[CallanG]

Great idea to resurrect this thread to focus on the LBS.

I am BD + 18mths . Gosh is is weird to see that written down . I remember when I landed here my mind was a mass of confusion because nothing was making sense . I was surrounded by people telling me what to do and I felt completely out of control .

When I first read OP's welcome and it said to work on myself I remember thinking I don't want to work in myself I just want my H back . I swirled around and around for about a month and I decided that I needed help . I hated feeling out of control and I needed to be able to focus . I found a counselor and I was very lucky to strike gold with her , I then went to the GP and got some anti depressants .

Her calming voice and the medication helped me start to focus , I have to admit I did not focus on me to start with it was all about H but then I started to see how things that were happening now were tied in with my childhood , old fears and insecurities where back in the front of my mind . I have always been very upfront with my emotions and I think that helped me a lot , I remember saying to my IC that I needed to move on because people were telling me that was what I needed to do . She asked is that what you want and I said no , we talked and what became clear was that I did not want to become a victim , that thought was kept me going . I refused to become bitter that is not who I am .

Very early on I realised that I had to learn to say no , people thought I needed to be taken out or visited and sometimes I just wanted to be on my own . I still do . I told people that I was very grateful for the offer but on this occasion I would no . I told people I did not mean to offend them but I needed to be able to say no without feeling guilty .

I would say that now I can honestly say I am happy , I have moment of joy and moments of sadness but I am happy and I have a good life . Over the last 18 months I have gone through all of the stages of grieve and I have reached my own acceptance . Acceptance of what happened and why it happened . I feel that I know myself so much better than I ever did and I am happy with who I am .

[31andcounting]

Interesting thoughts here....  I too in the beginning "was different"  yes this was MLC but my H was "at the end", I was different than everyone else on this forum and my H was different...our life was different!!
That was my first real awakening   nope we are all the same.  Not literally of course but we/I was in the middle of my H's crisis and I needed to learn "what I needed in this life"
Once I truly realized "THIS is now about ME"  that is when the real change happened.  I could do nothing to hurt or help BUT ....I could really find me.  I figured out who I was for the first time in my 50+ years of life, kind of crazy but true.
I am still a work in progress but I love myself
31andcounting

[calamity]

I never knew what focus on me meant at first--I'd been in a couple for so long that I'd lost that, what selfishness? 

I do think we have to understand mlc before we can get that it is not the fault of the lbs. Once we understand mlc, we can detach, regain the lost self-esteem & get back our normal selves.  Of course none of this process is linear.  No formula for healing here--just a long slog with many wrong turns & doubling back.

[Still Kicking]

I had always thought "focus on me" was selfish also.  At least in the terms of how society seems to be me, me, me these days.  But I was fortunate in that I found this site very early after bomb drop and so much of it sounded like exactly what was happening that it gave me incentive to try the advice. 

But I will admit that at first I was still doing it for him.  At the time I was too crushed to care about me so I had to make up a carrot to wave in front of myself and that was to keep going and save the house and become strong so that there would be something left for him to come back to.  Plus in reading the few success stories, the ones who had gotten theirs back had made themselves into stronger people so I wanted to go with what had worked.    Now two years later I'm trying to figure out how not to have him come back. 

But I would have to admit I didn't think I would be different as things seemed to be playing out as described.  I had a wallower who stayed at home for two years before leaving.  But it was always in the back of my mind that the articles said they would live in their man cave and not really be a part of the relationship (check) and that they would set a deadline in the future for leaving (check--and I knew that was happening as he never unpacked fully from when he left the first time and then and returned) and that when they did move it was often in with family (check--at least that was his plan until some coworkers sidetracked him).  So none of it has really been a surprise.

One thing I did notice was he did seem to be making efforts to reconnect the first year and I was not that reinforcing as I was confused as to if I SHOULD want him back due to his behavior even before BD.  Plus I really didn't see enough changes or believe in it too much.   I also didn't feel ready to be strong enough yet not to slip back into old habits.  So I wasn't very proactive in that and we basically just co-existed in a civil manner.   It was really a limbo and near the end I was anxious not to have to deal with it anymore and felt neither of us would  make progress unless he left so it was not really heartbreaking to have him go.  (And I also learned that some of what I thought was reconnecting he was doing for entirely opposite reasons so I don't feel too bad about not responding favorably.)

He also built in some circumstances to his leaving that assure continued contact (check).  But in his mind right now he is hoping we each find someone new.    I actually feel rather freed by it and have a bucket list of things I want to do that he wouldn't do with me before.  I don't see a future with someone who doesn't ever want to do anything so unless he comes out the other end of this as a new person I think I would be stifling my life to be with him again.  And I'm not totally convinced I wasn't just a convenience for him all those years.    But I feel like at the moment I have not closed the door on him completely--just on the relationship.   I am now planning the "me" time and not looking for anyone new.

[Songanddance]

Your need to start working on you.

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.

Recognise this? This is part of OP's welcome to the board.

Thanks to those who have contributed already - your comments about how you feel now are invaluable and perhaps we can split those comments into a thread about feelings at BD+ 3yrs. 

What about the feelings that you had as a newbie or rather at or just after  BD?

For me, I remember feeling utterly bewildered at the first mini BD which was 2 weeks before the main one. I remember being in a panic  and rushing home to see if H had changed. I remember feeling as though I was walking on glass shards not eggshells. I remember crying and feeling isolated. The fear before the main BD was incredible especially when H supposedly went away for two days on his own before writing me the BD letter.  I was so afraid I was throwing up and a complete and utter pale shadow of myself.  I am by nature an impatient person(yes I'm working on it) but that dissipated completely in my fear and I was waiting upon H's every breath and movement.
When the main BD happened I remember asking H if the letter would change us irrevocably and feeling so lost when he said yes.
When I read the letter I remember the confusion, the shock , the incredulity that he would write such a letter. I remember being utterly stunned at seeing my H crying and finally I remember feeling so sick when he put his hands up as I walked towards him and he screamed " Don't touch me I don't want you near me."

I remember feeling as though the plug in my bowl of life had been pulled and I was whirling downwards in a vortex. A vortex that had no life raft or sense of direction.

Please help the newbies understand that their feelings are normal when BD happens. What is your experience of your feelings at BD?

[Still Kicking]

It is different for me as I had come to romance late in life and had a history of being dumped by people.  So the feeling was all too familiar and I knew where it would lead and I didn't want to go there any more.  So I went into survival mode and read everything I could and booked nights out with friends and tried to keep from being destroyed.  But there were still times when I would go into hysteria because I had thought I had finally found a good one and had put so much into it and now every plan was shattered.  I don't believe I ate or slept.

At one point I set 3 goals of what to do each day that were simple yet seemingly impossible.  One was to do the dishes (control of the environment, accomplishment), the other was to take the dogs for a walk (exercise plus making another being happy) and the third was to eat something.  I had a box of frozen breakfast burritos on hand and would attempt to eat one twice a day.  I remember taking a bit and trying to swallow without the food touching the inside of my mouth as it was all so nauseating.  I went through boxes of them as it was all I ate for a few months but to this day the very thought of one makes me ill. 

[Songanddance]

At one point I set 3 goals of what to do each day that were simple yet seemingly impossible

That's just perfect SK. The simplest things seem the hardest and yet it is that which helps us face each day.
The food thing also resonated with me - all I did was eat hot oat cereal as I knew that oats were slow burning and that one bowl a day could keep me going - no wonder I lost weight. 
I went off, and still am, off red meat and only ate chicken rarely. Veg and fruit were all I could manage after a few months.
Survival mode but the similarities are so interesting.

[CallanG]

I remember for the first couple of days not only could I not eat I could not drink anything . Nothing tasted the same as it had before . Eventually I drank some chai tea . It was weeks before I could stomach coffee .

Through my ups and downs I lived on baked potatoes . It was my go to meal when I felt low . It is amazing how many potatoes I went through and how thin I got . People said I looked haunted and that they could see no colour in me .

[Pixiegirl]

Everything tasted like cardboard for a long time. I used to eat one bagel and it took me all day to eat it. I tried to drink coffee but it make me too shaky. I one life water per day because I thought I needed water and vitamins. It took me all day to drink that too. I moved on to  breakfast and meal bars. I ate two of those a day sometimes.

I really have no clue how I survived the first few months. I don't remember a lot. I sat on the patio a lot just staring off in space.

I set 3 goals per day too. 1) Get out of bed 2) shower 3) eat something. I obviously failed on the eating part because I lost 60 lbs.

You would think that I would be used to it since H has left for the 4th time. Somehow I think I knew this time was going to be it for me. I knew I wasn't going to let him come back until he changed.

[HeartTattoo]

My H asked me to sit & began his BD speech.  I could see his mouth moving & heard the words he was saying but I was surely mistaken; these could not be the words my H was saying.  I was in shock for two or three days, not eating, not sleeping; I didn't even call family or friends.  I was filled with thoughts of trying to find the apt in the neighboring town that my H had said he was going to live in with the OW.  I thought I could find him by just driving around aimlessly & seeing his car.  What I would do then, I don't think I knew, but I actually didn't have any energy to go anywhere.

I then became agitated & manic.  I had panic attacks & called my H, who was actually quite concerned at that point.  I paced our home day & night, crying & moaning, clutching my stomach.  I told someone I felt like I had been kicked in the head & punched in the gut.  The pain was physical & emotional & mental.  At one point I felt my depression rapidly deepen; all was pain & darkness & despair.  I didn't know how I could survive long like this.  Miraculously, as quickly as it descended, it lifted back to my depressed baseline.  It was a glimpse of hell I don't know how anyone could survive.   

My H had agreed to see a counselor with me & because of my reaction he arranged to move the appt up a couple of days, which meant we went to a different office.  When I arrived, I sat in my car staring at the counselor's sign, paranoid, because I believed that perhaps my H had arranged to have the appt in that town because there was a psychiatric hospital there & he would try to have me committed.

I lost a great deal of weight & didn't even realize it until my pants began sliding off my body & my wedding ring would constantly fall off my finger.  I lived on soups & yogurt.  The obsessive, racing thoughts were overwhelming.  There was no thought in my mind except for that of H & OW & "the situation".  I couldn't focus on anything else; I don't know how I drove around without an accident, my mind was so distracted.  I searched the internet obsessively for a couple of weeks to find a picture of a heart with a dagger through it to have tattooed on the left side of my chest.

Soooo, pretty seriously crazy for 3-4-6 months!  I tell people I'm not sure what a nervous breakdown is, but I'm pretty sure I had one.  I began sleeping some & very, very slowly, but steadily it improved.  I began talking to people; actually I talked to everyone I came into contact with.  Every day I had a mental list--who could I call tonight to get me through the long hours.  I continued with my counselor weekly & he provided a framework (not too unlike MLC) that immediately informed me that none of this was my fault, that H was likely depressed with poor self-esteem & that his "new R" was a completely unhealthy, addictive one.  So, I spent very little time blaming myself.  I've never had much anger, although everyone kept telling me I should be angry, that it would help me.

I had much more anxiety than anger.  The triggers were everywhere--everything in our house, all the music, anything on TV we had watched together, any photos, the constant flow of memories of our long R.  Downloading e-mail was awful, because just seeing H's name pop up would cause panic.  Just knowing he had been to our property caused anxiety attacks.  Some attacks were random; I had to leave church services more than once due to anxiety attacks.  I had to teach a class a week after BD & had others scheduled for the next two months.  In each class I relived the anxiety of the first one & I had to resign from teaching the craft classes I loved so much.

I survived all of this because I am a very stable person, I am a very mature person, I had good RL support & an excellent counselor, & because I intuitively knew that the quick fixes of alcohol, drugs, or rebound R's would only hurt me.  I instinctively knew that I had to walk straight through the flames of this tortuous pain; there was no other way.

I found The Hero's Spouse six months after BD.  It has filled out my understanding of what has happened to my H & to me, it gave me the wondrous support of LBS's from around the world, & it has given me the task of passing on that support & understanding to others.