[xyzcf]

I felt sick reading this story as well...perhaps because it frightens me that my Beloved truly wants something totally different (well duh, that's exactly what he's doing..no marriage, no responsibilities just me, me, me).

Now, inspired by the story, increasing numbers of women are following suit.

I think it is very sad but true that we are following the media and what actors and actresses are doing and believe that to be the norm.

I have read somewhere, that marriages that were in trouble, that 5 years later the people who stayed together were happier than those who divorced....in past years, couples stuck it out..and perhaps got through these transitions without running away from their problems.

Hey, I'm all for finding yourself and living your life and exploring...I never stopped my Beloved from pursuing anything that he was interested in....I supported all his career moves..somehow you'd think that they could find themselves without destroying their families.

I see this as being selfish but then I also see this as their inability to tolerate being with the LBS..they can't help it. My H told me that perhaps he could be with me in our large home but the idea of living together in a small apartment, he could not tolerate...seems being close to me at all caused him tremendous angst. That hurts me so much, but if that's how he truly feels then he must be free of me.

I hate MLC!!!!!

[trusting]

have read somewhere, that marriages that were in trouble, that 5 years later the people who stayed together were happier than those who divorced....in past years, couples stuck it out..and perhaps got through these transitions without running away from their problems.

I have heard that too - that people who were polled as very unhappy in the marriage but who stuck it out five years later when they were polled said they were happy. 

I hate MLC!!!!!

Amen.

[Dontgiveup]

I've heard that poll also and have read about it.

It's a good poll.....and I understand that not everyone will agree with me on this.....but I believe that MLC and an unhappy marriage are two different issues.

Oh.....and MLC still sucks.

[stayed]

How about this comment from the Marriage Counselor....

‘While I was questioning what I wanted to do in my life, my husband was having an affair with another woman, then it was too late.’

What do you think her "attitude will be in regards to MLC?  Move on, forget about your marriage... it's toast!

The older couple with the Harley and Jaguar, I don't think they are mid life, I think they have grown children and said... yahoo, time to be wild.  They aren't hurting anybody. 

Definitely makes me feel squeamish!  Interesting article Bewildered.

[Still]

The article saddened me, too. The part of standing at the river with her wedding ring and "no turning back". I guess we can all picture our spouses doing and thinking the same thing.

In fact, someone's H on this forum did go to a river and the OW through their wedding band it in......the MLC'er later regretted it.

[exiled]

My wife is definitely following this line of thinking.
She thinks that our path is splitting up and she will have to be on her own because
she has to be faithful to becoming whom she was meant to be.  (I don't know
what her affair has to do with this )
I said, "Hey, I will hop off mine and go with you since I am not that serious about
following mine."  She thinks I am not taking my life seriously and she doesn't want
to be with a person like that.

I remember when Joseph Campbell said, "Follow your blessing" we thought it was so cool.
But now I am getting tired of those who take their lives too seriously.  I think "Follow your
blessing" should come with a qualifier, "as long as your actions don't destroy your family and
the happiness of others etc..."

I think MLCers fall into self-indulgence in the name of following their blessing.
I believe the maturity will come when she can discern the difference between the two.

[trusting]

I've heard that poll also and have read about it.

It's a good poll.....and I understand that not everyone will agree with me on this.....but I believe that MLC and an unhappy marriage are two different issues.

True. I get your point, but if you were to poll me now about the state of my marriage, I would have to check the "deeply unhappy" box and it is because of MLC.  You never know what is going on in marriages to make people unhappy.

[xyzcf]

Oh.....and MLC still sucks

yes it does, yes it does.

[BraveNewWorld]

I found the article thought provoking too. I watched the movie 'Eat, Pray, Love' and have felt a little like the husband she let go in that movie. I listen to a podcast from the BBC that reviews movies. The broadcaster had a bit of a rant about that movie - critiquing the main character asking what she really had to complain so much about ... what was really troubling her in her life, and oh - big deal she went to Italy and discovered pasta. He calls it 'Eat, Pray, Love, Vomit'.

It's an interesting movie/story, I thought - maybe offered me a bit of insight. I've heard the word 'narcissistic' used when others have talked about it.

I've been thinking a lot about my history and our relationship. Identifying more things that I wish that I had done differently, wishing I'd made other decisions. I just needed more communication about what she wanted. I would have liked to meet the needs I didn't meet.

I've also come to realize that this was a ticking bomb, and that I was in some ways stupid not to see that it could happen from early on. I still believe that in my wife's case, this has an awful lot to do with her relationship with her father.

I'm the sort of person that finds it hard to forgive them-self - so the monster spew has been particularly effective on me. This is all part of my journey too. Knowing what I know now ... would I have even married her? It would have meant I wouldn't know my sons. It's a good job we can't go back in time, because I think we'd only create more questions than answers.

Trustandlove wrote something on Still's thread which really resonated with me. She wrote this:

Regarding your younger children:   mine were 10 when he left; my line has been "Daddy was unhappy and chose to leave rather than work out how to be happy with us".

And that's how I feel. My wife was unhappy. I'm sure that she was unhappy with me for some things. But in the balance of things, I'm absolutely certain that I deserved a chance to understand and fix any mistakes that I made. We have/had a lovely home, two beautiful children, good jobs, our health and a lot of opportunities for fun as a family and with other people. We'd traveled far together, literally and metaphorically. I'm sure that I listened to her, I tried to help her many times with her concerns. Although I felt weary too - because she was distancing herself even before BD if I think back.

Anyway - if you can't be happy with the life we had, then what would it take. It is unreasonable to blame your unhappiness on one person. And like Trustandlove says - the truth is this: my spouse was unhappy and chose to leave rather than work out how to be happy with us one family.

In addition, it wasn't enough just to leave, she had to blame me for her leaving. My theory - she thinks she can focus all the hurt and unhappiness she has held onto during her life on me, and walk away from it by walking away from me. I'm not so sure life works that way.

The women in the article, and for the author of 'Eat, Pray, Love' left because they were unhappy and could see no way out of it with the person they were married to.

About a year into this, I asked my wife - calmly - how she could just throw away my love. It is the only time I've seen her cry, or almost cry about this. She got angry at me quickly though. She yelled at me 'does it make you feel better to ask that!?'. It was yet another confusing reaction that I was unprepared for, but no, I didn't want to make her cry.

I just wanted to understand.

It was clear from her reaction that she did too.

BNW

[Metal]

Here's another one where the Woman leaves her children.
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/the-opposite-of-a-tiger-mother-leaving-your-children-behind-2460982/
A few ugly highlights:

Her boys are teenagers—and, she says, they're fine. In fact, their relationship not only survived her leaving, but "has improved." "I had to leave my children to find them"

"‪It took me about a year to decide once the idea came to me"

I have the unique opportunity most women don't get to have, of being able to truly create the life I wish to have,...