[Stillpraying]

Last night I listened to a podcast about Expectations in marriage. I'll place a link at the end of this post.

I'm not married any more but I still want to learn about having a healthy marriage to grow and learn for myself.

It struck me that even when we are away from our spouses, many of the principles still apply, especially if we are still in contact with them.

I am one of the many on this forum who get emotional and upset when H does or doesn't do something that I expect to be different.  Often we don't make our expectations clear. 

For me, having a parenting plan prepared with the assistance of a mediator was helpful in that I could refer to the plan and what we had agreed and that it was my expectation we abide by it.   Now H hasn't always wanted to follow the plan and that has got me upset.  I am prepared to be flexible as I realise it is his expectation of me.  However, in response to him my expectation is that he communicates his change of plan to me with enough time to accommodate it.  Slowly over time we are getting better.

Another thing this podcast talked about was the biblical principle of 'Taking the log out of your own eye before trying to remove the splinter out of another'.

I always had a hard time understanding this as I thought it just meant don't judge or condemn another person for their wrong because you have done wrong things also.  I then felt 'stuck' like I couldn't confront H about anything because I am not perfect either.  Which then leaves us both staying silent about wrong doing and hiding it.

Now I have a different perspective in that it is asking us to look at ourselves first by examining our emotions which have been stirred up by another's actions. 

So when my H does or doesn't do something with the kids, I need to examine my anger.  Is it really about H or is it about me?  For example:

• If he doesn't do something with them, am I being controlling and therefore need to leave it alone and let him do things his way when he's with them?
• If he is not feeding them (he does BTW) and they come home hungry, am I concerned for their welfare and something must be said to H to protect the children?

So I guess in a nutshell, it's about examining our feelings and motives first before we react.  Once we have and we feel we need to talk to them about the issue we have a lot more thought behind what we are saying.  They may still not be willing to hear but I think at that point we approach it from a place of strength and can handle the defensiveness etc much better.

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/focus-on-the-family/listen/managing-expectations-in-marriage-343761.html
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[Duthla]

Really good points SP.
I think what you are encouraging is being mindful and self aware. I know that I must force myself to "shut it" when I feel my emotions insisting they take the first go at an issue. Rather than sitting and thinking and over analyzing this sitch, I actually need to put it down and walk away from it for a while. Then when emotions are calmer, return to the issue and have another look.
The book Emotional Intelligence and The Journey from Abandonment to Healing both give great reasons as to why this kind of emotional reactions happen.
Great discussion to start up!

[Faithfully Yours]

Still Praying:

Thank you for starting this discussion and posting the podcast. I will listen to it tomorrow. I just want to thank you for your point of view. Especially since I am struggling with my emotions of late. I need to do a better job of thinking and calming my emotional responses down before talking about anything with H. Thanks again for sharing.

[Stillpraying]

I must check those books out also Duthla.   I'm sure there are more that would be helpful.

just think for me and exH that during and after our marriage the point for both of us is to:

1/.  clearly communicate our expectations (not easy during those times when he doesn't want to talk about anything )

2/. check our own emotional reaction by examining ourselves as to why it bothers us.  Sometimes that's our own issue to deal with and has nothing to do with the other person.  Other times it means it is something they need to own such as deceit or having an OW.

Faithfully yours, I don't think there's too may of us who don't struggle with the emotions, especially at the beginning.  It's a huge thing to deal with and it's not like we've had practice.  I'm only just starting to 'see' more clearly now after the little glimpses on the way.  This forum has certainly helped me to keep them in check though!   Thanks everyone here

The thing I liked about the podcast is that it was so real.  No 'saintly' couple telling us how to be married.  this couple had an argument on their honeymoon.  Who would have though I would go 'yay' when hearing that.  But that was one of the reasons H had for leaving me.  He said he wanted to leave on our honeymoon.  I remembered we had an argument and told him that and that I was also very upset.  He looked so surprised that I would even be upset.  So this couple have moved on from that and are now helping other married couples.  So an argument is NOT an excuse to end your marriage and have an affair.  Things can get better.

[Albatross]

What it Means to Expect

Expectation is a “rigid clinging to unreal belief.” Expectation is demanding exactly what we want to happen regardless of what is actually happening. Expectation is typically fixed and frozen. It is inflexible and rigid. It is unable to give or to bend or to change. Sadly, expectations are limited to our previous experiences. We are unable to expect something that we haven’t seen before. We cannot expect something better than what we know. The worst part of expectations is what happens when we hold onto them. They infect and overwhelm us, like a virus. They consume us like the plague. We are unable to give them up. We are unable to let go. Expectation influences our behavior and attitudes. It affects how we see the world. And then how we respond to it.



What it Means to Hope

Hope on the other hand is much different. While expectation is the assumption that something is actually going to happen, false or not, hope is the wish for something to happen. Hope is flexible. It is alive. It responds to all situations instead of battling against the ones that appear to be opposite. Hope admits reality, always acknowledging what is, but never resigning itself to what is. Hope allows other to grow. It desires good for another, but gives them room to change over time. Hope is not limited by previous experience. We can hope for more than what we know. We can hope for something better. Our imaginations and dreams influence our hopes. Since hope admits uncertainty, it does not die when it goes unmet. A hope deferred does not kill the soul. We may need to adjust our hopes, but we can always keep hoping. Hope helps us to keep moving forward. Hope fills us with life.



Unmet Expectations

What happens when our expectations go unmet? Expectation is so rigid, we always respond negatively. We become angry. And then we make an attempt to control. We try to force our expectations. We manipulate. We bribe. We shame. Expectation does not let us accept what we do not want. If we hold to a false expectation, a belief that others will do and should be different than they are, it will poison our relationships. It will negatively influence how we see people and how we treat them. We will try to change them. When someone does not live up to our hopes, we can keep hoping for them because hope is flexible. We may adjust our hopes based on what we learned. We may even let go of our hopes realizing they were too unrealistic. But we can always have hope for them. As May put it,

“There is no such thing as a false hope.”

Love is hope.

Are you filled with hope or expectation?

[PatienceGalore]

Albatross, good question. I have hope always, but hope for me is based somewhat on expectations. Without some form of expectation about myself or my life, how do I know where to direct hope to?
So is it that we all have levels of expectations under pining all we do? And hope that our expectations come true?
I hope my husband comes home, and I have expectations that the return will be a challenge! Based on his state of mind and the current situation. Let's hope that these expectations are in fact not realised and his return will be smooth!

[Albatross]

Expectations are those things that we anticipate will happen.  Unhealthy expectations happen when we anticipate results that are outside of our control and influence.

Hopes are attached to possibilities in life.  They are our dreams. Healthy hopes are those hopes which are rooted in arenas of life which we have the power, either directly or indirectly, to influence.

[Sunny]

Wonderful topic Albatross! For a long time, I felt it was impossible to hold hope, while not having expectations! I know now the difference and I think you've got it spot on.

 I think you made a very important point about expectations. In that it is unhealthy and unrealistic to have expectations about another person. We can only be in control of ourselves and expectations of ourselves, when achievable and realistic, are healthy. It took me a long long time to finally understand this concept and I think you have outlined it perfectly Albatross! Well done!

Valuable reading!

[Albatross]

Expectation
When One expect something to happen and it doesn’t happen, One feel bad because there is a sense of self righteousness which is directly connected with anger as result. One think that One can control the outcome of the situation.

Hope
Hope on the other hand, One try his best for a desired outcome, and wish that it becomes true regardless. Hope has less self righteousness or ego.

With hope, the bell doesn’t ring until it rings. With expectation, the bell has already rung.

[Neo]

It's interesting to look at expectation and hope from the perspective of the MLCer and the LBS.

One of the reasons that the MLCer is going through the process they are going through is because of unmet, unrealistic expectations that they have set. As your definition states, "rigid clinging to unreal belief", this is what has been created in an illusionary world of the MLCer. They have obviously set these unrealistic expectations many years ago in their lives and as time has passed, they find that other people, relationships, and finally themselves, can't meet those expectations, which is why they have a negative outlook on the world, are depressed and constantly blame others for their issues. After all of those years of unmet expectations, they have a meltdown, which is the MLC, because they finally have an epiphany, that life is passing them by and they are running out of time, yet, their life is meaningless because their expectations have never been met by ANYONE.

I look at hope from the perspective of the LBSer, because given the state of mind the MLCer is in, they have no hope. Hope is the domain that most LBSer's live in, not just for themselves, but for their MLCer as well. They pin their hopes on the MLCer coming out of the process, they pin their hopes on the relationship with the MLCer being resurrected and rebuilt to a better state that before, they pin their hopes on themselves, that they have the strength to make it through this devastating process that they had no part in.

So, as you can see, two different perspectives from the proverbial same coin. It is all in how you look at the situation you are in. The MLCer sees nothing but doom and gloom and the LBSer is trying to stay positive in order to see what could be. They both are on separate paths and at some point, the MLCer is the one who either "sees" the light and pulls the train back onto the tracks, that the LBSer is on or they don't and continue to spiral further down the mountain. It really boils down to choice.