[bipolared]

Also like in it-h's mother is a professional victim (was not appreciated by her parents, did all the work while her 2 brothers got all the glory, was abandoned by her h, my. H's father, and floundered around in a pity pool for years, being a victim and a martyr)---SHE'S an enabler.  She is enabling h as we speak-not holding him accountable for his HORRIBLE CHOICES-doing everything she can to make his life easier...all without (i suspect) letting him know that his actions and decisions have been DEPLORABLE.  And h pretty mich hates his mother, i think.  And he's stuck with her now...enabling and co-dependence personified...uuugh!

Do we have the same MIL?

[in it]

Maybe we all married the same guy???   

And you guys that took care of your wives like this? Where do I find one like you?? 

[lawprofessor]

Hi Guys and Ladies!

I have to admit I am joining this group as well. 

Genius was NEVER responsible for a single thing.  When he was in college his mother and sister would drive there (1.5 hours away) a week to do his laundry and grocery shopping. 

During our relationship, he moved several times and we moved several times.  Yep, it was me that did all the work.  I found the places, arranged all the utilities, cleaned the old place, packed, unpacked, paying and collecting the deposit, everything.  That way if he hated the place it was my fault.  I would get so tired of that.  I would say to him, "Honey if possible, you would just let me do it all, and you would show up on moving day to a fully arranged house wouldn't you?"  He would laugh and say yes, that is exactly how I want it to happen. 

He always said it went like that because I was good at "that stuff."  Menial tasks, labor intensive activities.  He never did laundry, dishes, cleaning, car appointments, any appointments, yardwork, care for the dogs, nothing.  He would not even pick out Christmas gifts for his family.  He didn't want to be responsible if they did not like it. 

I would say to him, "Just please make one decision, just one!"  He refused to ever.  I even suggested that he did not want to be responsible for anything.  He told me he had plenty of responsibilities. 

I also would plead with him to get an opinion on something, anything in relation to decisions about investments, housing, anything that was not directly in his area of study/work.  He refused until something would go wrong, then his opinion was that it was my fault. 

I know I enabled him to do things like that but I also thought I was being a good partner.  It was just easier to do it myself than to wait for him to do it also.  It was my place to live so I worried about things like that. 

I also enabled him in that I made excuses for him not getting and keeping jobs at certain duty posts.  He would be so angry when they refused to renew his contract but would renew and extend mine regularly.  I thought it was only ego, and always turned them down, thinking if they did not want us as a team, then they did not want me. 

Boy, just writing this, I realize how much I DO NOT miss that.  And how insecure he was in that he was not a partner/spouse to me, but a weight and child to carry around.

It's funny, but he would say he took care of me since he paid some of the bills. 

I AM NOW NOT AN ENABLER AND WILL NEVER BE ONE AGAIN.  Sink or swim on your own now big boys!

So when are the meetings??  Wait, J still lives with me.  But I am not enabling him, or am I?

Better save me a long term seat just to be sure!!!

[in it]

I don't know..are "fixers" enablers?

[Searching4Answers]

During our relationship, he moved several times and we moved several times.  Yep, it was me that did all the work.  I found the places, arranged all the utilities, cleaned the old place, packed, unpacked, paying and collecting the deposit, everything.  That way if he hated the place it was my fault.  I would get so tired of that.  I would say to him, "Honey if possible, you would just let me do it all, and you would show up on moving day to a fully arranged house wouldn't you?"  He would laugh and say yes, that is exactly how I want it to happen. 

I see myself here..............I did exactly the same things.

He always said it went like that because I was good at "that stuff."  Menial tasks, labor intensive activities.  He never did laundry, dishes, cleaning, car appointments, any appointments, yardwork, care for the dogs, nothing.  He would not even pick out Christmas gifts for his family.  He didn't want to be responsible if they did not like it. 

Same here! H is now doing his own laundry, shopping, cooking, dishes, etc; I do none of it anymore. I always thought of it like this - Things are what really matters, the relationship is what really matters - how wrong I was.

I don't know..are "fixers" enablers?

Hmmm.............I don't think they are the same. A 'fixer' would need to see it as a problem to fix. I didn't this as a problem; I have always been very responsible and just took care of things because it what I do. I also saw it as being a good partner but now I see how unbalanced everything was I won't go there again.

[in it]

I also saw it as being a good partner but now I see how unbalanced everything was I won't go there again.

And right there is the challenge isn't it? And we all do more than our share it's inherit in long term relationships. IMHO

We can't get our self worth from doing it.

[Returned]

Indeed I must admit looking at this list that I am an enabler to. My H never once in 28 years helped in the garden, repaired anything around the house, painted a wall, took the dogs for a walk, went to the market, or changed a roll of toilet paper in the bathroom.

He did however on several occasions help with the kids when they were babies and made the bed a few times.

This was one of the reasons we never bought a house, because I was very sure that I would get stuck with everything.

Very unbalanced.

[in it]

Well the reasons I did the things I did was because I didn't want to ASK..CAN'T ANYBODY see somebody might need some help? Nope too busy worrying about themselves.
And when I did ask? Nobody helped..

It's a wonder we all aren't nuts..then they do THIS??? WTF??? 

[Searching4Answers]

It is rather interesting that we can all relate to this

I am a firm believer in the universe correcting things - maybe MLC is the universes way of rebalancing us!

[Hope4ever]

I too am an enabler.MIL  is an evil enabler. She ruled the roost, throws her own pity party and then tells the boys what the should do to make it better...poor her and all she does. Of course she is also narc, she basically abandoned h for the bar scene and blamed h's father. Poor her again.
I too bought the homes, took care of the details , planned vacations, paid the bills and he just showed up. Now he calls me controlling, like I was given a choice.H you can take it all in, no problem, I would have given it up at anytime, but you were not inclined to take the reins.