[Becoming_simlpy]

Thanks Anjae, for linking my question to this thread.

Things are still the same with H being a passive aggressive bunny. I am bubbly, probably not good but hey I am not nerfing my personality with my kids.

H stays a lot on his own, I just mirror when at home,  I have finally learnt the uhmm phrase, lol it cracks me up though,  but I am watching my words when I respond. No monster lately so I consider it a win.

Still separate rooms this is not what I want but accepting. Living with a mlcer is hard but after reading this thread I realised that I am doing most of the gal and detaching and I like it.

[cvt]

This is the perfect thread for me.  New to the forum and have had some lovely messages, but most LBS partners are separated.  over the last few months we have had discussions about H moving out to rented, or not.  He has promised to change, then got worse.  Now he says he will not leave unless it is to buy a place; in other words he wants a divorce and half the house as he cant buy a place without his share of the MH.  I won't divorce him and cant see that he has any grounds to divorce me, so we are in limbo.

I do worry about the kids S13 and S11 but I am certainly not leaving.  H is classic conflict avoider.  Had v troubled borderline abusive childhood so is probably also passive aggressive - certainly displays signs of it.

I would love to hear from those who are further on in the journey with tips on detaching whilst still living in the same home.  I pay no attention to his comings and goings (he goes out a lot with his new friends and who knows who else) and have stopped doing his laundry, but am still cooking family meals as the boys would find it odd if we did not all eat together.

Sraya, what is the uhmm phrase, and do I need to learn it?

[Becoming_simlpy]

The uhmm, phase is a way of acknowledgement, it is to let them know that you heard what they are saying. And it also is a way to keep your mouth zipped. 

I have no monster, just passive aggressive at times, nice at times, like you I cook if I am home before him, he cooks for everyone now if I am not home.  Had an interesting conversation about when I completely college,  H advised me to follow my passion and not Shere the money is...... who is this guy, first I don't earn enough,  now do not concern myself... My brain is fried. Ha

[riverbirch]

Mine left in Oct 2012,came back and forth after a while,then home 2014. Left for 2 weeks into his own place,Oct 2015. He had found out his dad was dying of cancer. It started a mini bd all over again. Came back and he's home now.

He is NOT done. Some days I think I'm the crazy one.

[cvt]

Aha - I see, thanks Simply (I just can't call you BS - more apt for our Hs I think). 

I am the same, only rarely see Monster.  H likes to take the moral high ground when it comes to money and suggests that I am the one being unreasonable (yes I am so unreasonable asking him to pay money from his business into the joint account to pay towards his share of the bills rather than paying all the bills solely from my income - as I have been doing for the last few months!!!)  Still mulling over how to tackle that one...

I can only assume your H is offering you advice from the MLC bible - follow your passion and don't give a s**t about anyone else's needs, etc - when he tells you not to worry about earning any money.  But then again, maybe in the warped world of the MLCer, there is another explanation?  Not something I think I want to explore or, like you, my brain will get fried.  I do think though that it is very important to enjoy as many parts of one's work as possible (although in the real world rather than the MLC world we do have to think about our work meeting our financial needs, without job fulfilment well-being and self-esteem is at risk).  I hope you are enjoying your college work and think that it is a great way of improving your life in so many different areas.  Good for you Simply!

RB, how can you be the crazy one, when he is the one doing the coming and going?  We have to hold onto our sanity and know that we are the rational ones, or we will not get through this.  Stay strong!

C xx

[Mary A]

My H is at home and tehre's not much monstering. It would be nice to have more tips as to how to go about with them at home.

For the time being, as it has been advised, the relationship talks never lead to anything good! My being nice and graceful always helps but sometimes I find it very hard to do.
More tips as how to treat them? More tips as how to detach living in the same house and keeping exactly the same routine as before BD?

For the time being the only useful way I've found to detach is reading this forum!

Good luck to all of us!

[OffRoad]

I'm not sure my tips would be any good, since mine moved out after a year and a half, but to save MY sanity, I treated him like just another body in the house. I didn't instigate any conversations, thanked him if he brought me anything, stayed in my room or was gone, made food for myself and S17 (D20 when she was home), and if H wanted to eat, fine, if not fine, the kitchen closed when I cleaned up for the night. If H left a dirty pan, I washed it and hid it for my own use, but not his. He oddly learned to clean up after himself.

Take care of yourself. Do things your way in your timeline. If your MLCER  is in your way, figuratively or physically, side step and keep doing it your own way for you and your kids. It sounds trite, but continue forward as if he is not coming back and is just some guy who lives there. Pay the bills that affect you and your kids, let him sort his own mail and paperwork. Put money in an account of your own. $20 at a time if you need to.

I also colored. A lot. And drove off road. So hobbies are your friend.

[Becoming_simlpy]

Off road , preach hon. Hobbies are your friend . I read a lot now and not just mlc, I read quite a bit of fantasy, magic and the likes. My first priority is my girls, and now that we have a new bundle baking, tadpole and me . H can do as he pleases, I cook clean cause I enjoy doing these things, but I realise H  is unable to express emotions, I know he cares but for me things have changed I care too but I llove me and my life is growing, I am excited, I have a softness back that mlc and distancing forced me to shut away so I could be strong. But my softness is my strength . light and love all, life goes on either way and gifts are abundant, even when they seem double edged.