[BennHurr]

*NEW QUESTION*

Am I paving the way or allowing cake eating

I do not initiate contact with my H.  These past two weeks my H has been either turning up at my house or telephoning me to talk.  He talks about sad he is and has started to tell me lots of FOO issues that I was unaware of.  He says that he will only let me help him and that he needs me to be his FRIEND.  When I questioned is that all he needs me for as a friend rather than a wife he said ' Well it might lead to more later on'.  I told him I don't want to be fed crumbs.  He cries a lot in my presence and says his parents were always physically fighting when he was little and that when he was a little boy he always had to ring the Police to come to stop his parents fighting.  Then he says he is scared of me.  Now we have not had a violent relationship AT ALL.

My question is to do I allow him to come to me and cry and listen to him and offer sympathy?

Am I paving the way or am I allowing cake eating by letting him come to me when he is low and then retreating to his 'bolthole'?

BTW he doesn't have OW so not sure it is cake eating?

Thanks for reading.

check out familytreecounselling.com your husband is crying out for help. They really understand the power of your childhood and the purpose of marriage.

:-)

[Breakingthecycle]

I'm fairly new around here and could do with a bit of advise

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4024.msg249427#msg249427

I think I've linked that correctly!

[Shadow]

I know there are going to be days that are hard but this day has hit me like a ton of bricks for some reason. Sadly days like these are the ones where I turn to alcohol to relieve the anxiety. I have never been a big drinker but right now it eases the feeling of a time bomb going off in my heart, head and body.
  I am beginning to believe it would have been easier for my H to leave and stay gone until he figured his self out than to stay home while he does it. I love him with all my heart and I am Standing best as I can and detaching. Trying not to show him my feelings is nearly impossible while he is here. I know one of the main reasons he is here still is because of finances. I have been laid off since December 2013 and feel guilty that I cannot contribute more.  I'm not defending him in anyway by saying this, but he has never put me down or been rude that I am not working. He has actually been encouraging when I have an interview. But the fact remains he is holding the financial burden for our family right now.
  What the hell am I even doing here........  Why am I even bothering, when then outcome will probably be negative. 30 years I have put into this marriage for what?? To be left like a piece of trash out on the curbside, I am beginning to feel like I'd rather have him mourn me than look at me like I am nothing more than a thorn in his side..... Can anyone please help me......... I'm lost and I am afraid of where my mind is taking me.

[Anjae]

Go see the answers on your thread, Lighthouse. 

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3948.50

[BennHurr]

Got to let her know I wasn't ok with any of this, that I do not want a divorce, he has hurt the kids and did walk out on us. Told her this is adultery. Now she can have that all in her head. She wants to continue it knowing all this, than that is on her.

If you were really mean you could say to OW "you know he still loves me, and every time he contacts me with regards to the kids or whatever, you will wonder what we are saying, are his feelings coming back, did we kiss, what did he feel?" these are very real feelings that OW & OM feel. They are insecure and subject to this.

but of course i am not recommending anything like that 

cheers ben

[BennHurr]

However H is much more distant with me now and has stopped being quite as "friendly or helpful" and is out most nights at OWs although doesn't stay there overnight - Is this a sign that it is getting worse and that he may leave?
 

My H went through this.  He was completely disconnected from me and our S, and in full addiction mode with OW.  He could not WAIT to get away from me when we HAD to interact about our S.  This lasted about a year, then he realized I was not the enemy and started the acts of kindness again. 

If your H is sticking around because he made these statements like "you can't make me leave" then he might dig his heels in and stay, just for the sake of staying - even though it's not what he wants.  Or, he could get pressure from OW to get out of his marital home and he will leave.

have some fun with your H and make the OW jealous. "why are you still flirting with your wife? I thought you loved me?" Happiness is the best revenge ;-)

cheers ben

[CallanG]

Hi , I need a bit of help today . My H seems to have returned to the Anger stage , we had a touch and go a month or so ago. Then he bounced back to OW. He is saying the same comments that he used back at BD, "he has lived his life to please others" , "our marriage may have looked happy to others but it was not" . The anger is worse this time and he seems angry with his parents. His Mother called him on his general behaviour since this whole thing began and he reacts like a stroppu teenager, he justifies his behaviour to her by saying that there are two side to every story .

Is it normal for him to return to Anger like this but be worse ?

Callan
xx

[Disneyme]

I say yes. My h has gone from bad to good then worse then good again. I think it's like pms. Depends on the day and the guilt.

This came on tv today while I was home for a short time. Freaks me out since h is always saying he is fighting for his kids yet never explains what that means.

http://www.hlntv.com/slideshow/2013/09/30/when-child-custody-turns-deadly

[BennHurr]

This is good Callan. perfectly normal in the MLC world. Many returning spouses explain that they went thru all those emotions. Just because they are feeling it doesnt mean its true.

if i believed everything my W said i would believe one day she was coming back the next day leaving, next day coming back next day leaving. (she has left by the way)

Focus on yourself and who you can become by using this pain to endure and persevere.

This is good and easy ;-)

cheers ben

[Shaggy]

Just looking for some feedback on a post that i made today.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4092.0