There is also very little information for those who live in, the articles are written from RCR whose husband left, therefore there is little information that we can refer to, so make our own!
One of the biggest problems for me is the whole detachment issue. They just won't let you detach. As hard as you try to emotionally detach, there mere presence in your living quarters prevent you from not being involved in some way.
My MLCer is now 15 months in and still at home. He works from home and so I see him all hours on school holidays unless he takes OW and her children away.
I disagree to a certain degree with the comments above. The articles do talk about the MLCer who has gone but the advice about detachment, dark,dim, rule of 3 etc....... are still extremely valid and useful.
I am relatively detached from my H now and am less and less interested in what he is doing. He too has stated that he doesn't want a divorce but still seeing OW and still very much in escape and avoid.
I think you can become detached and live your life for you and be less and less affected by his actions - but that is why the advice about work, hobbies and living as though they are not coming back, apply to us even more than to those whose MLCers have left.
Re conflict avoidance - there is something in that but I do not think it is typical of a stay at home MLCer. A lot of conflict avoiders will run from the home and to the OW because they mistakenly think that it is the LBS that causes the conflict. My H is probably avoiding conflict more than he did. He never used to be a conflict avoider. I was the conflict avoider and whenever he got cross would try and calm it all down.
But then in the early days after BD I was the angry one- I shouted and screamed, I did everything I could to force him out.
And then I read a sentence from an ex MLCer which said " When my wife stopped reacting, I started thinking..." and from RCR -" Act with grace and dignity - remember Anne Boleyn - heads will roll."
I am lucky I guess in that I chose early on in the crisis, when I realised that my ability to do my job was at stake (no threat from management btw) to look after me. I was fed up of crying all the time, I was exhausted and in need of guidance because he refused to leave. So I ended up a blob on the floor of the alternative health centre and was gently strong-armed by this woman who became my therapist. All she has done is help me work on me and then I joined the dots with the articles and other books including the Drama Triangle by Catherine Holden.
I learned to stop reacting to anything he did. I also remembered something my mother said when I was a new mother - " Win the war and lose a few battles on the way. Valour was never won by anger"
I have not mentioned the R at all since New Year.
I learned a new way of speaking - one word "uhuh." This can be said in a variety of tones and works wonders in the conversations. When H starts rambling on and tries to bring up anything vaguely with the R, I say a mixture of the following " It's interesting that you think that H or what makes you think that H? and/or I'm sorry you feel that way but you know it's not true. "
I have a phrase book of just a few phrases and I have stuck to it like glue. It helps me be responsive rather than reactionary.
Now H is still at home, he works from home so when I am at home in holidays it is 24/7. I now choose whether to engage in conversation with him.
It must be working because H asked our bookkeeper " Do you talk to SnD?"
"Yes"
"What about?"
"Children, work, holidays and you occasionally"
" How is SnD - how does she feel?"
" How do you think she is feeling?"
Silence.
He has asked again yesterday and this time BK said " I don't know"
It is clear he can no longer read me and therefore by default I am getting better at detachment.
See we are a whole different breed of LBS.
I agree - we are a different breed and finding ourselves facing the MLCer daily is exhausting but I think we are the ones who can establish a line of communication that touch and goers can't.
And I think we can become stronger sooner because we have to really learn how to build our own lives in spite of the MLCer trying to pull us back in.
I think we also learn to recognise the fishbait/ hoovering attempts.
I think we also learn how not to talk about R and when to simply withdraw which paves the way for setting boundaries and increasing your ability to detach.
I agree with the co-dependence bit and realised that we were both co-dependent. I am learning not to be and he is finding that somewhat disconcerting, for when I do something that I used to talk to him about , he will make a childish comment about how I don't need his opinion. I just smile and say "You're right H. I don't. "
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The live in MLCers