[calamity]

Hi BH,

I know you posted on Ask the mentor but I had to answer [it's late here on the west coast & I think the whole world is asleep  ].  I am very sorry you had another BD, what number 3?

Go back to square one & take very, very good care of yourself.  Do whatever it takes to feel better & you know, how you feel right now won't last long.  Been there, done that.

As to his illusory happiness, hah!  Don't you believe it!  Just wait & see.  No fool like an old fool.

[Returned]

Brokenhearted,
I am sorry you are going through this.
I am not as worried as you are. If she is 48 years old and has never been married I doubt it will last long.
Women who have never shared their life with a man rarely adapt well to marriage. They are not used to compromise, they are used to having things their own way, even in the little stuff. Their houses are arranged with every item in an exact place, and everything done in an exact way. Having a man around at first is thrilling, but after the sheen wears off, they find that their belongings are moved, that the items in the kitchen havent been put away right etc and they become harpies.

Hang in there and keep busy doing things. Keep yourself distracted.

Good luck

[Ready2Transform]

With the photos I see she has posted "2nd big wedding!!!!)  I still naive, am wondering who else got married. Then I remember the picture of ow with ring.  It can't be...I admit to driving to where he was living...there is no car...his belongings, furniture are all pretty much moved out...where is he...at her house, moved in I assume...Nt an engagement ring, a wedding ring. 

{{{hugs}}} brokenhearted.  I want to point out that a lot of the information you're inferring.  The niece may be referring to a friend or wedding on her new family's side, too, from what I'm reading.  If OW is a public figure, an announcement would probably have been in the newspaper about their wedding, or maybe even their engagement. 

Either way, though, none of it matters in MLC.  It's all STILL just a bandaid, trying to constantly up the ante to make the hurt go away.  Your love was not a lie, your life MATTERED - STILL matters.  You are grieving right now, and that is healthy and normal - neither of which describes your H.  You may not have a piece of paper, but your bond was the significant one of your lives.  When they are in crisis, every move they make is destined for failure.  Unhealthy brains cannot make healthy choices.  But this time is for you, and NO MATTER WHAT - you are going to be okay.  You are going to have joy.  All of this will someday be framed so differently than it is right now.  I know that is hard to believe, but it WILL happen. 

Love to you, friend.  Try not to focus on him, them, the family, any of that.  It will resolve with time.  Right now your life is about you and your healing.  That is where you will find logic, answers, and peace.  There is no sense that can be made from MLC.  But there is within you.

[brokenhearted]

Thank you all for your wisdom and support. It does feel like the first BD, like I can't breath. Found out more info. He is moved into her house, just moved into a new life and married.  He is moving what is left of his house to hers today or this weekend. It is hard to grasp, even with all my reading here.
I guess it is over.  I read til quite late last night and if I am reading correctly, mariage is a whole new ballgame with the MLCer. I think I read that it stops progress and the MLCer can be stuck there forever at this point. Wanted to check to see if I was reading this correctly that marriage seems to rule out any chance of reconnection as know I would be the ow!
Just there was a reason I kept my name "heartbroken."

[OldPilot]

I think I read that it stops progress and the MLCer can be stuck there forever at this point. Wanted to check to see if I was reading this correctly that marriage seems to rule out any chance of reconnection as know I would be the ow!

No that is not true.
It makes more destruction and more difficulty in reconnection.
Read Don't Give Up, his wife has divorced him married an OM and he is still standing.
That does not mean waiting though.
You must get on living your life.

We can not tell you what your boundaries are, if he has crossed them to the point that you would not remarry, then tht is your choice.
However what I think you may find is that if you were to remarry anyone that had already been married then you would be an OW.
Really that is just FOOD for thought.
I would just worry about you right now.
You are no where near ready to be in any relationship right now, IMHO.

Him destroying everything is just part of the script.
Let him go, for you are right that now you wouldn't want him the way he is.

Hope this helps.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I will find you the link but that when the affair partners marry, the divorce rate is 80%. Also, many feel compelled to do things. Your stand is not about him but about you and your healing capability. When you are done, you will know it and you will leave your marriage. It is your choice and will always be your choice.

It is something to think about and use it to empower your choices. It is what you can accept and deal with. That is what you need to know and understand at all times.

(((((hugs)))) and more (((((hugs))))

[brokenhearted]

Thank you my friends for your support.  I am humbled and grateful for all the kind and caring words.  Two years down the road from BD, one would think I would have been prepared for this. I don't know that there is a way to be prepared. Though we are told not to have expectations, I believe we all carry hope in our hearts and this is what sustains us.
I would be interested in reading the statistics. I realize at the start of any relationship all is fun, new and shiny. I realize this changes as life settles in. But I am having a very hard time believing it will change for my partner. He now has the woman who sees no faults only goodness in him, and I am sure giddy over her good fortune of meeting and now keeping him, getting him to committ to her. He also has the built in mother he so misses that comes with the new wife and new home.
His new home is adorned and lit with candles in each window, such a welcoming place if your were just driving by. A beautiful new home, to come home to, glistening and sparkling and waiting for him.

[Terry1957]

So sorry to hear your story but my story is almost the same.  My husband isn't married yet but i feel that it may happen.  26 years together and after 14 years we married i think i got a good 8 years out of that and found out he was cheating.  I fell apart.  I thought we were so happy and in love.  It was a total surprise that he was cheating.  we did everything together hung out all the time, smuggling in the den on the weekends and then i find out he has been seeing OW for a few years before it got serious.  All the begging and pleading crying and nothing would make him stop seeing her.  he finally left in Sept and got an apartment and is still seeing her.  I feel like a piece of $h!te on the bottom of his shoe, I know just how you feel.  the marriage is just to much.  I wish u luck in healing but its definitely time for the both of us to move on.  take care..  I wish you well

[xyzcf]

Brokenhearted, I have moved these posts over to your thread.

[theheartknows]

    Can you please tell me more about what might be going on with my H visits. One LBS said they are "touch and goes." Can you tell me more about this? He came home again and stayed last night in my son's room. I think maybe he just wants to escape his parents house and watch Lost on the computer. (I cannot help but smile at how appropriate it is that he is glued to a program called "Lost!") But it is a long drive for him.
    He did some house repairs and put sprinklers in the garden I have been working on. He id friendly, but the purpose of his visit doesn't seem to be to visit with me,  and he turned down my extra concert ticket. He said he will be back on Halloween to pass out candy. Is this a good thing??What is he doing??? Is this a way to keep from feeling guilty?