[Thundarr]

Very interesting article that resonates with me and will with most here I would say (credit to Rover77).  I find it very interesting that men really ARE as likely to forgive an affair as women are, but am also a bit down about the assertion that affairs need to be brought into the open to be dealt with and recovered from.  It makes me wonder if I should have handled things differently with respect to XW and suspected OM lawyer boy......

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

[OldPilot]

Well Frank Pittman is a big believer in EXPOSURE.

That does not mean that just because you expose the affair that it will go away.

I wish I knew but like everything else it is a crap shoot.
Some people swear by it and others like MWD think it is a mistake.

[Dontgiveup]

MLC is a bigger issue than an affair itself.....which is part of the reason I've chosen to deal with my situation the way I have.

Authors like Pittman and MWD are excellent sources in their areas.  MLC is a different animal.

[Howmanytimes]

I think my husband is definitely MLC but I also think that his is a romantic affair.

Unfortunately he is either in love with OW or he thinks he is.

But interesting article how it says romantic affairs can do thr most damage and how men will give up everything for them.  Please God my H doesn't.

I want him to come home and get out of her clutches.

[Ready2Transform]

Well Frank Pittman is a big believer in EXPOSURE.

That does not mean that just because you expose the affair that it will go away.

Exact opposite with MLC (I know RCR has that in one of the articles.  It bonds them. "Us against the world!".  They go together like Bonnie and Clyde.  Death and Dismemberment.   Thanks to MammaBear for getting that phrase stuck in my head from her thread.

Having said that, I'm glad I outed Hoss and the OW, because it did have an impact (not on him coming home, but on me not being taken advantage of).  You're in a place, T, where I don't think outing it at this point, IMO, would do anything other than put a wedge between you two.  It will play out in a way your xW is not planning on, guaranteed.  She won't need any salt from you in the wound.

I think my husband is definitely MLC but I also think that his is a romantic affair.

MLC affairs become far more emotionally bonded, for the most part, RCR talks about this, too.  Howmanytimes, I'm not going to tell you to prepare for the worst, but with these kinds of women, though they are not the problem, they can certainly blindside us with how much of our lives they can take.  Protect yourself.  {{{hugs}}}

[Braveheart]

I don't think it matters what you do, blow it up or not. But if you do blow it up, it is out in the open, like ripping off a bandaid. It hurts like hell for a while, but not near as long as dragging it out and trying to hide it from everyone in the family.

[TrustingMyHP]

I love this article.  I bet I've read it 10 times.  It's one of the most succinct descriptions of what an affair is and how it happens that's out there.  I also like Pittman's book, Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy.

My STBX is definitely an Emotionally Retarded Man in a Romantic Affair.  And he's in MLC to boot.  Bad combination!

My STBX gave up just about everything to be with OW:  his marriage, his family, his savings, his pension, his possessions, his daughter's respect, his home.  Everything.  And he's still maintaining, 30 months later, that it was the right thing for him to do.  He has told me more than once in the last 10 months that he wishes he hadn't had the affair, but that he's certain he "did the will of the gods." 

I still have periods where I doubt whether or not he's a true MLCer or just a person who was in an unhappy (from his point of view) marriage.  Even after all this time I still wonder.  I'm going through the divorce process right now (my STBX filed) and he insists he'll marry OW as soon as it's final, which should be in about 60 days.   

In Pittman's book he writes about the bad "odds of survival" of marriages that start off as affairs.  My STBX and OW were both married when their affair began over 4 years ago which, according to Pittman, ups the odds the marriage won't last.   We'll see.  I suspect my STBX's second marriage will last because he paid such a high price to achieve it.  Also, because of his (62) and OW's (56) ages, I'd think they'd tend to stay together.  Too difficult to go through the financial and emotional trauma of another divorce when you're "older." 

Also, my STBX seems to be happy.  He has regrets but he's very committed to OW and still speaks of her as though she's indispensible to his happiness.  It will be interesting to see where things are 5 years from now. 

BTW, Frank Pittman passed away last November.  He was 77.

TMHP

[Howmanytimes]

Hi Ready2Transform

I am unable yet to face thr idea of him not returning.  It's all too raw at the moment

He left me one week ago today after being together 35 years and M 32.

When I found out initially about his 6 year affair with OW, he told me he could live without her but he couldn't live without me.  He also said that towards the end of the affair that he was wanting out but was afraid she would tell me.  Now he lies.  So that might be true or not.

Last week Tuesday he told me that he was really unhappy and he should be feeling happy but was miserable like he was being pulled in two.  He said he was beginning to regret leaving me.  I said good come home.  I love you and you are welcome home any time.  He said he probably would be coming home a couple of times to me last week.  Now he visits me today to see his cat and mow our lawn and I think because he is missing me and says he hasn't made up his mind.

Do you know what I think?  She's being on her bestest behaviour.  Giving him loads of sex and he is blinded by her.  Although I do accept that he has feelings for her and yet when he finished with her before he didn't seem overly upset by it.  I think he is one very confused man.

He even said that he wished she would prove difficult to live with.

He also told me today that next week he has a appointment with a Lawyer.  I just hope this Lawyer tells him that not only will he loose a minimum of half the house ( my Lawyer says more like 75%) but also have to pay me spousal maintenance and half his pension pot.

My H at 53 has about 13 years left of working life.  When he retires if we divorce he will have a substantially reduced pension and he talks about getting a mortgage so he doesn't have to live in her tiny 1 bed apartment in a horrible part of London.  His crackers.

But I don't know if he may come home with his tail between his legs in the next few weeks.  Elieve me it is possible or he is prepared to work hard, which he does anyway to be fair, and be considerably poorer.

These MLC men are nuts

[eloise61213]

I am so sad to read about the romantic affair. Like you, I think my husband in on that journey :-(
I cried and cried when I read this thread. It is like there is not hope.
Hy H is very in love with OW, according to him. So much so that he'd rather stay with her than me or his kids. D17 is on good terms with him eventhough she is angry at him and disapprove of the woman he is with.

He hasn't filed for a divorce and neither have I.  I am a nervous nelly everyday.

What are the chances of him waking up?

At least me misses you Howmanytimes. Mine just ignores me, completely. I am still so hurt.

[Howmanytimes]

Oh Eloise, hugs to you and I mean it. 

I think going through what we are makes us feel so much for others in our predicament.

How long has his affair been going on?  When did he leave?

It's like a living nightmare.  All I have eaten today is some weetabix and milk (English breakfast cereal).  I had to force them down me.  I have been drinking lots of water though.

I feel like I'm going insane because it's like one minute he is saying his made a mistake and will come home and then he hasn't made up his mind whether or not he will come home and is seeing a Lawyer.

What frightens me though is that last week I got drunk on Thursday and I left about 30 really threatening voicemails.  Like I would kill him or hunt her down and kill her.  I feel guilty if I kill a fly and that is no exaggeration.  But what if he uses the to get a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.  I am hoping to make him wait 5 years which you can in the UK if you do not consent to the divorce but sometimes people can get a divorce on their spouse unreasonable behaviour and I'm terrified he asnt deleted them and will use them to do just that.

I'm sti king to water from now on as I can't trust myself to start drinking.