[Has your MLC'er filed for divorce?]

Has your MLC'er filed for divorce?

No, still living at home.

3 (7.5%)

No, but has threatened (living at home).

4 (10%)

No, but we are separated.

14 (35%)

Yes, paperwork is in process.

11 (27.5%)

We are divorced.

8 (20%)

Total Members Voted: 40

[LIVINSTRONG]

Hi Still
responding to your poll

I gave H d papers in Dec. I went to the lawyer had the paers drawn up and made him pay the $800.00,  then when  I gave him the papers in Dec. I told him all had to do was contact the attorney go to his office pay another $200.00 to file and it would be done in 30 days.
 
Well here it is April and he has yet to take this very simple step and is now making contact again.
He stopped by couple weeks ago and called yesterday to wish me happy  b-day 

I am currenlty is a state of comfortably numb ... feel ok if he files and ok if not . I did feel sort of happy  that he called , it felt more like hearing from a long lost friend than the H I loved so dearly

[Still]

livingstrong,

Good to hear from you!

Interesting changes with your H. It is even more interesting how you are changing.....I don't think anyone can predict how we will react when our love is stretched beyond any conceivable possibility.

[hampc0cv]

yes, H filed for divorce in August of 2010 and it was final in January 2011.  I didn't want it and he couldn't even look at me in court.  He still has not contacted me about anything. I still wonder why he won't talk or contact me and he still has things at the house to get.  It is like I don't even exist.  what could be keeping him from contacting me?

[StandandDeliver]

Thanks Niff Naff, we are on a difficult, crazy path!

Hi Hamp,

I guess that there are many reasons he may not be contacting you: guilt, a desire to just move on now that the divorce is final, regret, a whole mess of those emotions put together or even some sort of withdrawal and depression. In any case, I am sorry about your divorce, if you are continuing to stand, as others have said it is just a piece of paper and hope remains. If not, I still hope you find a renewed sense of yourself. Either way, this is an opportunity for personal growth and achievement. I watched an interview with Pema Chodron and she stated that with a good deal of hindsight, her husband's affair and departure was the best thing that happened to her, because it led her down the road that she is now on, a spiritual path that she would never have explored had her marriage continued. (Not suggesting you become a Nun, btw , also, at Eleanor Roosevelt did all of her work building the UN and working on human rights after the discovery of her husbands affair with one of her friends when she was 35, two amazing women who work (ed) for the good of humanity on a worldwide scale despite personal tragedies in their own lives).

All I am saying is that there is life after BD and life after divorce and you should grasp it with both hands!!!

[covenantkeeper]

I am so glad you did this poll again! Last night I told my husband the majority of people that I am aware of in MLC do not seek a divorce. They may separate, may even be living with others, but divorce is not mentioned.

He seemed shocked by that. I told him it's because these people might be in MLC, but they're smart enough not to jump to conclusions and file for divorce.

My h is so unhappy that he put all of his stock in a divorce....thinking that would give him a cure for all his woes. However, every decision he has made has only brought more problems. Not to mention digging himself a huge financial hole he will never climb out of!

[LoveMeMyself]

Just jumping in to say what my exH told me.  He admitted that most of the decisions he made in the beginning of this were ALL BIG MISTAKES..................but the decision to divorce has yet been mentioned as a mistake.  He has said he regrets EVERYTHING he did (affairs, purchasing vehicle for OW, selling property, spending money), but will not admit or confess that the divorce was a mistake.  He states too much damage was done and there's no turning back.  Go figure.  So, does that make him too prideful to admit it or does that mean I need to just forget about the possibility of him returning?  I personally, do not see any of his actions as "fixing his unhappiness".  He's still unhappy but claims he will be happy when............he gets another job and can move on. 

[Dontgiveup]

You do not need to forget about him returning.  It sounds like he's still doing some running....not uncommon.  He seems to have realized the other woman didn't make him happy, but now it sounds like he thinks another job will make him happy.....so I would say he's still running.

Jim Conway says the Four Enemies of the MLCer are body, spouse, job, and God.....so I think him thinking another job will solve his problems fits in with what Conway is saying.

Just my thoughts.

[LoveMeMyself]

DontGiveUp,

    You always come through for me with the best advice.  I'm still hopeful and I still love him.........but I guess the distance and the lack of contact tends to send my thoughts in this direction.  I guess that's just normal.  I have read Jim Conway's book but had forgotten that about the four enemies.  Thanks for reminding me.  I am not fretting any more nor did I sit around thinking of him constantly.......even though he is still very much a part of my thoughts on a daily basis......just not all the time.  I'm enjoying my life, my time and my friends and family.  I sometimes do things and later think that if H was around I wouldn't have done this or that.........so, I am enjoying the freedom to come and go as I wish.  There's still the down times and moments of loneliness but I guess that's true for all of us here.  As someone else said, "just because they are still home doesn't mean they are "in their lives".  We just have to accept the cards and keep praying for a better hand.  Thanks so much, DGU.  I appreciate your insight so much!

[Glimmer]

Thanks to everyone who voted.

Exactly the same number of people voted in the last poll.

The divorce rate is slightly higher 22% compared to 16% in the first poll.

The MLCers who have left and taken no legal action is more or less the same.  Around 50% in both polls. Very interesting.

Why is it that so many of our MLCers are convinced that they have made the right decision to walk away from a 'bad' marriage and yet half of them take no legal action whatsoever.  Could this be down to fear, finances or is it because deep down they are aware that their behaviour is so out of character that they don't want to 'burn their bridges' as my H says.  Maybe they want the option of returning home someday, and can't see their new lifestyle continuing permanently and want to keep the LBS on 'standby' just in case.? 

What do you think?

[In this for ME]

I don't know if I want to even post what I think but I'm gonna give it a shot
Excuse the anger 
I think because he was already "ahead" ( If that's what we want to call it) of the emotional divorce game he had already thought out the other possiblities and knew there was a pretty good chance I'd still be around.

Since I had NO IDEA that he was going to do this he was banking on at first the "best of both worlds"

He could live his fantasy life with Exow and see me whenver he wanted because of the kids. He even told me he wanted to be able to load ALL of us up in the car and go to the movies together!! 

But I'll bet ANYTHING he banked on if it didn't work out with her that I'd still be around. He would KNOW I wouldn't get involved with anyone else if for no other reason than the girls. He knows enough about me that I would want to set an example for THEM and not be running around with various men. Besides the fact I have them all the time which really leaves me no time to persue another relationship. I would not leave them alone for any extended period of time-especially overnight.

He knew the time it took him for this so called "emotional divorce"" and he was pretty sure he could work his "ya-ya's" out while I was suffering through this nightmare the SOB. Then  tell me it was payback for the EA I had 14 years ago-no harm no foul.

I know he even knew I've been working like hell trying to figure out what our relationship was missing ( because I told him very early on) so he KNEW that would keep me busy for a while.

Well guess what? Maybe what I did wasn't any better than what he did; BUT I was trying to CLOSE a door NOT open one. Now he didn't only open a door but Pandoras Box!!! And his payback to me was in SPADES due to his behavior and watching the girls suffer.

Many of the other friends I have have said :He wants to make sure you stay right where he put you; and I'm beginning to believe them.