Hello Still and Everyone!
Well - are things better? A smidgen.
Some things I have noticed throughout wretched ordeal are that my H rarely makes eye contact with me and when he does its with a very guarded yet angry look. Affection and any meaningful communication are completely off the table, even though we still live together.
For the last 2 weeks I have had the sensation that the EA is truly over. Even when my H has ducked out for an hour or two which would normally get my defenses going, I look and see his cell phone is left home.
A few nights ago my H's biking partners asked me why he was blowing off their emails and texts - not responding. I said I didn't know - but I was oddly relieved that its not just me he's avoiding!
Last week I asked my H to take my S18 on college visits since my S17 had three days "off" from school. Getting my H involved in the college search (or anything else for that matter) has been very difficult - one of his triggers IMO, but I had to work, so my H obliged and they went off for two days.
The morning that they left, I had to meet with our accountant so I could be clear on my H's business activity, as it is reflected on our taxes and comes into play with college financial aid qualification, and the business end hadn't been done yet. Before doing so I stopped by my H's office to pick up reports that he had to run for
the accountant. Up until this year I have worked for my H doing all of the financials, so he has had to take this over in my forced absence. Let me say... I hadn't been in that office in probably 2
months. What a complete mess it was! It was DIRTY and disorganized and the
reports were done wrong to boot. My H is a clean freak so clearly this is not his desire! My H seemed very harried and somewhat defensive. I was sitting behind my old desk and caught him kinda looking at me like he missed the days I used to sit there - a bit remorseful...just a bit. I kept my cool, didn't say anything about the conditions, fixed the reports and went on my way.
Since my H has returned from the college trip he has taken a more active role in the
college look. He has been researching on his own and taking a sincere interest. I asked him to review the financials and it is amazing the things he just doesn't remember. He is an extremely smart person, but his memory is really shot.
I see that he realizes this and I think it is scaring him a bit. It's really a bit scary how many things he doesn't remember. I do wonder about mental illness...is this a phase or truly a mental illness just coming to light? If so - is it treatable?
So - ystdy when he left for work it seemed like he wanted to hug me but I kept
my distance, not noticeably so, I just busied myself a bit. Last night he came home and cooked dinner, then he went to bed before me - left the t.v. on in the bedroom for me to have some light when I went up - had my side of the bed
all made and fluffed up for me - had a candle lit in the bathroom for me (one that he would have actually had to go get and set up himself - wasn't in there). So - that took some effort.
He is looking me in the eye more. He seems to have a softening of heart a bit. I told him I was going to work out tonight and he asked me about what time I'll be going because we're expecting 2 feet of snow and rough driving conditions.
Two nights earlier I had a dream that I was driving very slowly down a road - as if I was just starting out to travel someplace. I saw two large items on the side of the road. When I approached one I saw it was my H's body as he looked when we got married. The other item was my H now, deceased, as if he passed twice - once at 22, and once at 42. Maybe this is the sign of rebirth? That is what I am telling myself. The dream felt sooo real. I woke up and couldn't catch my breath and still can't get it out of my mind.
For us to get "back" completely, I will absolutely insist on therapy, for him individually
as well as for us as a couple, because there is NO WAY in hell I will ever go
through this again - but right now I think I need to let him get some footing
back in the family a bit and get a bit stable before pursuing anything else. He
seems to be trying and he seems to be confused as well. Or this may just be a touch and go.
Or maybe I am just imagining things? I have all kinds of fears...one being that I won't be open to his feelings IF they do return.
I am keeping a polite but warm distance and just working on myself and kids right now. I have been hurt too much to get excited at this point.
Thank you for reading my disjointed post. It is hard to squeeze it all in at work, but I wanted to get it out there because your feedback and thoughts are soooo important to me!
Thanks for listening... -Pup
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Low Energy MLCers