[ziggee]

Smitty2929

Thanks... guess like WP got to hear things over and over and will need to hear it again... in the future...

Me

[Battlefield]

I know Inthis,
it's funny how some things change and some stay the same. I don't know what my H's deal is.
Although last night was one of the worst night's I have had since January.
I had a talk with my D19 yesterday morning and was telling her that her Fiance doesn't need to b drinking and chewing. One thing is he is not paying a thing to live here or contribute to anything my food bill has doubled as well as other bills. If he wants to chew he needs to buy his own. I told her that H is buying it and it is expensive so her Fiance doesn't need to b drinking or chewing, and he doesn't need to b drinking at all bc he's only 19. I told her that she knew her dad was going through something and this isn't helping. Her fiance needs to get a job and help financially as he was told from day 1.

Well let me tell u typical D she is very manipulative and exaggerates EVERYTHING! She acted fine when I was talking to her and happy go lucky after. I should of known she would do what she did. She waited for H to come home and I wasn't there so she preceded to tell him that I told her that her Fiance couldn't have any beer or chew bc H is spending way to much money and he is messed up in the head so he is not aware of the money he is spending.  WOW not even close to what I said.
So H waited until I got home to tell me that he can do what he wants and if he wants to give him Beer and chew that's his Fing business bc it's his money and it's none of my business. and I am never to talk to the kids about him bc he is not messed up in the head. Well I tried to tell him that is not what was said exactly. But he just told me to shut up then shut the F up. That I was a liar I always have been that I have been talking Sh@* through this whole thing and he knows all the crap I have been saying. I told him whatever it doesn't matter what i say I am wrong he said yes u r. Then went outside to have more beer. I was in the middle of cooking dinner when this happened.
My D19 and D15 were sitting there the whole time and I asked my D19 if she was satisfied with the situation, she just smiled and said Dad said when he left you would try and talk to me. I told her I will talk to her whenever and wherever I want and if she wants to talk in front of her dad fine with me she went outside I did too and she again lied and started saying things that I didn't say. I just said nothing then turned around and said u guys are totally right. They said yup we are.
I went in the house to finish dinner and btw was crying the whole time my D19 came in the house smiling and laughing at me.
she has done stuff like this during this whole thing to get H to get her and do whatever she wants and it works bc he feels so guilty he just does whatever and talk crap about me.
My D15 was so upset I just finished dinner and went to my room where I was crying so hard I couldn't breath then started throwing up. My d15 was trying to help me and do whatever she could, and I felt so horrible for her I kept telling her I was fine and she needed to go do her homework. Well needless to say while I was throwing up and couldn't hardly breath my D19 her Dad and fiance were in the living room having a great time laughing it up.
Then this morning I got up I didn't clean a damn thing just cleaned up my mess and got ready. My H avoided me like the plague then told me that he needed 20 dollars. Bc his mom gave me 400 and him 100 well his 100 was gone he had to pick up stuff for the house so H said if u have any of the 400 left bc u blow money I need 20. I fell for it that passive aggressive  crap and said yeah I blow money on bills food kids. How do u think we are still living in this house with electricity and food ect.  He said whatever I know. I said ok then I took the 380.00 I had left put it by his wallet in the bedroom. a while later told him he has all the money so he needs to go get D15 birthday present and her cake ect.
He said I am not doing a Fing thing I work 50 hours a week and u do nothing. I didn't say a word just left. He had such hatred for me I can't stand it.
 Well as of now I am not lifting a finger for any of them I will just take care of me and D15 since I don't do a thing they can take care of their own crap. I am done!!!!!!!!!
Btw I told him that he was not going to treat me or talk to me like this. He said I don't treat u like Sh*@ u r crazy!
It's so hard he has such hatred for me all of a sudden the first couple days were great and he was nice now he's totally monster. I know this withdrawal from OW is hard but I have found out it's harder on me than anybody else. If I had somewhere else to go I def would move out with my d15. I am still so sick to my stomach I can't hold anything down.

[justasking]

Smitty

My one concern is whether your H has ever left replay and is now retreating back into replay behaviour. Just because OW is gone doesn't mean he is further on. I'm not sure. It worries me that he is only 12 months from BD. Can you read the stages again and see if you can find him. There does appear to be a bit of monster about him at the moment.

Which ever way this disrespect to you cannot be allowed. Your D19 is feeding into that and your H isriding on the back of her truculance. I suggest you stop speaking about your H to her. She is lucky to have such a great mom who puts up with her c**p. She is a young woman and acting like a spoilt 14 year old. Blimey you have a house full of them.................

You are going to have to set a strong boundary to pull your H back into line. In the interim I suggest if he is rude and bad mouthing you walk away, leave the room, leave the house and do something else. But the boundaries may cause him to withdraw completely at the moment so it is a tough call.

xx

[Anjae]

Hi Smitty, sorry to hear things are rocky for you. Do you have a nice place in your house you can have just for you? A drawing room, a spare bedroom that can be turned into your own private place?

If you have, make it you safe heaven and go to there when your husband is being rude at you. It will be your husband free space.

Would like to read HB thread as well but don't know how to find it...

[Battlefield]

Thanks Just and Anne,
Just no I have followed it to a tee and he is in withdraw from Ow and he has already been through all the other phases he had an awakening at the end of Replay and when he moved into depression/withdrawal I knew exactly when he did. He was a clinger and when he went all of a sudden to not talking to me but once every two weeks from him contacting me everyday and coming by when he could then he wouldn't come by at all I knew he was in Withdrawal.
But I know he has ended the Withdrawal stage bc if u go back and read he opened up to me fully for over a month and told me so much about the R with OW and told me not good things about OW and his feelings. I believe he is in the Withdraw from OW and from what I have read many times it brings out the Anger in them and he def is. I do know for a fact that he has not contacted or had any with OW for almost 3 weeks now. If he was in Replay he would of Ran when we have had the last 3 somewhat fights. In fact he said that but he said he was in a different place now and knows he's going through MLC. If he was in Replay none of those things would of happened at all.
I know 12mo doesnt seem like long to some people but every MLC is different and I have read of a lot of people ending at almost a year exactly.  He is right on track but the anger during this OW withdrawal is not fun at all.
I absolutly will not put up with his crap I have no problem telling him and infact I was so tired of it I told him to that I was tired of it and if he didn't like it to leave. He said he didn't want to. So there is no way he is in withdrawal he has no signs of that anymore just and Ass I believe bc of OW withdrawal.
Anne unfortunately I don't I am just hiding out in my bedroom but H doesn't come in until I am asleep he is avoiding me which I have also read happens during the OW withdrawal that H would reject me and b mean and say horrible and random things.
Yes My D19 is totally taking advantage of the sitch and manipulating this to her advantage. Trust me there will b no talk about H at all I don't care what is going on. They are all on their own except D15. 

[LettingGo]

Smitty.... I'm sorry you had such a rough night.... it's none of my business, but I will comment on what I see here... first of all, it seems you are playing the role of martyr and victim... the person everyone abuses starting with your daughter and her fiancee.... why is he even living there? Your business, but really.... whatever happened to the old "I pay the bills and as long as you live in MY house you will abide by my rules!!" adage??

We have ALL reacted the way you did to your husband's unfair accusations, but they get us NOWHERE!! IF he is truly in OW withdrawal, or ANY withdrawal, you will see monster and it's not easy or pretty.... but YOU will have to toughen up.... EVERYONE IN THAT HOUSEHOLD is counting on YOU!! Yep.... it's not fair and it SUCKS!!

Do NOT give your husband extra money just because he is whining and accusing you of untrue things....my husband thinks EVERYONE has his hand in his pocket, yet HE is the one that spent about $20,000.00 to have his OW fling that is making him so miserable now!! That is money we will NEVER see again... he even said last weekend "Every penny I spent up there was a waste!" ya think???

I would ask you GENTLY and KINDLY WITH LOVE to examine your part in this.... I know it's hard... but the FIXER IN YOU is trying to stay in charge, and that's not good FOR YOU. IF you invite your daughter's boyfriend (cuz in order to be a fiancee in REAL LIFE, he would have to have SOME way of supporting them and some PLAN!!) to live with you, you cannot ASSUME you get to tell them how to live (even though I mentioned it above with the "as long as you live in my house...." bit). If you don't like it, suggest they would be happier under SOMEONE ELSE'S ROOF... uhhhhhh, maybe their OWN!!

Your husband would like to think he has some authority around the household, but he pretty much gave that up when he went off the deep end... HOWEVER, you must STILL respect him as your husband and not try to control or fix him, though he NEEDS it, LOL!!

Now, I wasn't there, and it's not my business anyway... so if my "lecture" is way off base then I hope you will ignore it and forgive me.... one thing I do FIRST whenever I get angry or fight with my husband is look at MY part of it... it's the only part I can control... and a lot of times I see I was just feeling low, or insecure, or picked on and low energy... other times I had to realize I was caught up in self righteousness.... victimhood.... it's good to question yourself!  ((hugs)) LG

[Anjae]

Smitty, don't want to make you feel more down, but, like just said, your husband may still be in replay. Mine did come knocking on my door when he was on OW1 withdraw (and, unknown to me at the time, was also already being friendly with OW2). He talked to me about some things and even said OW1 had been a mistake and the wrong way of trying to solve things. That he was a new, better man.

He went back to replay within months and is still lost on it. I haev not seen a new better man at all. One day, maybe...

As for your D19 fiance I think you need to impose boundaries. It is your house. It is not a good thing to have a 19 years old man around drinking and chewing. You already have your hands full with your husband, can you find a away of making the boy go away?...

[Millvina]

Anne this is a link to HB's stages

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=399.0#lastPost

Smitty

I really hope things settle down for you. I'm not trying to be negative or discouraging but maybe to slightly less positive about where H is would leave you less open to further hurt. If there's one thing I've learned on this forum is we never really know exactly what's going on. 

M x

[Shantilly Lace]

Dearheart comes and goes where he talks about things and then it slips again.
He could be having awakenings where he realises things but then it's gone again.

Maybe you could prepare food for you an D15 only. Only do yours and her washing.
Cut out the niceties. Remove yourself from them. If they ask why tell them. Do not cry just state it. And then walk away. You are giving them way too much power.  Pack their bags and put them out.  Your d and her fiancé.

Do not become afraid to stand for you. You deserve better. 

[Patience]

Smitty, It's hard to see where they are when you are in the midst of it.  I think here comes a time in replay, near the end, that they can still be in replay but will not necessarily run.  They are coming out of it and have made some decisions.  I saw this for myself.  I'm not saying your H is or is not just coming out of replay.  I'm just saying be prepared.  Don't forget that stages can and do overlap.  You will see elements of the previous and next stages. 

There also is a time in Acceptance that they will revisit the previous stages.  The way I understand it that would include replay.  Given his OW withdrawal it might make sense that he is revisiting that stage at this time. It hurts you, but you can't change it.

Take care of yourself.  All of us here are with you.