[FindingJoJo]

Part of the whole "get a life" is to actually get a new one, not just going through the motions, hoping the X is watching and wants the New You back, by their actions they don't deserve you.

It isn't truly getting a life if you are hoping H is watching, now is it.  Just because a person believes in the vows they took and honor them does not mean they haven't gotten a life or are hoping their spouse will notice.  Some people do I am sure, but you are angry and making blanket statements where they don't all apply.  Your reality isn't the reality of others, yet you seem to want to minimize or make those who stand for marriage seem delusional. I happen to have a life and s stand for my marriage and vows that I took.  Hope is for the powerless anyway. 

So is not dating and not breaking your vows the only thing that matters?  I have a wonderful life but are you implying because I don't date or break my promise to God that I really don't?  Is your reality the only one that counts and the rest of us live an incomete life?

I don't think a newbie's world should revolve around their H but on their healing however believing and standing according to their principles doesn't mean they can't have a life.  If the focus is only on the spouse and marriage while stAnding still your statement is correct.  But a blanket statement does not apply to all.  Currently we have several people who are in reconciliation or have reconciled, each following the path that worked for them.  It does happen.

[Braveheart]

From RCR's blog I Feel Like Giving Up, Should I File For Divorce

Of course you deserve better, but please don’t fool yourself into believing that divorce is better; it’s often more permanent than MLC. But this is your life and you need to do what is best for you, for your children, your health and well-being and you need to follow your life purpose; maybe Standing is not part of that.

There's a lot of truth in the above statement, Divorce is an awful thing to go through, but at least you are not in Limbo anymore, the boundry has been clearly set and you have to make a fresh start on your own life. There is nothing stopping anyone from rebuilding a relationship with an X years later, and it would probably be healthier as a clean start rather than a restart of a toxic marriage.

[Braveheart]

Part of the whole "get a life" is to actually get a new one, not just going through the motions, hoping the X is watching and wants the New You back, by their actions they don't deserve you.

It isn't truly getting a life if you are hoping H is watching, now is it.  Just because a person believes in the vows they took and honor them does not mean they haven't gotten a life or are hoping their spouse will notice.  Some people do I am sure, but you are angry and making blanket statements where they don't all apply.  Your reality isn't the reality of others, yet you seem to want to minimize or make those who stand for marriage seem delusional. I happen to have a life and s stand for my marriage and vows that I took.  Hope is for the powerless anyway. 

So is not dating and not breaking your vows the only thing that matters?  I have a wonderful life but are you implying because I don't date or break my promise to God that I really don't?  Is your reality the only one that counts and the rest of us live an incomete life?

I don't think a newbie's world should revolve around their H but on their healing however believing and standing according to their principles doesn't mean they can't have a life.  If the focus is only on the spouse and marriage while stAnding still your statement is correct.  But a blanket statement does not apply to all.  Currently we have several people who are in reconciliation or have reconciled, each following the path that worked for them.  It does happen.

Sigh...I fear I'm just saying what no one wants to hear, because the truth hurts like hell.  I'm probably one of the few angry people on the forum, it just appears that way because I deal with the MLC issue based on the evidence I've seen here and on other forums. The reality is for the vast majority of us there will be no reconcilliation of our marriages... we can give ourselves all kinds of reasons to think maybe we will be the exception, but the odds are probably better winning the lottery.

I am not making blanket statements of my own, I'm basing my statements on what I've read on this very forum for the last two years. There are hundreds of posts that show exactly what I've been talking about, people who are two, three years+ post BD and still observing their X's every utterance and action, looking for some positive movement to cling to. If that sounds harsh, so be it.  People in this state are not helped by "When" statements or vague references to the extreme minority of R's that are discussed. It's even worse for the newer people, because at that point they tend to cling to the slimmest of hopes and delay their own recovery.

As far as biblical grounds go, the bible is pretty clear on divorce, you are not under any obligation to God to maintain your vows in cases of sexual immorality, that choice is up to you, you are no longer bound by them. :
 Matthew 5:31-32

“It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

The Old Testament is even clearer on the topic:

“If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death” (Leviticus 20:10; cf. Deuteronomy 22:22).


I'm on the other side of this now, and anything I post is what I see from the other side of the tunnel. I've felt everything most everyone else has here, holding to my vows, hanging onto slim hope, examined my whole marriage for some sort of clue. It was my kids who finally pulled me out of it, telling me at about one year BD, "Dad, you did nothing wrong, Mom's changed, she does not deserve you" and "Dad, I don't know who Mom is anymore, but she's not my Mom". I realized then my kids needed all of my attention, my X was no longer worth any...

[Dontgiveup]

As far as biblical grounds go, the bible is pretty clear on divorce

And equally clear on reconciliation

[Braveheart]

As far as biblical grounds go, the bible is pretty clear on divorce

And equally clear on reconciliation

Yes it is, but it's your choice, you are not held to the marriage vows by God if your spouse has been unfaithful.
More than once it's been stated on this forum  " I made my vows before God and family" as a reason to stand,
as if it's totally out of their control, that they are bound by faith. It's simply not true for Christians in cases of infidelity.
To be very honest I've even stated that myself on several occassions when asked why I wasn't "trying to get over it" by concerned friends and family ....until my father in law, her own father quoted Matthew 5:31-32 at me.

[osb]

Sigh...I fear I'm just saying what no one wants to hear, because the truth hurts like hell.  I'm probably one of the few angry people on the forum, it just appears that way because I deal with the MLC issue based on the evidence I've seen here and on other forums.

You are of course quite right that this is your truth, and that you do have every right to be angry, in your situation. It doesn't happen to be everyone's truth. I don't think anyone can prescribe to me that I should also feel angry. That doesn't mean I'm not a realist. It just means that anger doesn't help me.

I hope you don't think this is piling on. We each have our coping mechanisms, and they seem to be quite different. They each work well enough, in our different circumstances. That's perhaps not what you may want to hear, though.

[Braveheart]

Sigh...I fear I'm just saying what no one wants to hear, because the truth hurts like hell.  I'm probably one of the few angry people on the forum, it just appears that way because I deal with the MLC issue based on the evidence I've seen here and on other forums.

You are of course quite right that this is your truth, and that you do have every right to be angry, in your situation. It doesn't happen to be everyone's truth. I don't think anyone can prescribe to me that I should also feel angry. That doesn't mean I'm not a realist. It just means that anger doesn't help me.

I hope you don't think this is piling on. We each have our coping mechanisms, and they seem to be quite different. They each work well enough, in our different circumstances. That's perhaps not what you may want to hear, though.

I don't know how many times I have to say this, I am not angry, I'm well passed all of that. My rollercoaster ride has rolled to a stop

[calamity]

Braveheart,

How long ago was BD for you?  I couldn't find a story thread.

[Braveheart]

Braveheart,

How long ago was BD for you?  I couldn't find a story thread.

BD will two years next month, but looking back now with clear vision her behavoir began to change late in 2010... about the same time peri menopause symptoms began to appear. I never did a full thread, thread, but the basic outline is we were together for 24 years, married for 22, in short the couple everyone wnted to be. We never had any major disagreements about anything, our sex life was good, there was no infidelity, booze or drug problems. Money was tight, but our mortgage was paid off , the car was paid off and things were looking up. At Bd the kids were 13 and 19.

 In very early spring of 2011 she began to start to act colder towards me and the kids, I asked about it and was blown off with, "I'm tired", "it's hormones" , but it got to the point my guts said " Somethings not right here" , so I sent the kids away overnight and called her on it. When I told her I knew somethingw as up and there going to be no more excuses, it was like a mask fell off her face, she looked at me like I was garbage with these dead shark eyes. She told me she "had not been happy in a while, I just want out". She was not interested in any sort of MC, but could give no reason for wanting to leave other than " It's a lot of little things".

She left three days later with her computer and basically the clothes on her back, I found out four months later she'd been having an affair with an OM she met playing World of Warcraft . It was my daughter who stumbled upon the proof and had the job of telling me.  The kids and all responsiblities of informing my inlaws, family and friends were were left up to me. I felt totally gutted and borderline suicidal, but pulled myself out of it. She's since moved in with the OM a hundred miles away, but even when she was still in town she only saw the kids once a week for about an hour, either taking them out to dinner or lunch. I have no contact with her at all other than than emails about picking up or dropping off the kids. In short, she's the ultimate vanisher, the kids volunteer she never mentions me at all , it's like I never existed and the 24 years we were together never happened.

[Slow Fade]

She told me she "had not been happy in a while, I just want out". She was not interested in any sort of MC, but could give no reason for wanting to leave other than " It's a lot of little things".

I heard the same thing from my H last year at BD.