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Author Topic: Discussion Ask a Mentor 6

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Discussion Re: Ask a Mentor 6
#150: October 04, 2013, 06:23:49 AM
Hello I could really do with some insight on my thread today. Cant post link, sorry as on my mobile. Thank u xx
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BD oct 1st 2012. 2 teens- 2 Dogs. Together 16 years, not married. No OW in sight. Foo issues a go-go.
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Re: Ask a Mentor 6
#151: October 04, 2013, 11:46:29 AM
Can an alienator be anyone? If so, then what is the definition of an alienator?

The reason I ask this is, W seems to be connected at the hip to a girlfriend that she went to high school with and maybe grade school too, I'm not sure. Shortly after BD, W refered to her like this "all I have is a girlfriend that wants to go get drunk." They reconnected about 1.5 years ago and started hanging out once and awhile. Her friend is married and has had some marital problems, nothing major, as far as I know but maybe she's in MLC too. A few friends have commented that if W is "with anyone" it's this friend, because of the amount of time they spend together and stuff posted on FB. Yes, I have considered that they are having a sexual relationship, I don't think so, but.... For the sake of argument/comment, if there is no sexual relationship between them is this/can this person be considered, an alienator?




http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4092.10
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Me:43   W:40                                                     D: 19      S: 8 (developmental issues)
S: 18 (mine from breakup with W pre marriage)
Married: 15, together 23
BD: Jan. 2013   W moved out: Feb 2013
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Re: Ask a Mentor 6
#152: October 04, 2013, 12:42:53 PM
Hello Shaggy,
there are a few LBS's here who's MLCer's haven't been unfaithful in a sexual sense. A lot of MLCer's are unfaithful and have affair etc. There are some whose work is their 'affair partner' and also some whose sport/hobby is the 'affair partner' - I suppose anything which keeps the MLCer from focussing on the marriage etc could be viewed as such.

We see a few MLCer's who reconnect with HS sweethearts etc or form strong bonds with buddies from that time or maybe even try and reconnect with people from that time. My exH reconnected with his girlfriend from when he was 15 back in November 2008 - she was unmarried and without children - he married her 6 weeks after the divorce came through. I believe that FOO issues play a big role in MLC (combined with depression and hormone changes etc) and I believe they strive to 're-do' their lives but 'correctly' this time (which is a fools errand but from their depressed point of view they believe it'll all work out this time around).
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Re: Ask a Mentor 6
#153: October 04, 2013, 06:05:34 PM
Hi Shaggy , ... our stories are very similar , as I read your thread . And I too often asked that question , can an alienator be anyone? And I've noticed some things about my W that make me think that the right answer is "YES".

Just like your W , my W has a friend ( a girl , who is seperated from W brother after he admitted to having an affair ) and they are inseperable. They text everyday from morning to night and see each other whenever possible. Even though my W has moved out almost 2 months ago , I can still tell that she occupies herself with work , shopping ( I don't know how as she doesn't make much $ ) and our kids on days that she has them. I think of all those things as "alienator" in some way . She pretty much avoids being alone at the apartment , because , as we all know , when all is still and quiet , thats when the thoughts start creeping in . And she looks very depressed alot .
One night she texted me , asking what I was doing , I told her that I was watching a movie. She replied that she was also watching a movie with her "boyfriend" actor so and so . I later remembered she had started going to movies after BD and thinking back , alot of the movies she went to see , had that actor in it , got me thinking he was the "fantasy alienator". My W fits the "wallower" category, for now anyways and  it's almost like she tried to be "High energy" at first after BD , but it's like it didn't work .

Anyways I didn't mean to highjack , or make this about myself , just though it would help you a little bit , to hear that yes , other things can be an alienator .   

Stay Strong !!!!
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Re: Ask a Mentor 6
#154: October 06, 2013, 01:58:37 PM
My h started with friends to drink every night with as an alienator now he has ow because all those friends got girlfriends or went back to wives.

I need some advice on mine
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3970.0
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Re: Ask a Mentor 6
#155: October 06, 2013, 04:21:14 PM
she  has been coming to the house and taking things when I'm not here. nothing big. just wondering, do I say something or let it slide?
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Thanks to all who comment!

Me:43   W:40                                                     D: 19      S: 8 (developmental issues)
S: 18 (mine from breakup with W pre marriage)
Married: 15, together 23
BD: Jan. 2013   W moved out: Feb 2013
D: filed 11/26/13
D: final 7/30/14
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Re: Ask a Mentor 6
#156: October 07, 2013, 05:50:37 AM
Shaggy,

My h. did this for over a year. He still does it sometimes. In the beginning, I would sometimes say something to the kids (my kids are older teenagers), but it did not make any difference, after a while, I gave up saying anything. I reckon that what he takes is what he thinks is his and/or it will remind him of us or the house. It's only 'stuff' any way :) I'd let it slide...
He even took my crash helmet once (it has come back now ;)) I wonder how OW felt about using my crash helmet ???
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11
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Re: Ask a Mentor 6
#157: October 09, 2013, 12:06:01 PM
Quote from: Shaggy on October 04, 2013, 11:46:29 AM
Can an alienator be anyone? If so, then what is the definition of an alienator?

The reason I ask this is, W seems to be connected at the hip to a girlfriend that she went to high school with and maybe grade school too, I'm not sure. Shortly after BD, W refered to her like this "all I have is a girlfriend that wants to go get drunk." They reconnected about 1.5 years ago and started hanging out once and awhile. Her friend is married and has had some marital problems, nothing major, as far as I know but maybe she's in MLC too. A few friends have commented that if W is "with anyone" it's this friend, because of the amount of time they spend together and stuff posted on FB. Yes, I have considered that they are having a sexual relationship, I don't think so, but.... For the sake of argument/comment, if there is no sexual relationship between them is this/can this person be considered, an alienator?




http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4092.10

Birds of a feather flock together. People gather like minded people around themselves. A friend who is concerned about her husband and family is not as much fun as a woman who is thinking like a single girl who talks about men sexually and has free time to shop and go out.
My W has her married christian friends who supported her but probably encourage her to restore her family but she has the old school friend who is also single and encourages her to find herself and cut loose of the old ball and chain.
Perfectly normal in the replay stage.

cheers
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Re: Ask a Mentor 6
#158: October 10, 2013, 04:43:53 AM
My h has said he wants to not keep his young ow a secret anymore. His family lives out of state and they just found about her. His mom is not happy and wants to visit. Should I tell him his secret is out? That his family knows
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Re: Ask a Mentor 6
#159: October 10, 2013, 05:30:22 AM
No.
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Our spouse and children are our mirror.
This is good and i accept it as God's plan for me to grow and become more like Christ.
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