[BirdSoul]

Limitless,

Thanks for your post. You have lovingly and  successfully addressed many of my fears (which is why I love this site, because of RCR and awesome people like you!). Here's another one: as a Vanisher, my ex-H has no contact with me (nor does his family, save for one step-SIL who is ever my friend). Out mutual friends have, mostly, dropped him. He cannot "see my changes." I don't think he even thinks about any changes I may have made, my life, what I am doing, etc. I think he thinks he has found happiness with OW. He has no interest in me at all. I don't know if the time will come when he might start to feel an interest. We conducted our entire D through lawyers. He never spoke to me about getting divorced. In fact, he shows absolutely no hint of ANY interest in me. He is no clinging boomerang to be sure.  I couldn't imagine him leaving me, but I can't imagine him coming back. I am not ready for another R. I know ex-H is still in replay. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I go from loving him, to hating him, to feeling sorry for him in 5 mins span. I just have a really hard time letting go of the hurt and pain. But you have given me some comfort that this is all normal...

[Anjae]

BirdSoul, it is normal for us, especially in the earlier years, to oscillate between love, detest and feeling sorry for our spouse. Your BD was less than two years ago. By MLC standards that very little time. Your husband may need a few more years to, again, have an active interest in you.

Mine passed from clinger to vanisher but, at times, we do talk. I mean, I call him, because of bureaucratic of legal issues. Don’t know how someone who is a vanisher from the beginning and who is already divorced will act further down the road but most MLCers end up waking up, regretting their actions, and trying to get in touch with the spouse/former spouse.

You don’t need to be ready for another relationship. Give yourself plenty of time, latitude, allow yourself to have ups and downs. MLC is a long, tough ride and we all cycle, get angry, get impatient. It is normal.

Hugs, A

[BirdSoul]

Thanks Anne J,

Here's an interesting tidbit. When I tried calling H after he left, he either hung up on me or refused to take the call (would not answer the phone). At least your H will take a call from you.

Mine has truly, utterly, completely deleted me from his life.

Hugs back to  you,

Bird

[OldPilot]

RCR just posted this blog post

http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?p=1632

she linked this thread, so I am bringing it out of the archives and starting the discussion.

Great Blog RCR.

My comment is as follows.
MWD and others all use the 5 year point as a milestone.

That if couples would move forward 5 years from their marital problems, that they would see improvement.
She must say this for a reason.

Of course we could discuss whether that is 5 years from BD or Divorce.

Interesting that she no longer quotes the 10% rate of reconciliations any more.
I will look around when I get the chance and see if I can find a reference for it as I have heard that number also.

Anyways I enjoyed the blog.

[Trustandlove]

I agree, it's a good blog.  I guess I'm in that group, very small on here, whose MLCer was much more a close contacter during the first years of the crisis, and who is now becoming more and more distant.  Both literally and emotionally.  In the first years of the crisis there was still emotional contact, if that is what she is calling it, but since this latest OW and him taking legal action that has become less and less.  Unless monster means that there is still emotional contact   

It's an interesting, thought-provoking blog; I know I always had that 5-year point as a milestone in my head as well, but that was probably because I know a couple in RL who were apart that long.  Well, that point has been passed, and the crisis continues.   I do have a life, a good one, is his? 

There really is no one point for saying that it's no longer MLC, it's now a lifestyle choice.

But for me, even thought I don't consider myself a covenant-keeper, I guess I don't see a problem with standing and moving forward at the same time.  I sometimes wonder if I will feel differently if and when he finalises his divorce.  But then I see that I will deal with that when it happens. 

[Anjae]

I also belong to the small group of those with a closer contacter that turned distant contacter. Mr J was a über clinger during the 7 months I've stayed on my own in the capital. After I moved he made sure he was in as much contact with me as he could (not physically, email, text, phone, even working for the same company).

My branch of the company closed, OW2 become public, he filled for his first court case. I start becoming more distant, he did not pursue. It has been nearly 7 years since BD, we still legally married, I haven't seen him in over 5 years.

Remaining legally married for so long with someone who is not part of our life will not, in my opinion, lead to a better change of reconciliation.

The way I see it, those with close contacters whose crisis last 3.5 to 4.5/5 years have better changes of reconcile, even if they are divorced. Anything past the 4.5/5 years mark start too be too much time, divorced or married. Married it may work if there is close contact.

One can stand and move forward at the same time. We all do it. None of us is where we were at BD. Some of us may wish to remarry (to someone that not our MLCer) and others may not, that is the big difference I see between LBS.

5 years and the marital problems should improve… for me not from BD. After divorced I'll let you know. But I don't have marital problems. None of us does. MLC is not a marital issues. I only have one (ok, two) problems, money and be free to marry who I choose to. 

[calamity]

2 years post BD & I'm still not sure what my h is  .  Was a boomerang but now?

I'm in the

If you just don’t know—you’d rather reconcile, but you don’t think it’s going to happen—how about ending it and yet that does not mean the door is forever closed; it just means that your ex joins the pool of all those other people you may date in the future, but you are not counting on it or committing your life to it.

group.

[Terry1957]

I'M not to sure about why I'm standing anymore either.  As you may have read, the OW sent me text back in January with all of the details of their affair, the hows, whens, ect.  It hurt really bad to hear everything that I had already assumed was going on but she finalized it all.  The one thing was obvious was the man that she spoke of was not the man that I've loved for the past 26 years.  The drinking, hotels, spending money was not my husband.  It was a man running from whatever caused his midlife which I now know was the stress and humiliation that he was going through on his job in addition to losing his closest friend and police buddy.  I prayed to God that my husband would see that alcoholic bipolar woman for what she was and finally come back home but still that didnt happen and although they had a vicious fight because he wouldnt totally commit to her she did what he couldnt do and told me everything.  Three weeks later my husband was back with this woman and I was devastated all over again.  Little did I know that he was trying to end their four year relationship (two of the four years I never suspected or even knew about) but was having a hard time letting go.  MY HUSBAND took this woman on vacations out of the country, restaurants and bars and hotels on Friday nights all over Philadelphia, New Jersey and Delaware hiding from me, and anyone who knew him so I assume they had a fabulous life together before they went on their last vacation and had a really big fight in the Turks and Caicos islands when she hid his passport and just an all out bawl because she felt if he could go away out of the country and lie to me she felt that he should stop lieing to me and finally tell me the truth and let me go.  He asked for more time and so she broke up with him.  My husband came home from his boat trip so I thought and was really weird.  Four days later he moved out.  I found out he rented an apartment and began seeing her again.  That was Sept 2012.  I received her detailed text in Jan 2013.  This woman has since broken my windshield of my car, they must have had a fight he surprised me and came home for the new year and she drove past our home and broke the windshield to my 2 month old new car.   I suspected that they were having problems because he started coming over on the weekends until I began to notice that he only came around when she reveled something to me and after about two or three weeks of handing around the house on Saturdays i suspected he was seeing her again and he denied it.  TWO days later he told me that he wasnt feeling it and left again.  About two months ago they must have had another fight and she sent me pictures of my husbands private parts that he sent her in April of this year along with a picture of HER PRIVATE PART WITH THE WORDS THIS IS WHAT HE LEFT YOU FOR.  I immediately called my husband and told him and sent him the pictures he couldnt believe it.  I told him if we never get back together he needs to get rid of that crazy bit#*.  I havent heard anything from either one of them until about a week ago my husband called to find out how I was doing and for once throughout all that I have been through he lfinally gave me an heartfelt apology in addition to telling me he needed space and wasnt seeing her any longer AND he loved me but wasnt in love with me any more. THEN he asked me out to dinner and a movie and I declined. This man is not my husband any longer. I dont hear from him at all.  Someone tell me why am I still standing? Throughout all of this??? My answer is somewhere in all of HIS midlife crises I failed myself.  I am a wonderful friendly and so everyone says I cant believe your husband is doing this to you, you are a beautiful woman.  I'm sure all of you are just as beautiful and have heard the same words but I have had enough of this circus and my END is near.

[alwayshope]

Oh my!!!!  That is horrendous... She is crazy, I am so sorry that you are having that to deal with!  I have no other words, really, I am shocked.

[misdiz]

Interesting that she no longer quotes the 10% rate of reconciliations any more.

Honestly, I believe the reconcilitation has more to do with the LBS than the MLC'er.  I don't personally know a single person who has gone through what I am going through and still choosing to stand.  "Most" people that are just plain cheated on walk away and don't look back.  IMO at least.  I believe it takes a much bigger person to stand, to forgive, and to want to make the marriage work.  Some people have asked me if I'm afraid of looking "weak" if I take him back.  My response is HELL NO!!!!  Do you have any idea how strong you have to be to the light at the end of the tunnel.  To understand HIS issues when you are trying to deal with your own?!

The LBS is the strong one!  No ifs ands or buts about it!

Now, I'm also not saying that anyone is weak if they choose to end it.  That is equally as hard.  I just refuse to let anyone believe that taking back a ws is a sign of weakness.