[Slow Fade]

I also would NEVER encourage some one to not Stand. Standing has allowed me to gain myself back. I had no idea how much of myself I had lost over time. Standing means different things at different times. In the beginning it was to recover my M. But that takes 2 willing people. So far H is not willing. Now I use it solely as a Grace Period for my healing.

How long do I wait for a man who is really interested in nothing and no one? He is content to be
alone. I am the only one who can answer that. And I will just know when the time is up.

Learning I think this says a lot. I'm standing not only for my marriage but for myself too. I have a lot to give and I can't give it to someone who won't take it. If my H decides he doesn't want it, then I'm going to explore the options of other r's. I won't become a martyr at the alter of my H's MLC..........but first I have to find me and be solid in that. Then I will have a whole person to work with.

[justwatching]

I agree with you.  Standing is fine and I did it for close to three years after the BD in addition to at least a year prior to that when the MLC and anger was building with my spouse.  I said I was going to start my life 6/2011, took a trip to France, alone for the first time, and stayed at a winery in the South of France.  I started a relationship 8/2011 and it ended a year after, only because of the competition that developed over my time with my younger son.  I can be flexible, but my kids are very important to me. 

I can say that the feelings and intimacy were the strongest that I've experienced, and I'm not just talking about the physical.  I suspect it is because of the loss experienced through MLC, I've realized how important the meaning of a strong relationship can be.  In my opinion, standing is fine, but my MLC spouse has taken so much from me, I'm not going to let her take away the ability to love again.   

[justbelieve]

Awesome topic!
My sexuality is very important to me. Always has been. i found the lack of intimacy the hardest thing to deal with at the start as we had a pretty awesome sex life. I'm only relatively new to this crazy world of MLC so right now, even the thought of another R gives me the creeps! I obviously can't think of being with anyone but my man but that doesn't mean i'm not aware that that could change. Way, way , way further down the track who's to say i won't do so? i have to leave my mind open to any possibilities. That's one thing MLC has taught me. Be flexible and accepting of your situation coz anything really can happen! In all honesty, you never know how you would react in a sitution until it happens to you. Right now i'd say no, i couldn't possibly even consider dating but then I'm 40 years old (soon. sshhhh!) and i agree with what some others have mentioned, life is short and i can't envision a life without intimacy. And not just the pyhsical side, all forms of intimacy. It's too much a part of who i am. Hopefully I  will be sharing it with my man again at reconcilliation i guess time alone will tell.

P.S. Damn i do miss sex though!

[Lovehim2012]

This is a great Topic. I'm glad I stopped to read it.

I'm kinda new to the board. (you can search for my thread for full story) My H has left twice in our 21 years of marriage. The first 11 years ago and it lasted 5 months. I made a mistake by meeting a new man within 3 months, we hit it off, he counseled me, showed me joy and eventually I think fell in love with me. We were intimate once. I regreted it as soon as it happend, but it was good stuff (I was starved for attention I think and wounded terribly). H decided a month later he wanted to come home. My new man encouraged me to go back to H.  This time BD 10/12; I found out about OW 2 weeks later. Found out they were living together day before Thanksgiving 11/12.

I'm still not 100% sure that H is in MLC (again see my story - H has some minor disabilities), but after reading MLC/Infidelity - it fits H to a T!  But right now, I have NO desire to date or be intimate with anyone. I mean it has only 4 months since BD, but at this point 11 years ago, I had met someone and was trying to move on. So what makes this time different? Age? Circumstances? (H is living with OW, I never got confirmation of OW 11 years ago). Fear of dating as a 42 year old? Fear of another failed relationship? Fear of years of dating to find that "right" mate. Fear of being lied to again? Just fear in general ... so see I'm not ready yet.

Do I consider myself a "stander". Maybe. But I love all the points brought up by LisaLives. Maybe I should consider myself a temporary stander.... my H has told me (during an argument) that he will marry OW eventually. So, not only am I trying to sort through all the MLC stuff, remind myself daily that I'm not to blame (although I feel like it), learn to live on my own, take care of everything alone, I have to deal with the fact that my bestfriend/soulmate loves someone else enough to think about marrying them. So, I'm choosing to stand until I feel it's time for me to move on. And for me, standing will not be forever or even years. I've already made that decision. I think I will KNOW when it's time. I made a vow in front of God, my family and friends. I know that God has given me permission to divorce H because of his adultry and I know that when it's time to completely let go, God will let me know. For me, standing is about healing. H has told me at least twice that he wasn't "in" our marriage for the past year. Well, he needs to give me time to catch up. I need time to sort things out myself. I need to feel that I gave my marriage a chance even if H has already moved on. Right now, standing is all about me and not about H's MLC.

As far as dating, I want too. And maybe after healing, I'll feel more ready. Right now, my self esteem is shot. I feel undesirable and unlovable because I'm wallowing in too much rejection. I posted on my thread about 2 different incidents where I received compliments from men and since have gotten another ... it's nice to know your attractive, but feeling it is another thing. I need to FEEL attractive before I can even think about sexual intimancy with another man or even dating. I need to be able to go on a date and not want to tell that person my life story, every ugly detail. I need to get my identity back. And as I stated earlier, I need to get over the fear of the unknown. It's just I have so many friends that have been married, divorced and still single. I DON'T want to be single all my life like those women, but I want to find a good man that I can trust. I think after H and OW, I'll have trust issues in any relationship. I don't want to get played again and feel that I'll hold out giving myself 100%.  So standing is about healing for me. But not forever. 

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

Really good thread you've got going here!

I've only recently decided to end my stand and help the divorce go through, and it isn't because I feel there is no possibility for a future relationship with my H.  I will remain open to that.  But in the meantime I have begun seeing someone and he's great so far (very early stages).  I refuse to end up waiting forever for my H to get past MLC, while kicking myself I didn't at least see what another relationship could hold.  This is going to be how I keep myself from becoming bitter, and shutting the door on my H entirely.  We will both someday be new people who can build a new foundation.  That's the only hope we have.  So I have to let him go... ALL OF HIM... and TRY to treat him in the future as if we don't have a past where he crushed me.

[xyzcf]

I made a mistake by meeting a new man within 3 months, we hit it off, he counseled me, showed me joy and eventually I think fell in love with me. We were intimate once. I regreted it as soon as it happend, but it was good stuff

In my life experience, I have seen this happen many times.

Maybe I should consider myself a temporary stander....

RCR has written extensively in her articles about the concept of standing at
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/stand_standing_clarifying-the-concept2.html
I especially like this quote:

"But why Stand for a marriage when your spouse has decided it is over? I don't see the point.
Then choose not to Stand."

but I want to find a good man that I can trust.

Prior to MLC, our spouses were often men and women of honesty, truth, integrity, pillars of the community. Their crisis seems to have erased what their core values were...but Conway at least believes that they will return to their core values if they were there in the first place.

How will you know that a new partner could be trusted anymore than the one you were married to for 10, 20 or 30 years?

[cherryblossom]

LisaLoves

Thank you so much for starting this topic.  Like many others on here, I too miss sex and intimacy.  You've really made me think about what it would mean to have an intimate R with someone other than my H.  I  don't see it as a "well you've done it so I'll do it", but more of an exploration of my self.  I am my own person.  Right now my H is not present in our R.  Is it wrong for me to GAL if part of that GALing is to enjoy intimacy with someone else?  I have to ask myself honestly what I'm doing and what I want out of life and what is right for me.  I don't believe there is a right and a wrong in this situation because it comes down to each individual.  We're all different....

x

[LearningIamOk]

How will you know that a new partner could be trusted anymore than the one you were married to for 10, 20 or 30 years?

XYZ, that is exactly the question. We don't know. But if you don't take a chance, you will never find the answer either way. I will probably have trust issues for the rest of my life. That will join my fear of losing my home. When I was 8 yrs old, my dad lost his very high paying job. We ended up selling our wonderful Victorian home complete with a huge barn in the back. We moved to a very tiny 2 bedroom, 1 bath cape cod with 5 people. We qualified for food stamps and free lunches at school.

I have always feared losing my home and money again. I was never cocky about what I had or could afford because I knew it could be taken in an instant.

Now I know the same is for relationships. But I still am willing to try again if my M ends. My current home is a sort of recreation of my childhood home. There are many similarities. I feel I would use my knowledge about the good parts of the M to recreate what I loved about it. But I will forever be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I didn't try to date early on. I knew I was too broken.

I need to be able to go on a date and not want to tell that person my life story, every ugly detail. I need to get my identity back.

Lovehim2012, that is exactly it. I feel no need to describe in detail to a new person what I have gone thru. I have reached that point. It's a boring story. It happened. The dates I have had were very superficial. Just small talk, and a reasonably had good time. I needed to see if I could do it. I can.

I refuse to end up waiting forever for my H to get past MLC, while kicking myself I didn't at least see what another relationship could hold.  This is going to be how I keep myself from becoming bitter, and shutting the door on my H entirely. 

Wed2Him, I feel this way too. My sister and her H divorced many years ago. She is one yr younger than I am. Her H did want to reconcile, but she was encased in a bomb shelter with her heart and feelings. She is alone, not happy and perhaps going thru a MLC herself as she is getting tattoos and listening to some odd music. She was delighted when H moved out on me. Misery loves company. She wants me to join her Man Haters Club. I am not going there.

CB, it is a scary thought to think about being intimate with someone other than my H. That part of this experiment is a long way off. I don't know when the specter of my H will fade away. I would still prefer him to be my one and only, but if he chooses not to, I will continue to heal from his betrayal until I would be comfortable. There is no time frame.

[Returned]

Our sex life was good, and I was always very satisfied with my H. I have to say that for the first four months after bomb drop just the thought of sex was absolutely terrifying. We had been married for 28 years.  I mean I couldn't even masturbate because if I thought of sex with my H I started crying from his betrayal, and I couldn't imagine what sex would be like with someone else because it was just to scary.

I am now 14 months out and to the point that I NEVER think of my H in that way. This is in fact a good thing, because it really dulls the pain. If I still thought of my husband in that way the pain would be to much to bear.

However "moving on" is a relative thing. I have begun to think about what other men are out there, but they all have things in common with H. That is to say that I can tell that in some ways the men I am attracted to are simiilar to H, but in terms of values I am attracted to men who I have more in common with than I had with H. If I ever find a stable permanent relationship I know that it will be with someone who shares more of my values than H does. I have decided that this is important, more important than sex is. After all my drive is very strong, but I am aware that many men who are older than me experience decreasing desire anyway. The important thing is someone who respects me.

At this stage I am doubting that I will hold out till H returns. I dont see him coming out of the tunnel for six years or so, and by then I think it is likely I will have moved on.

[leftylulu]

I personally entertained the thougth of dating and even started looking again. This would only last for a day but my heart is not ready to open up. I'm not ready to be that vulnerable right now. I was so connected to him and he was the first man I completely opened up to and felt emotionally safe. I still feel he does keep me emotionally safe that's why he vanished, it protects me from him.

If it was about missing sex I could get that anytime but that's not what I want. I don't miss sex it's the intimacy that miss. We were really connected when we made love. We were really connected outside of making love but that's when our hearts beat as one. It would take our breathe away everytime. I had never experienced anything like it nor did he. We would comment on how that was our dance.

When he came back for 2 1/2 months the first time we made love after he left OW it was anything but that, it was definitely not what we shared between us. It almost made me feel dirty. It wasn't love at all, he knew it too. That's what I want again, those feelings, but it's clear to me that I am not ready to move forward in this area.

Another thing that reamins in the back of my head is not wanting to hurt someone. I don't want to think that I might be ready and then come to find out I wasn't. I do want someone to suffer bad consequences because of my actions. I will know when it will be time and until then I will continue on with what I'm doing because it's working for me.

Take care,
Lulu