[Moving Forward]

Hey TT,
My post cam from experience - at BD we agreed that we wouldn't tell our children about the OW and  my exH was the one who said that OW wouldn't be in their lives for a few years as he wanted to make sure that they got accustomed to their new life without their Dad being at home etc etc- this was in Oct/Nov 2009.

Fast forward to August 2010 and he was arranging, with the help of my best friend and her husband, to be at the Science Museum in London for lunch and to 'bump into' the OW in the restaurant. I found out about it and made sure that my children were aware of what was happening and that I knew all about the OW and that I was ok with it - children worry about the left behind parent and I didn't want my children to worry about me. It was the worst weekend of my life.

The initial meeting didn't go quite as planned, my son walked off when he saw her saying 'he wasn't going to meet that s**t' - oh dear.... Fast forward 2 years and my kids don't like her, they tolerate her as she is now their Dad's wife, they say she is brittle and boring and two faced. My daughter is very open about her, my son less so but I know they don't see her with love because THEY KNOW the part she played in the demise of their family. I have kept a very dignified silence on the whole situation,being age appropriately honest but never slandering their Dad and rarely the OW.

Kids, at any age, who are coping with divorce or separation need to have some stability and trust in one parent (best to have both but in MLC situations this is not possible). I have simply chosen to be that parent and act accordingly - it is so tough but it is the only way in my view.

be the better, safe option for your kids.

[Buggy31]

This is sad but reality that we have NO control over OW being introduced or not...and it is part of the script in MOST sitches it happens as it's another way for alienator to STAKE her claim.  The best thing to do is develope your intuition and talk to your children.  If they are young, under 8 you can pay close attention to their PLAY because if anything is going on they will work it out through PLAY.  I was lucky enough to get a guardian in the situation but I put my kids in therapy right away as it's another set of eyes and ears.  If the MLC H is staying connected to the kids then , I believe, OW will be introduced.  It is really hard but they WILL not see her as their mother.  My children know who there mother are and OW is incapable of such a connection.  In my sitch there was lotza buying in the beginning now D10 is working through intense hatred of OW as she is figuring things out ON HER OWN...this is key.  Kids are very smart and yet the R with their father is very important too...even if he is out of his mind. 

OW is know getting jealous of Hs R with kids and trying to control it more especially D10...She texts if they have one on one time together and call.  One on one time is rare and yet she still is clingy.  The children are a connection to the LBS so they threaten OW standing and yet in my sitch H would be sickened by her if she was unkind to his kids so she has to wear the mask or show true colors.  She is BPD waif and does not discipline my kids...that boundary has been set by H and they follow it...so there is my .02.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

HUGS
BUGS

[CrazyStuff]

Did she ever try to approach them even if you had told your husband there would be no contact between her and the kids while he was with them?

Yes

Did she try to turn your H against his child/children?

Yes, has supposedly said that our children are spoilt and that he lets them get away with too much, especially D18.
For instance: Did she try to keep him from making plans with his kids, or from enjoying family time (calling/texting specifically during family time).

Yes, H plus 2 kids were planning on an overseas trip together last summer; OW said that if h. took 2 kids then she should also go with them; if H. went with 1 kid then OK, also OK if H. plus 2 kids had a short holiday at a local place. 

DId she ever succeed?

Yes.   H. changed plans and had a short local holiday with 2 kids. 

Did she hurt your children directly?

Not directly; however, h. told D18 what OW said, which upset D18 as her dad had put OW before his children. 

Early in the affair or later?

1 year post BD.

Is there any way I can stop my children from being around OW, for instance, by proving she has BPD or a history of destroying marriages?

In my case, OW had been in a relationship with another married man prior to falling hopelessly in love with my husband.    I believe she is BPD.   There was nothing I could do legally to stop my husband introducing OW to our children although I made it very clear to my husband an my children that I did not find it acceptable.     Suggest you look up the difference between Accept and Acceptable.  I accepted what was happening; however, I did not and do not find it acceptable.  It is also important to note that my kids are young adults and I also made it clear to them that it was them to decide what they wanted to do for themselves.   After the first disastrous visit with dad & OW D18 did not visit again except to celebrate his birthday, father's day, other holidays. 

And what do you think drives her to do destructive things toward your children? Or does she feel motivated to take them over and turn them against their mother?

RCR has some articles about the different type of alienators and it is worth reading them.   Many do not want anything to do with the children of the MLCer as they want his/her full attention; others set out to take over the main role in the family.    I haven't seen much on here to indicate that an OW feels motivated to take over the children and turn them against their mother.  

My children realised very quickly that OW was not interested in them and was manipulating their father; they found this out by themselves.   I do understand all your concerns especially with young children.   If this is MLC then the chances are that the relationship will not last, yet it can, as you will have read a MLC relationship may last some years. 
 

[toughtimes]

"RCR has some articles about the different type of alienators and it is worth reading them.   Many do not want anything to do with the children of the MLCer as they want his/her full attention; others set out to take over the main role in the family.    I haven't seen much on here to indicate that an OW feels motivated to take over the children and turn them against their mother."

Hi there I can't find the articles about alienators, don't suppose you have a link? My H OW is only 23 yrs old, what interest she would have in 2 small children I don't know? I wonder if she is just having lots of fun with my H and taking advantage of his status and generosity and not serious about something long term? Seems such an odd thing to do, getting involved with a married father who is also your boss in a very small comPany. I would never do that, even when I was a naive 23 year old, or especially when I was a naive 23 year old. Pray it doesn't last!

[OldPilot]

Hi there I can't find the articles about alienators, don't suppose you have a link?

I am going to guess to start here

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_personality-disorder.html

there are more articles that go with this that may help, look for the link on the side or at the site map.

[Stillpraying]

My H wasn't going to tell the kids or I for 3 months after he left about OW.

I found out after 10 days and not long after, he 'accidentally' bumped into her at the shopping centre when he had the kids with him for his usual Sunday afternoon.  From then on he took them to her place for most of his weekly visits.  The older 2 boys who were 9 and 7 at the time, spent most of their visits in the shed which doubled as her Belly Dancing studio.  I soon learned that all the 'bras' hanging around everywhere were her costume pieces.

She and H would lock the kids out of the house for a short period for visist when "daddy went to look at OW's bedroom".

Yet, I could not do anything about it but I did bring it up at mediation and of course H denied it all.  Kids can tell stories but this I believed.

She doted on D3 but not the boys.  They hated her.  H was told by their counsellor not to introduce anyone to soon but he ignored it.  They can get attached to an OW and then it's another person who they have to deal with leaving.

D3 has been acting a bit unusual at pre-school and I wondered if it was because she hadn't seen OW for 7 weeks after getting to know 'dad's friend for a year.  That is a long time in a 3 yr old's life.

There's not much point in saying anything to H as he just get's into monster.  I said very little and prayed a lot.  The kids saw through it, even s6.

H is much better when OW is out of the picture and I hope she's gone for good this time.

I do feel she may have been the one that muscled her way into the time with H and the kids as he did say to them "sorry but OW wants to see you so we need to go there" or "OW wants to come to the movies too".  He just didn't have the guts to stand up to her.

H's sister's ex H has been re married for 10 years and his new wife still hasn't accepted his daughters.  they aren't even allowed in their father's home to give him a birthday present!!  That is so sad but then, theri mum is also pursuing relationships and even though my niece is 22 now, she still wishes her mum would just 'be' and stop persuing a relationship.

So I beleive Moving Forward's advice about being the stable parent is very important and the best thing you can do.  The children's counsellor also said this and now I have heard it from the mouth of the child who's been though it.

[underpressure]

All of your comments have been so helpful. It is really good I think to have this thread where we can look at the different types, and get a bit of a handle on OW as a concept. I want to be able to prepare and protect.

One idea that I am strongly getting from reading these posts is to get my S5 into counseling. We will be reassessing the budget soon (or rather I will be), and perhaps that needs to be a priority, (H denied the need for it back in January).

It seems like whether OW wants to gain control over the children's emotions through close proximity or keep them out of the picture by influencing H the motivation is the same: Control of H. If she has the love of the children, she has more power over H. If she has him less attached to his children, she has more power over H.

[kikki]

It seems like whether OW wants to gain control over the children's emotions through close proximity or keep them out of the picture by influencing H the motivation is the same: Control of H. If she has the love of the children, she has more power over H. If she has him less attached to his children, she has more power over H.

Yes, this is absolutely correct. OW wants power, whichever way that manifests.

Our children are now 14, 16 and 18.  It hasn't been easy, as this has caused huge arguments with their Dad at times, but they have all refused to spend time with the OW. 
He didn't mention her existence to them until 18mths post BD, and then he screamed at them because they said that they had no interest in ever meeting her. 
RCR had said to me that if he ever insists, it would have to do with the amount of pressure that the OW was applying. 
They had recently 'broken up' a couple of times, and I am sure this was one of her demands during the 'make up'. 

I think your idea of getting S5 into counselling is wise.  The toughest part of all of this is the effect that it has on our kids. 

[calamity]

My d is 22 so her R w. her father &/or ow is up to her.  She is adamant that she won't meet ow.  I think she has enough w. 2 parents & her boyfriend's 2 sets of parents & grandparents.
Just a note of interest:  one way ow 'seduced' my h was to admire his parenting, 'you're such a good dad'.    Of course, later she added that my d should be 'happy that he's happy'.  Need an emoticon for vomit.

[underpressure]

:¬(o)˚