[GBM]

AnneJ,

I have also felt many times that not being able to close the door for good might be causing more pain.  Some people can do that with an amazing amount of clarity that that is what they need to do.  I am not one of those people…*sigh*…even when I thought that it was what I needed to do, I felt like I was being forced, and it made me feel worse.  I needed to find another way.  I NEEDED to honor my values and regain my power more than I needed to get my marriage back.  Closing the door on him before I was ready would not have accomplished that.   Believe me, I tried.  This is what many of us here are trying to accomplish; finding our way to healing, and yet keeping hope alive for our marriage because it is so important to us.  I am so thankful for the discussions here that provide us with insights that help us in whatever road we choose.  Individually we have to decide what is going to cause us the least amount of pain, for the long haul.


There are many books and articles, and forums, and people IRL that tell you that you have to close the door and move on, and get over it. I know for me, it created a lot more anxiety and heartache to try to conform to that mentality.  Perhaps I was not so clear in trying to describe that discovering what “standing” means to me, showed me a path that has taught me many things, that will provide me with strength and comfort for the rest of my life.  Getting out of the mentality of being stuck in the middle is recognizing that even though we may not have everything that what we want out of life, we are living in our truth, and you just can’t do any better than that; there is nothing to get “unstuck” from.  We are “there”….aaaahhh; a little bit of comfort there for you whenever you need it, and you don’t need anybody else to provide it for you. 


T&L, and HeyJude, I also feel as though I don’t articulate my thoughts as well as I used to.  After xh left, I know that I had PTSD.  I had trouble completing my thoughts, and I developed a stutter that I had never had before.  All of the emotions involved with the severing of the relationship were bad enough but I think what practically put me into a coma was my fear of my basic survival.  He left me destitute.  There are indeed so many layers to this.


 Trustandlove, HeyJude, and FindingHHope; everything you are saying resonates with me completely.   T&L, what an excellent observation that was; it is true for me as well.  I think that we are living proof that there is a way to keep the door ajar if that is what we want, and be able to thrive. 

[What Next]

But in this middle part, as we progress through it, we may still think that, but we now look more at ourselves, and think, yes, we need to accept, we can't go about ignoring reality

T&L,

This is my middle! It starts with acceptance and then moves me on to wherever I am meant to be or to be going, as this is a life long journey.

HeyJude,

Your whole post resonated with me.  I agree with you and GBM, the PTSD feelings were/are hard to function under but we are getting there and life with all it's normal challenges, stresses and layers can be lived again.  Its a daily effort for me but each day has its rewards, whether that be at work or at home with Ds or with extended family and friends.  There is a large chunk missing but I believe time and my personal growth will fill that gap again.

X

[Still]

I seem to fall into this category, though I could have sworn years ago my H was showing signs of coming out. He physically left the home 19 months ago. I see him regularly and he is no longer monster. He really hasn't been monster for about six months. He is cordial and polite, but finds ways to remind me that April will bring about the permanent separation, he has yet to use the word divorce...which I find interesting.

Though he is cordial, most of our interaction is via email and texts. He is often cryptic in his comments and doesn't always make sense.

I still miss him deeply, but not the person he is now. I miss the person who is in photos and videos. I don't know if that person will ever return.

As for me, I have a very full life. I am very involved in my work and keeping things as normal as possible. My kids seem to be doing okay, though they clearly wish their family was happy and whole again. Don't we all!

[xyzcf]

even though we may not have everything that what we want out of life, we are living in our truth, and you just can’t do any better than that; there is nothing to get “unstuck” from.

 

I was talking to DGU last night, about the difference between "acceptance" and "detachment". I never did the detachment bit very well at all...but I am definitely getting better at the acceptance part and that has brought me peace and contentment in my life.

Thus I too love this:

'smart person accepts, the edit insists'...

After the formal legal separation, that actually pushed me into starting to "accept" that I truly am living alone. He is not a part of my day to day life anymore...and only I can find things that excite me and bring back the passion I used to have for living. Too much time has passed where life was so dreary and painful....please God may I NEVER go back to that place again.

As with all of you the symptoms of PTSD also affected me but I think we can get beyond that as we mature and explore the reality of life without a spouse.

I think that an objective that I have now is what have I learned that might help a newbie to heal quicker? I don't think there is really an answer..our bodies actually are the ones that need to figure that out and it will be different for each person based upon our own life experiences.

I am not feeling stuck these days. There are things I must face up to in life. As has been stated, life continues and we should not stop living because one person in our life is gone.

[Trustandlove]

Still, it is so nice to "see" you again!  OK, not nice that you are still in this, but I hope you know what I mean. 

As you may remember, I, too, have thought that my H has shown signs of coming out at various points along the way, particularly at the 2.5 year mark.  And again at the 3.5 year mark....  I didn't have monster for a very long time, now I'm getting it again, along with legal action.   

Like you say, very cordial, but little communication outside administrative texts.  Kids very OK on the one hand, but not at all OK with what he is doing. 

I'm sure that what I had at the beginning could be called PSTD -- I was such a wreck it was unbelievable. 

But what I do like is the fact that I can now look back on these years and see what I have accomplished despite that -- and it's a lot.  I do love that rear view mirror.

As for detachment?  Well, I'm probably not that good at it either, but I'm definitely getting better and better at acceptance.   I can speak truths to my H calmly, but I still miss him, and still find myself fighting the urge to just take his hand or something when I do see him, which is several times a week, if only for a short while.  But like Still says, I miss the person he was, not the one he is right now. 

Will the "middle" be over with when he finalises the divorce?  Who knows?  I guess I'll find out when I get there. 

[Mitzpah]

Still, it is so nice to "see" you again!  OK, not nice that you are still in this, but I hope you know what I mean. 



Will the "middle" be over with when he finalises the divorce?  Who knows?  I guess I'll find out when I get there.

Hi Still!!!


T&L,

I wonder...

[Anjae]

GBM, I think you’ve found a perfect combination between moving forward and leaving the door open. You’re divorce so, harder it may be, you’re free of all the legal issues. 

I manage to close the door in every situation so this is a first for me. Exactly, even when we think it is what we need to do, we feel like it is forced. I do not know the reason for it to be so, but it is.

Agree with you, whatever we do, we must to on our own time. Not on other people’s time, not even on the MLCer time. We’re the ones who decide when to close the door, even if not for good, when to re-open it, and so on.

In the long, long haul, as in 20 or 30 years, probably what would cause more pain/hurt would be close the door for good. But we can close the door for a while. We’re allowed to have out moment (even if it means years) of privacy and time away from our MLCer.

Never tried to read those books. Just decide to let time do what needed to be done. I keep seeing people that had a 2 years relationship (or marriage) being devastated and, 4 years down the line they still hurt. Well, it strike me that, 20 or more years and a marriage cut into pieces the way ours were, require far more time and a different way of dealing with the issue. Even because many of us remain married for many years to the MLCer. A LBS from a MLC situation cannot be compared to relationships/marriages that end normally. 

Yes we are there, nothing to get “unstuck” from. Yes, living our truth is important and we can’t do better than that. In contrast our MLCer are not living their truth. Mine wrote several times to OW2 that he needed to put is values (his truth, his beliefs) aside, to be able to do “this” (get involved with her and leave).
 

Will the "middle" be over with when he finalises the divorce?  Who knows?  I guess I'll find out when I get there.

Maybe... it will leave you free of any legal issue and the finance will be sorted out. That "middle" will be over.  The other "middle"... one not? 

[Still]

Hi Ladies,

It is so good to see you, my friends. I take long breaks from the forum, as it is what I need. I was directed back to this thread by XYZ today. I am glad that I came. It is good to know we are not alone, but not fun to realize that we are still among so many who are dealing with the craziness.

[LearningIamOk]

Still, I am delighted to see you poke your head in here. You were a model of grace and civility for me in the beginning. I based a lot of my responses on how you dealt with your H.

The thing that weighs heaviest on my mind, is that this could truly go on for the rest of my life if I allow it. All thru my M I kept waiting for H to realize this or that and change his behavior. He never changed anything and I think I am deluding myself into thinking anything will change now. But, then again, I don't want to close the door permanently if things could work out. *Insert piercing scream here*. I feel better now.

[TrustingMyHP]

Well I'm six weeks away from the two year anniversary of BD.  It feels like it's just the end of the beginning for me.  Yet there is a "middleness"" feeling about it, too.

I don't think my "middle" will last long, at any rate.  My H tells me he will file in January and, since it will also be the second anniversary of our official separation and all our financial issues have already been worked out, his divorce will be granted within a few months.

He's also adamant that he and OW will marry as soon as he's free.

Since he and OW have been an item now going on four years, and living together for the last two, I think the likelihood of a divorce is high. 

If my H does marry OW then my stand will be over.  My learning and growing from the experience won't be over, but the commitment to my marriage will be.

A short "middle" indeed!

I had lunch with an old friend, a former work colleague, yesterday.  I told him something that, after I said it, really surprised me.  I told him that, if I was magically given the choice to return to my life pre-BD and have it back but, in doing so I would have to forfeit what I've learned in the last two years about myself, my marriage, my H etc  I don't think I'd make the choice to go back.

When the words came out of my mouth I was amazed.  I didn't realized I felt that way!  But I guess I do, or a part of me does.

But there's no going back.  Only forward.

I'm grateful for what I've learned.  Sad for what I lost.  Sadder but wiser pretty much sums up where I am. 

Yet I'm hanging on to the hope my new life is going to a better one because of what I've gained in self-knowledge and, yes, even wisdom from this journey.

TMHP