[Lovebystanding]

Disappointment in love or marriage  precipitates a neurosis  with symptoms of depression and conflict.
Explained below.....


Depression.
A psychological state characterized by lack of energy.

Energy not available to consciousness does not simply vanish. It regresses and stirs up

unconscious contents (fantasies, memories, wishes, etc.) that for the sake of psychological

health need to be brought to light and examined.



Jung's view was that an outbreak of neurosis is purposeful, an opportunity to become

conscious of who we are as opposed to who we think we are. By working through the

symptoms that invariably accompany neurosis - anxiety, fear, depression, guilt and particularly

conflict-we become aware of our limitations and discover our true strengths.



Neurosis is really an attempt at self-cure.

It is an attempt of the self-regulating psychic system to restore the balance, in no way different

from the function of dreams-only rather more forceful and drastic.

Neuroses, like all illnesses, are symptoms of maladjustment. Be-cause of weakness or defect,

 wrong education, bad experiences, an unsuitable attitude, etc.-one shrinks from the difficulties

which life brings and thus finds oneself back in the world of the infant.



The unconscious compensates this regression .In this way a change of attitude is brought

about which bridges the dissociation between man as he is and man as he ought to be.

The best examples of such regressions are found in hysterical cases where a disappointment in

love or marriage has precipitated a neurosis.



The realization of the shadow is inhibited by the persona. To the degree that we identify

with a bright persona, the shadow is correspondingly dark. Thus shadow and persona stand

in a compensatory relationship, and the conflict between them is invariably present in an

outbreak of neurosis. The characteristic depression at such times indicates the need to realize

that one is not all one pretends or wishes to be.



What then determines why one person becomes neurotic while another, in similar circumstances,

does not? Jung's answer is that the individual psyche knows both its limits and its potential.

If the former are being exceeded, or the latter not realized, a breakdown occurs.

The psyche itself acts to correct the situation.



Conflict.
A state of indecision, accompanied by inner tension.

Conflict only becomes neurotic when it interferes with the normal functioning of consciousness.

Jung's basic hypothesis in working with neurotic conflict was that separate personalities in

oneself-complexes-were involved. As long as these are not made conscious they are acted out

externally, through projection. Conflicts with other people are thus essentially externalizations

of an unconscious conflict within oneself.

[Lovebystanding]

How does one spot a midlife crisis vs. narcissist or psychopathology?

Some more info collected on the above topic.



Anyone experiencing a midlife crisis becomes 'narcissistic' and unhealthily so. This does not mean they have a personality disorder. Individuals with BPD need to be understood and treated with compassion.
 But they are in need of psychological help. There is a tendency to be drawn to them;
they give off a lot of energy and can be very charismatic, but there is a price to be paid for being
involved: Perpetual arguments, dramas, makeups and breakups, suicidal gestures and an
almost exquisite sensitivity to rejection whether real or imagined.

Some people work through whatever issues they have that delayed maturation, reduced the 'meaning' of life, inhibited their passion, caused them to question where their lives were headed. Focusing on childhood may resolve issues that are problematic as adults. However, there are distinctly different behaviors in a midlife narcissist than there are with people who 'transition' and work through their crisis. These two signs suggest a narcissistic person may not be able to work through unhealthy narcissism (and may in fact, be NPD):

1-The inability to sustain commitment
2-Extreme reactions to failure, criticism or defeat

During the midlife crisis, people with pathological traits will be excessively aggressive, extraordinarily blaming and critical, mendacious beyond belief, with contempt and disdain for "whoever is the closest at the time." That usually means their partner or spouse.

I think it's really important to pay attention to how far that person will go to HURT their partner and/or family members. The degree of hate is indicative of pathology and should never be minimized as 'normal.'

“People with healthy levels of narcissism are also able to step outside their own perspective long enough to assess how their behavior may be affecting others around them. This ability to avoid becoming stuck in narcissistic mode, and to consider the impact of your actions on the feelings of others, is one of the key distinctions between healthy and extreme levels of narcissism.”

Most people who are hurt by narcissists based their perceptions of unhealthy narcissism on an inadequate knowledge of personality disorders. The pathological Narcissistic Personality Disorder is often mistaken for its look-alike cousin: A Narcissistic Personality


The Discouraged Borderline in many ways can look very much like an individual with Dependent Personality Disorder, or what is commonly known in today's jargon as codependent. They tend to be clingy, go along with the crowd, and walk around feeling somber and somewhat dejected. Deep inside however, there are often angry and disappointed with the actions of those around them. Scratch the surface, and that anger could explode, but they are much more likely to do harm to themselves by self-mutilating or even suicide.

The Impulsive Borderline seems to be a first cousin to the Histrionic Personality Disorder. These individuals tend to be flirtatious, captivating, elusive and superficial. They are highly energetic and seek out thrill after thrill. They are easily bored and seem to have it never ending appetite for attention and excitement. As their name implies, they will often act without thinking, getting themselves into all sorts of trouble. Such individuals can often be very charismatic and it's easy to get caught in their spell. Beware! You can be the moth drawn to their flame.

The third subtype is what is called the Petulant Borderline. They are described as being "unpredictable, irritable, impatient, and complaining" as well as "defiant, disgruntled, stubborn, pessimistic and resentful". They are torn between relying upon people and at the same time keeping their distance for fear of disappointment.

They vacillate between feelings of unworthiness and anger. This anger can be quite explosive. Better not get in their line of fire.

Finally, there is the Self-Destructive Borderline. This type is marked by his constant sense of
bitterness which they turn inward. They will often engage in self-destructive behaviors whether
it is conscious orunconscious. Their levels of self-hatred can often reach monumental proportions
leading them into all types of self-destructive behaviors, ranging from poor healthcare to reckless
driving to performing humiliating sexual acts.

These people are not your run-of-the-mill  "toxic coworker". Though they might often seem okay
on the surface, these are deeply troubled individuals in need of help.
Even the most experienced of therapists can be challenged by them.

[xyzcf]

Thanks for sharing this.The more I understand the psychology, the better.

[Lovebystanding]

You're welcome xyzcf
Like u and others on the forum ,I am also keen to know more and understand the psychology better......Is it a personality disorder or midlife crisis? Or could it even be both–someone with a personality disorder who is having an MLC?

[Lovebystanding]

Is it common that people in a midlife crisis enter relationships with BPDs?


I think it's probably more that being emotionally vulnerable  makes one susceptible to engaging in
an unhealthy relationship with a pwBPD(OW), who steps in to fill the void and to bandage over the hurt.

Certain aspects or common denominators are present in males who attach to Borderlines.
Generally, these are People Pleaser types, who have rescuing or fixing compulsions, self-esteem difficulties from childhood, intimacy issues, engulfment concerns, poor self-image, dysthymia (chronic/long-standing mild to moderate depression), etc. Foundational problems of this kind leave men vulnerable to being seduced and manipulated by these women. You may be extremely accomplished and successful--but the Borderline will methodically learn what's underneath those props, and use your most intimate secrets and self-doubts against you.

Every man's ego takes a jab when a woman leaves--but a Borderline leaves you feeling guilty, ashamed, castrated, unlovable, emasculated, worthless, etc. You start believing that if she returns, you'll be able to get rid of these horrible sensations, and feel okay again.

You might think of her like a drug you can’t live without, because you've felt alive and buoyant when she was attentive, available and loving, and tortured and empty when she was indifferent, detached or cruel.

There's always a childhood template that sets up our attraction to someone personality disordered. Perhaps your Borderline has traits similar to mother or father, and you're familiar with the relationship dynamics you've struggled with in this attachment (which keeps it exciting, despite all the pain).

You'll keep wanting to blame yourself for this relationship faltering, but this is directly tied to experiences in childhood, which left you with self-esteem wounds. A young child can't make sense of why he isn't getting enough love, affection or support from a parent, and he doesn't even know how to ask for it! He'll try to find reasons for this lack of attention in his head--but the only rationale he can come up with is, it must be his fault; "I must not be good enough, smart enough, cute enough, lovable," etc. You've carried these self-worth injuries into your adult relationships, and now they're alive again.


NOTE:

BPD usually develops during adolescence or early adulthood. 

In addition to sexual trauma being a factor in the development of the disorder, parental neglect and unstable family relationships has been shown to contribute to an individual’s risk for developing this disorder. Other studies suggest BPD may also have a genetic component; it is thought that individuals may inherit his or her temperament along with specific personality traits, particularly impulsiveness and aggression.

[Albatross]

Yep, borderlines are true nexuses. My mother is borderline and I saw BD traits in my wife when she hits MLC.

[Lovebystanding]

Yes Albatross
All MLcers  show traits of BD but OW in my case is definitely Boderline...Affair Down


 

[Lovebystanding]

The MLcer did not choose the journey.  It chose him.  He would avoid it if he could. But something in the MLCer  demands the journey and he is obliged to live it out whether he likes it or not.He is gripped by an inner imperative that must be allowed to run its course.

Psychopathology plays a role for the different outcomes of midlife crisis.
Borderline patients are not as capable as neurotic ones to deal with limitedness or death.The most significant factor of  psychopathology is the extent of pathological narcissism
because narcissists do not age well.

Midlife is not a chronological problem but a psychic response to the poignant and essentially
unconsciuos perception of the aging of our body.
A key shift that happens in midlife is that the person must be able to  enjoy the success of his
children and younger colleagues.Often the person who has pathological narcissism is extremely
envious and he cannot appreciate the success of the younger person.
So such individuals age in a bitter way knowing that they can't recapture their youth.
There is also a sense of dissatisfaction with one's work, that one is going through the
motions without feeling enthusiasm for what one is doing.

Narcissists and Boderline patients have not developed a strong ego ideal but mostly an ideal ego
as the  most common way of feeling and behaving with themselves.
In one case,something put in the future and in the other a feeling that you need something now.
In the first  you have to acknowledge your limits and in the second you are always denying
your limits.The ideal ego denies time and releases in the individual a striving to reïncarnatie
himself seeking the fountain of youth.The striving after an impossible aim can only prepare for a
depressed, embittered, unproductive old age

Just as the ego represents who we believe we are, the shadow represents who and
what we believe we are not.  For most people it is very difficult to experience shadow
characteristics as part of ourselves, so we tend to see the characteristics in others close
to us, particularly our parent or sibling, relative, acquaintance or workmate.
A real giveaway about shadow material is that it nearly always causes irritation when experienced.

Shadow material, like everything else in the unconscious, sooner or later tends to come up
to the surface. If we permit that, we become more three-dimensional people, but if we don't
shadow material will occasionally just take over, and that can lead to embarrassment at least,
 or maybe disaster. A good fictional example of shadow taking over is Robert Louis
Stevenson's story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

25% of our brain is in the frontal lobe, so one quarter of our brains' activities are experienced
as beyond us. We will thus experience many of our brains' actions as if they occurred in the
outside world. This tendency to place internal events outside is called "Projection."

During adolescence we learn to use these areas of brain to differentiate between inner and
outer events, but they can be shown to malfunction in schizophrenia and paranoia, two
diseases characterised by false projections.

The MLCers suffering is the result of the conflict he not yet conscious of.
Conflicts with other people, especially one’s mate, are really externalizations of an unconscious conflict within oneself.· Perhaps the most painful conflicts of all are those involving duty or a  choice between security and freedom.Life naturally involves the collision between conflicting obligations, incompatible desires.   …what do I want?” This question aims to constellate the function of feeling – which evaluates what something is worth to us – since a serious conflict invariably involves a disparity between thinking and feeling.

If feeling is not  conscious participant in the conflict, it needs to be introduced.  The same may be said for thinking.  If a person can hold the tension between the conflicting opposites, then eventually something will happen in the psyche to effectively resolve the conflict. ·  This process requires patience and strong ego, otherwise the tension cannot be held and a decision will be made out of  despera-tension, just to escape the tension.

During MLC they try to escape reality and their true self ….a breakdown of the personality has a purpose:  to force a person onto a new level of awareness.  In the struggle to understand yourself, there is no substitute  for prolonged self-reflection.
Wholeness is only achieved through self-examination, and unless there are acknowledged problems there is nothing to examine.

 It is foolish to imagine we can change the person who seems to be the cause of our heartache.  But  we can change ourselves and our reactions.…the major battles in relationships happen because the man projects his anima onto the woman and the woman projects her animus onto the man.

Magnetic resonance imaging MRI..has shown that there are two small pieces of frontal
cortex that can be used to discriminate between internal and external events.
In Jung's view, because a person's conscious mind is identified with their own gender, their
 unconscious will be experienced as being of the opposite sex


The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm which is not easily disturbed, or else a brokenness that can hardly be healed.

The MLCer has to suffer until he finds, or there wells up in him, an attitude that is better adapted to who he is and life as he finds it.  For this he needs time.

[Lovebystanding]

Psychopathology plays a role for the different outcomes of midlife crisis.
Borderline patients are not as capable as neurotic ones to deal with limitedness or death.The most significant factor of  psychopathology is the extent of pathological narcissism
because narcissists do not age well.


Not sure of the extent of narcissism wrt to H but he certainly finds
it difficult to age gracefully..... I guess like most MLCers?

[Lovebystanding]

An older man whose emotional life has remained at an adolescent level is usually coupled with too great a dependence on the mother.  They yearn for independence, they long for freedom, but they are powerless to pull it off. Many midlife crises arise from the inner need to grow out of this stage of development.A man in the process of  becoming independent must detach from his origins:  mother, family, society.  The same is true for a woman.A positive mother complex inclines a man toward the ideal of togetherness.

 The mlcer identifies with his wife, his devotion to her is so strong that he sometimes forgets that he himself is dying.   At the same time he is beginning to resent her. They don’t fight or quarrel, not because they have no problems but because they don’t reveal their true feelings to each other. They cannot do so because neither  can stand disharmony.If he see his wife more realistically – if he can withdraw his projection-  it might save their marriage.  It depends on whether or not he likes what he sees, and if she can stand what he sees whichever way he turns. The conflict is alive until he knows what’s he’s doing and why.

A midlife crisis, like an acute neurosis, is characterized by conflict, depression and anxiety.
The conflict is the price that has to be paid in order to grow up.  Higher consciousness is equivalent to being all alone in the world...a man in a conflict situation has to rely on “divine comfort and mediation….an autonomous psychic happening, a hush that follows the storm, a reconciling light in the darkness…..secretly bringing order into the chaos of his soul.”



You can’t say, think or do anything that isn’t colored by your particular way of seeing the world.  That’s your typology.

Jung’s typology is a way of putting these differences into some order. 

It’s helpful in understanding yourself and it’s a godsend in relationship.

1.The sensation function is concerned with tangible reality. Sensation excels at details.

2. the physical senses, it establishes that something exists.....intuition doesn’t – it’s more interested in possibilities. 

3.Thinking tell us what it is. The thinking function is concerned with ideas.

4. Feelings tell us what it’s worth to us, and through intuition – which Jung described as

perception via the unconscious – we have a sense of what can be done with it.

Feeling  focuses on relationship.

For complete orientation all four functions should contribute equally.

 “Part of the problem leading up to a breakdown is that some of the functions have been neglected, they finally demand to be recognized.  That’s painful. It’s usual then to project the cause of the pain onto somebody else.Making it conscious often brings  a new lease on life.