]

Hi Thirsty Duck,

I  can honestly say that the numbness or wall that I had built around my heart is gone. I feel like I am completely enveloped in my love for my new guy. It has taken a lot of mental work to feel like I can trust him wholly, not that he has given me any reason not to trust him. I guess it's a matter of once bitten, twice shy. It helps immensely that he knows everything about my exH and how it ended. He helped support me a lot. I have never felt as close or as connected to someone as I do with my fiancee. Not even with my exH. It seems to get better every day. So yes, you will get to a point where you can be whole and give your whole heart to someone new, if that is what you want.   

[Mac49]

Hi All:

Strange occurrence other day, phone # popped up on my cell looked familiar but I couldn't quite place it, it was probably 15 minutes before I realized it was X's work #.

I guess this moving on really does work

Peace to you all

Mac

[toomanytearss]

It does Mac.  I don't have my h's name in my phone anymore.  Every once in a while he will call me and it will take me a minute or two to recognize the number.  Maybe in a few more months it will take me 15 minutes to realize who was calling. 

[SwiftCovenant]

I haven't read this whole thread (here) but I went over the Divorcebusting thread that was recommended, and Here's the Goldmine post I found from user "Bworl"

stage One - Frickin' Hell

Can't eat, can't sleep. Can't listen to music, can't watch movies. Obsessed with knowing everything that your spouse is doing. Hang on every word your spouse speaks. Write or verbalize numerous pledges to become a better person. Read everything you can on the sanctity of marriage and how to save a marriage, and actually think there is something to be gained by sharing all of it with your spouse. Willing to appeal to any and all friends and family in an effort to "reach" your spouse. Emotions run the gamut: fear, anger, depression, anxiety, hopelessness.


 Stage Two - A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.. At some point a little bit of knowledge finally creeps into the picture. May come thru a friend or family member, or maybe something you've been reading. You realize the first two fundamental truths - 1) You're not perfect, and 2) You can't control what another person chooses to do.

In this stage we start to try to improve ourselves, but it's mostly improvement done to try to win our spouses affection. We stop pressuring, we stop pleading, begging, etc, and try being nice and giving them a little space.

Unfortunately, our spouse responds to the change by doing or saying something nice or thoughtful back to us. This is unfortunate because we jump at the crumb thrown our way and reach out again, get summarily rejected, and generally wind up back in stage one again.


 Stage Three - "Fool Me once, Shame on You..."
After a period of time working thru stage one again, we move on to this stage where we are now a little wiser to the ways of the MLC spouse. We begin to understand that niceness CAN lead to niceness in return, but that it does NOT change how our spouse feels fundamentally.

We renew our focus on ourselves, this time with less of the motivation coming from our desire to impress our spouse and more of it coming from a genuine desire to rediscover the person we always hoped we would be. We begin to venture out into the world again, start focusing a bit better on work and friends.

We are less inclined to obssess about our spouse, but it's still there. Ocasionally it rears it's head, usually when we are surprised with another hurtful revelation, and this can still send us back to stage one or two for a refresher course.

Two key things happen here. First, we actually begin to see some personal progress that we feel good about. Secondly, that progress establishes a determination that will fuel us forward.


 Stage Four - "How Long Does It Take Again to Establish a New Habit?"
Practice does not always make perfect, but regular practice does eventually establish a habit. Making progress in ourselves causes us to want to make more progress. We begin remembering things we always thought we would do or try and realize that we now have that opportunity. Slowly but surely we begin chipping away at the rust that had accumulated on the person we once were, and we begin to like the return of the old, energetic self.

We still hold out hope that our spouse will be a part of our life again. But we've also reached a point of honesty and realized that our relationship had become something less than what it once was. We can see that both spouses had let hurts, disappointments, and laziness diminish the love and commitment that we started out with. We acknowledge inside ourselves that both of us truly had much that needed worked on and improved.

Despite the love we still have for our spouse, we've begun to entertain the notion that it might just be possible to still have a full and meaningful life, even if they choose to never return.

These are just some of my weird thoughts about the process, and of course they come from my experiences, which are not necessarily the same as others.

These are my sentiments/experiences exactly.

[stayed]

Thanks SwiftCovenant, that actually sounded like how my situation went down.  Unbelievable.  Loved it.

Hugs Stayed

[Hmmm]

Why oh why when I have just started to have fun, make friends, go out, feel attractive and generally started to relax and be normal, does he decide to get the most suicidal he has ever been???

After a lovely time with our kids a couple of weeks ago, this week he almost decided to leave them forever.

Does us moving on really have such an affect or am I reading into it too deeply?

I must not get back on the roller coaster

[stayed]

Hmm, I am so sorry!  Please do not get back onto that Roller Coaster.  Don't let him drag you back into his drama..

hugs Stayed

[SwiftCovenant]

Yep, Stayed, I could have written that post.  My EXACT experience.

Hmmm...I keep dealing with suicidal understones from H from time to time...sometimes outright overtones.  Just when I'm going along just fine I get "poor me" phone calls, e-mails, or visits where he talks about wanting to "check out."  A few months ago...just when I was getting back on my feet emotionally more...he stops by the house and admits that a motorcycle accident he had two years ago was a suicide attempt.  As time went on he has downplayed that.  I believe for the most part suicidal talk is attention-seeking behavior even if there is an attempt.  They know that most compassionate human beings will not ignore suicidal talking/gestures/attempts, and if we do they can paint us as heartless even if it's just in their own minds.

The manipulative behaviors of these MLCers know no limits.  I'm convinced if someone truly wants to commit suicide they will do it without engaging us in any drama. Yes, we know this is depression, and that suicide is a real possibility, but over and over again talking/gestures without success is, most of the time, purely attention-seeking manipulative behavior.

[stayed]

Yea, the old suicidal talk...  I got that one too.  Actually my h was much more subtle, he planted the seed in the minds of his secretary and some people who worked for him.  I called there one time and they were all in a panic, crying, out looking for him.  It was total attention seeking.  I was shocked, I certainly never expected him to go to that extent.  They were asking me, "what should we do?"  When I said, relax, there is no way he will "off" himself... I know they thought I was the coldest,biatch in the world. The truth is, I knew my h couldn't do that.  He can't stand a simple cramp in his big toe.  So the very idea that he might hang or shoot or overdose himself... NAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... of course if he had done so, I would have felt pretty damn awful.

Don't let your MLCer hold you hostage.  If your MLC "offs" him/herself...there is nothing you could have done to prevent him from doing that.  He / she is just "sicker" then you thought.

Hugs Stayed