[Snowdrop]

Thank you all.  Very interesting. 

Again, wow, these poor, poor people. How very sad.

It makes sense what you say.  I received an email from H once, in which he referred to our home address as a different number, only one digit out, but he lived here for almost 12 years before he left, and a few months later, didn't remember the house number?  He also wrote in a way that I thought someone else had written it for him.  He announced when he was here on a visit that in fact he had been away working, and had that draft for close to a month, adding to it.  It was a paragraph in total which made next to no sense, and it took him a month.  At first I thought it was written by OW or when he was drunk, but it was sent around 9am.  All so odd.

There definitely is something extremely wrong in their way of thinking.  It is as if their brain has lost the capacity to even acknowledge un acceptable behaviour, consequences, or cause and effect.  To hear my H say the things he does, and with no filter whatsoever, and for him to think there is NOTHING wrong with any of it, just blows my mind.  It is so unreal, I think I stay stunned for a day or so afterwards. 

I truly feel that the worse my H is, and has become, the easier it makes it to deal with as it is so ugly.  I was told before that he seems to be ruining his life and on a downward spiral, so I need to make sure my children and I don't go with him.  Great words of advice, and which I think of from time to time.

Thank you all so much for answering my question.  I find this board to be a great place, full of good, kind people, and fantastic information.  As I'm new, I sit and read an read the posts, and then some.  I didn't even know this existed and only had vague recollections of comics saying about MLC in their comedy routines, and not once ever did I know this was for real.  What a wake up call that was.

Thanks again.  Happy weekend.

[Disneyme]

CB

I to like to see him acting like MLC. I feel bad that I actually feel better knowing he is unhappy. When he turns monster then I know it's the MLC. When he is calm and happy, laughing with friends, all clean cut shaved, in new pressed clothes my anger just fumes. If he's happy I think he is right. I don't want to see him rewarded or see God's favor or I think maybe I'm the evil one, he was right to get the hell out of here. Look how happy he is.
When I see him fat and hasn't shaved or gotten a hair cut I think wow that's the depressed H I know. Then I wonder is OW so deprarate or is it true love that it doesn't bother her. It bothered me. I would yell at him for wearing a shirt with holes or stupid writing on it to church, or tell him he needs to shave every day. Guess he is still lazy. Does she not see that? I did but was 19 and thought he just needed to grow up. At 41 he's set in his ways.

[Disneyme]

New question:

If they left us because of lack of attention that they find somewhere else, why do we detach instead of being the loving flirting wife?

Answered on your thread.  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3753.25#lastPost

[trusting]

If they left us because of lack of attention that they find somewhere else, why do we detach instead of being the loving flirting wife?

Because while they are in crisis they don't want the attention of their spouses (exception may be clinging boomerangs).  Flirting and acting like a wife is pressure on them for a relationship they do not think they want and it will only push them further away.

In my situation, and I know in many others I am familiar with as well, my husband did NOT lack attention from me.  I really think I was a good, though of course not perfect, wife and our marriage wasn't lacking.  MLC is not a marriage problem, it is a problem deep within them.  They are trying to fill a void and part of that is seeking another relationship as they believe that is what will help. 

[Broken Open]

New Question

Unfortunately I work with my MLCer. We are in construction and I sit on a very large project. We have no contact at all personally.  BD was 4/12 and in the beginning he wanted to be friends.....he just didn't love me anymore. I know OW was i the picture prior to this as I saw her on his FB friends. However he did not announce he had a GF until 8/12.

My question is this.  When I have sent him emails in he past trying to be supportive of his "journey" or supporting him at work he never responds.  I know he reads them because he would implement them the next day at work. BTW, I don't do this at all anymore. Also, he would do everything in his power to avoid coming to my job. The few times he has come out he has gone out of his way to say hi and be friendly.

Can someone help me understand this?  Is he doing this because he hates me?  Does he feel if he does he is betraying OW?

[trusting]

Does he feel if he does he is betraying OW?

That could be part of it, twisted as it is.  Guilt also probably plays a large role.

[Ready2Transform]

As far as not responding or avoiding contact, he probably felt pressure.  It's a form of pursuit (even when we are saying we understand or confirming that we'll let them be), so they distance.  We make them uncomfortable, and they don't want to discuss their crisis with us, especially in the early stages. 

Being friendly at work - you're in public, he is probably more comfortable, no pressure, so no monster.  That's my take.

[Dontgiveup]

My question is this.  When I have sent him emails in he past trying to be supportive of his "journey" or supporting him at work he never responds.  I know he reads them because he would implement them the next day at work. BTW, I don't do this at all anymore. Also, he would do everything in his power to avoid coming to my job. The few times he has come out he has gone out of his way to say hi and be friendly.

Can someone help me understand this?  Is he doing this because he hates me?  Does he feel if he does he is betraying OW?

He is doing it because MLCers avoid.  It is not at all uncommon for MLCers to be unresponsive or show Monster when the LBS pursues in any way.

Here is some insight from one of RCR's blogs.  I found this very helpful.  In my experience of interacting with other LBS', one of the most common LBS fears is the MLCer will somehow forget about the LBS or not contact them.  That could happen with a Vanisher, but a true Vanisher is rare....very rare.

Let your MLCer initiate and control contact. He may want to meet with you weekly at home, his place or somewhere neutral. Some may want more. He may call you daily or request that you call him. He may give you permission to call as you need—don’t do it.

[Broken Open]

Thanks R2T. He will be married to her soon.  Ugh!  I know you have had some personal experience with this. I know you don't know for sure but from your vantage point, did he just cut me out of his life and move on as my therapist says?  Is he just done and I'm a nuisance to him? Does he even think of me?

[Ready2Transform]

Thanks R2T. He will be married to her soon.  Ugh!  I know you have had some personal experience with this. I know you don't know for sure but from your vantage point, did he just cut me out of his life and move on as my therapist says?  Is he just done and I'm a nuisance to him? Does he even think of me?

Mine hasn't married the OW (she is still married herself), but he did move away to live with her, and we are "almost divorced" (no settlement) - but mentioned to me within just a few weeks of being there that he may end up coming back to our city, that it "felt weird".  My answer to you is yes and no.  Physically, yes, he did cut you out and go live a new life - that's what the crisis does.  I can see where your therapist would say that, but it's not the whole story, knowing what we know about MLC.  He probably feels he is done, and you are a reminder of his guilt, shame, and past life - for now.  That's where time is your friend.  I believe we are always in their minds (read stayed's husband's letter http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3650.10) - but it may not always be in the way we used to be, at least for now.  There is value in accepting this and reacting accordingly, and not having the expectation for them to suddenly be their old selves.  Where there is value in standing is in the fact that we know MLCers will go through changes throughout this.  But until they are to a certain place toward the end, we really don't know the ultimate outcome - though some of their actions in between will be somewhat predictable. 

DGU has experience with his spouse marrying the alienator, and I'm sure more awesome references.   You're at the hardest place for an LBS right now, within that first year and a half or so it is so hard not to be more concerned with what's going on in their heads than in our own.  As you get the power under your wings more will become obvious to you about how his behavior is very crisis-confirming, and you'll start to trust that process more.  And as that happens, you tend to become more self-focused, and it helps move you to a point of healthy detachment.