[limitless]

My "taking a bullet" was for the woman she was, her actions in our marriage up until the last six months of it were worthy of that stance, now they are not. Marriage is a matter of absolute trust, once that trust is broken it's gone forever, every time they are late from work, talk on the phone, flip a webpage when you walk into the room or act in the least bit odd you are going to wonder "is it happening again?".  This is the life of the reconcilled LBS for years afterward.

I guess we would have to ask a reconciled LBS to know if this is true.

I personally know a reconciled LBS and this isn't the type of life she would ever accept.

As far as having the capability to forgive the unforgivable, there are those who are able to forgive others for killing their child. I don't know that I would have that capacity. But I would never say that those who are able to do so have a personality disorder.

I understand what you say and do not deny your right to feel as you do.

It is normal to have such feelings. Nothing wrong in it.

I guess I don't understand how someone having the capacity to forgive is somehow seen as into pain and misery.

By the way, I have serious doubts about my own capacity to forgive.

L

[Rookie13]

Yes Braveheart, point well taken. A very healthy choice. When you are healthy enough to make that one.

TLZ, agreed also with your post. forgiveness to me is also necessary. Doesn't mean i have to love her but forgive her, yes, for all the MLC reasons. Again, a healthy choice when healthy enough to make it.

In it,  true, 'I don't get off on pain, giving or receiving'. Another obvious healthy choice when you can separate yourself from any emotional abuse that comes your way. Time serves people well. 

[twilightzone]

I am hoping that trust is not necessarily lost forever and that it can be rebuilt.  In reconciliation, both parties must realize this.  Both must agree on openness.  I agree that reconciliation, at best, is not easy.

It would also involve continued detachment and both parties would need to be different people from that old M.....people who have grown and who are now capable of being in a healthy relationship.  The old marriage, the one that had the complete and blind trust, was not healthy.  Both spouses had issues to resolve....the LBS as well as the MLCer.  I also believe a strong faith in both people is critical for success.

I agree that trust is essential for a R to thrive....just as important are communication, compromise, conflict resolution to name a few.  And there are certainly many cases of successful reconciliations after infidelity.  It would seem the parties in those cases have worked it out.

[in it]

I agree that trust is essential for a R to thrive....just as important are communication, compromise, conflict resolution to name a few.  And there are certainly many cases of successful reconciliations after infidelity.  It would seem the parties in those cases have worked it out.

TRUST IS KEY FOR ME!!! COMMUNICATION COMES NEXT! NO minding reading PLEASE! I'm not one; nor do I expect one. Some thoughtfulness and consideration would be nice.

Conflict resolution? I love a good fight! But it has to come to some sort of compromise when all is said and done. And I'm not sure if sex is the way to make-up..I never did that.

And the parties that work it out? One has to really not care if it happens again IMHO. Because they know they are going to be OK no matter what happens.

[in it]

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/kim-olver/why-men-are-more-distant-women-relationships

Was true for anyone in the relationship? Denial is a powerful thing...

[Thundarr]

I think there are several misconceptions here, based on research.  First off, I think the worst thing in a reconciled marriage would be for one partner to not care if the other strayed.  How invested could one be if they didn't care if their partner cheated?  Also, in reconciled marriages trust IS necessary and research has shown that trust can be stronger than ever.  Infidelity is a symptom of a larger problem in most cases.  Once the couple overcomes the underlying g problems, then what is built from that point on is usually much better than what was there before.  I doubt RCR lives in a panic about who Chuck is talking on the phone with or why he's on the computer.  I could be wrong, but....

[Braveheart]

I think there are several misconceptions here, based on research.  First off, I think the worst thing in a reconciled marriage would be for one partner to not care if the other strayed.  How invested could one be if they didn't care if their partner cheated?  Also, in reconciled marriages trust IS necessary and research has shown that trust can be stronger than ever.  Infidelity is a symptom of a larger problem in most cases.  Once the couple overcomes the underlying g problems, then what is built from that point on is usually much better than what was there before.  I doubt RCR lives in a panic about who Chuck is talking on the phone with or why he's on the computer.  I could be wrong, but....

Maybe you have access to more research than I do, but I have not found anything but anecdotal reports of a relationship being better than ever after infidelty. I have read that couples that were going through rough patches in their marriages, but worked through them ( no affairs) were much happier five years later, but nothing statistical regarding reconcilliation after infidelity that was very positive. Less than 4% of divorced couples remarry.

From all I've read on MLC and in my own experince, at first we would move heaven and earth to get our X's home, the pain being unbearable, all will be forgiven if they just come home. If you truly do the work on yourself over time you begin detach from that desperation and think more rationally. At some juncture you hit the point you think "Who in their right mind would want her/him back". In my own case my kids reached that point before I did, they both think I deserve far better...and they're right.

[DaRealist]

I've known my wife for 14 years and we've never had trust issues until she became depressed.  She was the most honest, trustworthy person I knew.  I trusted her with my life.  I don't believe that who she is right now erases what I KNEW about her for 13 years prior.  I'm not an idiot.  Her children aren't idiots.  Her mother isn't an idiot.  Her childhood friends aren't idiots.  Neither are her aunts, uncles or cousins.  If she was a narcissistic, selfish, lying, cheating, secretive, abusive person someone, somewhere would have known it.

Something happened.  I personally believe there's a spiritual influence as well as other factors that has come into play.  W has admitted to me on several occasions that she does not know what she's doing nor can she control it.  She told me a month before BD that she saw a therapist seven months prior.  I looked it up and she was telling the truth.  She had to recognize something was wrong to see a therapist in Feb 2012.  She cheated in Aug 2012.  I found out in Nov 2012.  The woman that cheated in Aug 2012 admitted to me she started seeing a therapist in Feb 2012 because she fantasized about killing herself.  Something was very wrong way before she cheated.

If I truly believed she was happy being this way, I would feel just like Braveheart.  In fact, as it is, I feel like he does a lot of times anyway.  But deep down I know she's not happy.  Why would someone go to such great lengths to hurt themselves??  Something else is wrong.  The cheating is just a surface wound in comparison to the hell she's going through.  It has to be because that other dude ain't sh*t.  (Had to break off the bad English for that one).  There's no way under the sun she would sacrifice her family, her reputation, her health for that piece of trash that let her know from day one he was only interested in one thing.  No f*cking way.

So...I believe W is sick.  I believe she can be made well again.  I believe our Heavenly Father is overseeing all of this and will step in and heal His daughter in His timing.  I believe He is with me even amidst this suffering.  I made a vow to Him that I would stand for better or worse, through sickness and health till DEATH do us part.  Yes, I know...  the DEATH part is a tough one.  Leaves me with no other option but to trust Him.  So I do.  Even when I shake with anger that it's not over yet.  Even when I entertain sinful thoughts in my mind.  In the end, I trust Him.

This is the reason I stand.  I'll leave all the forgiveness and reconciliation to Him whenever He leads her back home.  As my mom says, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

[Thundarr]

Awesome post, Darealist.  Pure golden!

[Albatross]

Awesome post, Darealist.  Pure golden!

Could not agree more !