[cherryblossom]

These are three powerful sentences. That really helped me to read this!

I'm glad it helped you Reinventing

Reading all of what these Bystanders have said makes me even more sure that we are the strong ones.  I mean here we are having had all the MLC BS to deal with and what many of us would probably regard as betrayal, by people who we thought would be there for us - who haven't even made any effort to try and understand -  and we survive in the short-term and thrive in the long-term

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[calamity]

If he's been gone for 6 months, he won't come back.

He's chosen.  He's happy with her.

[kikki]

Reading all of what these Bystanders have said makes me even more sure that we are the strong ones.  I mean here we are having had all the MLC BS to deal with and what many of us would probably regard as betrayal, by people who we thought would be there for us - who haven't even made any effort to try and understand -  and we survive in the short-term and thrive in the long-term

This is so true CherryBlossom - I have firmly come to this conclusion, although I had to move through enormous feelings of hurt and betrayal at the hands of these people first. 
I just see clearly how pathetic they all are.  (the disappearing in-laws I mean)

[Mamma Bear]

  Must give credit where credit is due. My in-laws and closest friends all asked "What can we do?"  right from the start!
  I said "Stand back and stand clear while he crashes and this fake life falls apart."
  To this day H remains TRAPPED ALONE with OW and the rest of us (me and the Ds) and his family and all our friends just pray for the best outcome and carry on!   
  Some others now know what not to say to me!    

[2.roads]

Wow....another extremely cathartic thread!!

How about:

" If you really love him, you would want him to be happy." ( ex-friend who was playing both sides against the middle...talking to me, then repeating to H...I found out she thought SHE was gonna hook up with him    I asked her "what about my happiness and that of my 4 children?"  )

"Next year this time you will be in a relationship with someone better." ( another friend's idea of encouragement, about 2 months after BD2 )

"It's sad when someone has a total breakdown" ( This was said to S23 by a family friend of H's...in reference to ME as being the cause of our separation).

"Your marriage is OVER...he is not coming back...ever." ( Said to me by close friend of H's 2 DAYS after H moved out!!  Found out since that this upstanding guy divorced his second wife around that time and is now shacked up with a new skank of his own).

"This is all for the best." ( From H's cousin. My reply was "tell that to my devastated kids". )

My inlaws disappeared from Day 1...the last time I saw FIL, was when I had gone to his place to try to talk to H and FIL threw me off his property. But MIL told a relative of mine that " 2.r is so nasty. Last time I saw her she didn't wave or smile." Yeah...boo hoo...

[Lottie]

Bystander :"It's your birthday soon. Oh well, at least you won't be wondering what he's going to buy you this year ...."

"Are you having counselling? If so, it isn't working".

"Unlike you, exH doesn't talk about the minutae of your marriage breakdown ...". ( well i wouldn't broadcast it either if I was a lying cheating adulterer )

"You need to get it in to your head that he's never coming home"... Such compassion!

" how can ex recreate his feelings of love for you if they've  been destroyed?" (yes, and who destroyed them?)

ex BIL told me that exH would either eventually come home, or leave for good by which time I would have got over it, so either way it was a win win situation 

[Thundarr]

Wow, Lottie, you need to surround yourself with different people.  Who in their right mind would say "You don't have to worry about what he's going to get you" as any type of response to something like this?  Damn!!

Mamma Bear, I was just thinking tonight how my sitch seems to be unique in that I am still considered part of my in-laws' family.  My SIL from up North is visiting and I'll likely go over there tomorrow to spend some time with her.  She always greets me with a big hug and kiss on the cheek and reminds me that God is in control.  Not only does she still consider me her BIL, but supports my stand and still hopes XW and I work things out.  She knows I was a good H and that XW ALWAYS said that I was until after BD.  Perhaps the fact that I was all of a sudden not a good H and XW has never skewered me to her family (they wouldn't believe her anyway, except maybe her one sister who unfriended me on FB) keeps me in their good graces.  Either way, it really makes things easier on the kids.

[serenity]

Keep right away from friends/people who have absolutely no idea of what they are talking about!

Their negativity will bring you down.

Anyone who has not experienced MLC simply cannot understand it.

Other people just think the longer your H has been gone, that he will never come back. This is simply not true.

I believe most MLCers will try to make their way home, given time and space to complete their crisis.

X

[Mamma Bear]

   Those people who throw up their hands halfway through your sentence and interrupt you to say "I would never put up with that nonsense."   
   Ok sure whatever
   Holier than thou attitude.
   They say "Stop making excuses for bad behavior."
   I accidentally told H in the beginning that I thought we had a better marriage even now than any of those people rolling their eyes and making judgements.

[cherryblossom]

Reading all of what these Bystanders have said makes me even more sure that we are the strong ones.  I mean here we are having had all the MLC BS to deal with and what many of us would probably regard as betrayal, by people who we thought would be there for us - who haven't even made any effort to try and understand -  and we survive in the short-term and thrive in the long-term

This is so true CherryBlossom - I have firmly come to this conclusion, although I had to move through enormous feelings of hurt and betrayal at the hands of these people first. 
I just see clearly how pathetic they all are.  (the disappearing in-laws I mean)

Absolutely Kikki - it takes a lot to work through the betrayal and hurt.  It took a long time for me to fully accept that I had to just let go of these people.  The freedom I felt when I did that was quite profound - especially with the in-laws.  They hold a LOT of power and I had not realised just how much until I turned off the tap of energy that I'd kept open to them...

  Must give credit where credit is due. My in-laws and closest friends all asked "What can we do?"  right from the start!
  I said "Stand back and stand clear while he crashes and this fake life falls apart."

Wow Mamma Bear - a penny just dropped for me with what you shared.  Asking what you can do for someone, when they're in a crisis, is WAY better than dishing out advice.  I could never quite explain what it was that I had needed from people, but that is it.  I'm filing that one away for future reference so that I can help others - thank you

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