[Faithfully Yours]

I have a question for you. Does your friend consider herself a stander? Has she had other relationships? When her H came back recently, did he express that he may like to return to the marriage someday? I was just curious as to where your friend is in this journey.

No, she is not a stander.  She stood through his first affair, and was willing to stand through the 2nd and 3rd one.  He basically told her no.  She waited I believe 2 years before she got into another relationship and I believe 4 years after she started the relationship she finally divorced.  6 years total.  Her H would have never divorced it seems.  She is still with the man she started with although with no intentions on getting married again. 

Her H has never expressed an urge to return to the marriage and my friend would emphatically say no way even if he did.  At least that's what she says now.  She sees how utterly broken he is and has always been throughout his life.  But she truly did feel a great amount of relief when he said those words to her.  He has always said he was sorry but true remorse is only showing now.  LOL, it only took 12 years but at least she got it.

Thanks Misdiz. I was curious as to how your friend felt about it all. I am still way too early in the process to make any decisions, but it is helpful to hear about how others have handled their situations. I have also heard a story of another LBS who had been divorced from her H for 15 years before he expressed remorse. They are not reconnecting, but it was nice for her to hear that he is remorseful. Some days I wonder if my H will show remorse in the future. He is still too far in the tunnel to worry about that now though. Thanks for sharing with us.

Hugs.

[fidelle]

Ever hear the saying "What you think of me, is none of my business"?

So true.  What anyone thinks of me has nothing to do with me, its their business. 

Kind of like that.

I think you're wonderful, warm, funny , fantastic, amazing, courageous, gutsy and fabulous, SD 

[Snowdrop]

Quote from: Snowdrop on September 24, 2013, 08:47:29 PM
Ever hear the saying "What you think of me, is none of my business"?

So true.  What anyone thinks of me has nothing to do with me, its their business. 

Kind of like that.

I think you're wonderful, warm, funny , fantastic, amazing, courageous, gutsy and fabulous, SD   

Well thank you - same back atcha, sista!. Need to get my glasses as I'm sure I saw the word "slim" in there, oh and "youthful" too?

[misdiz]

Hi all.

A little update on my friends journey.

Her exH has really made the brake from the OW.  He is getting his own place with 3 bedrooms to have a room for each of his kids.  He called my friend to tell her and to tell her that he will need to be working more to pay for everything and to just bear with him.

But here's the kicker, he asked her if he could have a key to "her" house just in case.  Now this was the family home that she still owns.  She got her own mortgage for the house and it is strictly in her name.

A little timeline I have clarified with her:  2nd BD (the final one) was in 2001.  That is when she found OW #2.  He has been with her ever since.  They divorced in 2006.  He is showing all the true signs of MLC.  He showed major depression recently and seems to be into acceptance.  I told my friend that I think he is going to try to reconnect with her.  We will see if I'm right.

We had a long discussion today about that and she can't honestly say no anymore.  She doesn't think it would work but I have to say that she was't as firm in her decission as she was.  She has been in a steady relationship since 2008 but she really isn't happy.  So basically who knows.

I forsee her ex using the key to her house to get his way back into her life.  I think he's going to make excuses to come there and she will come home from work and he will be there.  I guess time will tell.  I will keep you all updated as things happen.

[calamity]

I wonder if it would be a relief for newcomers to have a thread where we can share details of ow relationship dynamics... so that others can see the similarities and PROOF that all is not loving and warm in the affair.....a thread much like our "crazy things my mlcer has said"

LettingGo suggested this on WithGodsHelp's thread.

I don't know much [I no longer care] but I remember a friend saying that if my h was out with his colleagues for a drink after work, ow would be texting constantly until he gave up & went home.

[CallanG]

Thanks , this would be very helpful as in my head I see it being all romantic and lovely .

Callan

[panda]

I don't know much [I no longer care] but I remember a friend saying that if my h was out with his colleagues for a drink after work, ow would be texting constantly until he gave up & went home.

Yep - seen this also - H was here yesterday and was harrassed non stop by OW texting constantly.  Bit sad really....and he accuses me of being controlling 

[LettingGo]

This thread is meant to help us understand exactly how ugly and self destructive the MLC affair really is....to confirm what RCR has written in the articles on the MLC affair.....ow/om means nothing....so that you can have HOPE enough in your heart to put the focus on yourself and thrive under heartbreaking circumstances.

Surely you can see that NO ONE in a healthy state of mind would live with or be involved with someone under the circumstances they describe....it makes no sense! MLCer and op are drawn to one another because they are both on the same wavelength....trust the process and put your marriage on the back burner for now.

For the record, the first time I got my husband to speak of ow I swear his eyes twinkled....he said "we have SO much in common!!" that was month two...month three I heard "our relationship is volatile" said with excitement....I guess the fights were horrible but making up was a blast! Five months in the bloom was off the rose and he told me "we're too much alike...and not in the good ways...."

Later I heard "we're both selfish...." and then "she's selfish...a liar...controlling...needy...too independent....doesn't need a man...too insecure...." and her insecurities caused him to MOVE IN WITH HER and sign a lease in a last ditch effort to make her happy and therefore the relationship good again (in his mind) but a month after he moved in with her he wanted out....reason?? "Because the reality of day to day living with someone kills the fantasy....bills to pay...people's habits..."

Just a few days ago he told me "she's such a liar!! She lies about everything....even stupid stuff there's no point in lying about" same $h!te, different day, LOL!!!

Now for my favorite anecdote....he dared to visit us on one of "her" weekends so she texted a picture of an allegedly used condom and told him she was with another man....THEN this fictional other man taunted my husband's manhood via text from HER PHONE until he couldn't take it any more so he told the kids he would be back in ten minutes and left. Ow lives three hours away. We never heard a word that weekend....just....no explanation at all!!

Make no mistake....the two of them together are responsible and they feed off of each other's drama so get out of the way and let the familiarity breed contempt!It's the worst reality show on earth!

[panda]

LettingGo -

....and her insecurities caused him to MOVE IN WITH HER and sign a lease in a last ditch effort to make her happy and therefore the relationship good again (in his mind)

I suspect this is what has happened in my H's case.  I remember asking him why he was involved with her - his response was 'Because she thinks I am so great'.  So I asked him what she would think when  his act stopped - no response.....

[Ready2Transform]

Originally my H said what they had in common were their "mutual relationship problems" (you mean, the ones you are causing with the affair you are having? LOL).  He cried at one point and said he just felt so alone, he needed anyone (other than me, of course).  He said there was no future in it - but of course, that was about two years ago and they soldier on.  He has had broken ribs, a damaged truck, and a fat lip consistent with the sort of volatile relationship with fights we are used to hearing about. 

She told a mutual friend 3 years ago that she was just looking for a way away from her and her now xH's debts, and didn't want to work.  After the affair was outed, she told this same friend, "I'm not a bad person, I just need to get my kids set up."  I asked if she talked about loving my H, and she said his name never comes up, let alone emotions.   

They're both just users at this stage.  She now has a mortgage in her name my H probably paid for.  He still won't finish divorcing me. You figure it out, because I sure can't.