[ruggedendurance]

I just read your post and your H sounds exactly as my exW.     I look back and I realize that she never has been happy.    She appeared happy when we were extremely busy or she was surrounded by people.    She had a "sweater" of depression that she wore at all times.

My father suffered from depression also.    His was severe.    I never really noticed it in my exW until she had been gone for a while.   

Apparently.   Growing up with my dad built a "tolerance" in me.

Unlike your H.    My exW vanished.     I thank God for that.    If she was a clinger?    I would not be able to deal with her.    I am certain I would have washed my hands of her.

I really don't know how the people on this site can put up with a clinger or a boomerang.   My tolerance isn't strong enough to deal with the BS that I read in this forum.

I am positive that I would have ended the stand.

As for my situation?    She took out a restraining order on me when I found out about her affair.   That restraining order is a Godsend.    She hasn't been able to contact me in any form for over a year. 

From what I am hearing.    The affair ended shortly after it began and she is currently living by herself in an apartment.

She ran away from a very nice house that we remodeled together.     Complete with theater, pool table and hot tub.   The house is surrounded by gardens that she planted and loved to tend to.

I've had the luxury of being able to distance/detach without the typical MLC games being thrown in my face.

If she EVER figures out what is wrong with her?    I will be happy to talk.   

As she was insane when she left me and I have to believe she is still insane.........   I am content with things as they are.

[nah]

I have come to a decision and while i know that this site brings a lot of comfort and helps people to process their feelings as they try to find out why, why, why.  I cannot help feeling that for me personally it is difficult to GAL when i am still spending time trying to figure out my XH's behavior.  As long as i am still doing this i have not really freed myself from XH, i am still focusing on him while GAL which in itself is a paradox.

Since Moment has left the forum I don't think she will ever read this but I am very grateful to her for this thread.  It did give many of us insight into what we all desperately want---answers.  Answers that most of us will never get from the one person who would be able to give them to us- our MLCers.  I have also thought many times of the paradox of being on this forum and "GALing".  I'm just not done with searching for the answers that I may never get.  I am comforted with the stories of others on here that make me believe that I am not crazy.  Something is just not right, it's more than he after 28+ years of a great marriage (his words) that he just "fell out of love". 

I have also thought the same thing moment has brought up of maybe he isn't depressed and maybe he and the girl are happy, "in love" and all that crap.  I mean, he is choosing to stay in this situation that he created so it must be what he wants.  Nobody forced him to leave and nobody forced him to buy a house and move in with her.  Is MLC real?  Are we (the lbsers on this forum) the only ones who believe?  Why does the general public think it's just a joke?

Even moment, who started this thread with a look into the mind of a MLCer has strong doubts.  Don't we all doubt at some time?  What pulls us back?  I'm not a true stander.  I have a boyfriend and I am truly living like he is never coming back.  There is still a piece of me, though, that just can't completely let go and believe that our story is over.  I guess that is why I'm still here. 

Good luck, moment, I hope you find peace.

[superdog]

I agree. My h was never truly happy either. Happy people don't moan as much as my h did. Happy people don't sit around watching life pass them by. I read this quote of not being afraid of dying but being afraid of not living. I live by that quote.

Fred, it's just my opinion, but I think women are designed to tolerate emotions way better then men primarily because we are meant to develop our young and they are filled with emotions from day one. Even down to recognising which cry meant what. It's natures design outwith societies teaching.

The people with clingers reach the line also, but perhaps a bit later than men. It's not really the emotions that tips the line either, but the disrespect for us as human beings.

Sd
X

[Dagolark]

My friend S, whose story I've posted on my thread, who is currently severely depressed, also told me that actually she has ALWAYS been depressed and was never truly happy... hard to believe, I was there when her daughter was born, I was there two months ago when she was preparing for her wedding and for the ceremony, and seriously - if she wasn't happy then she would deserve an oscar for pretending so well... but I have often read that depressed people can't remember ever being happy, I think?

As for unhappy MLCers who have sat idly letting life pass them by - accurate portrayal of my X. I have known him from age 24 to now, age 33, and he hasn't taken a single step forward in his life, except finally going to live on his own now. Work on construction sites until 6 pm, then tv/videogames, then dinner, then more tv, Saturday night drinking at the same pub with his loser high school buddies (the ones who are also still living with their parents, unable to have a real R or a career or grow up in any way).

I have done so much in the same timeframe - age 17 to 26 - that I find it impossible to imagine what it's like to spend 9 years in complete stasis, and the one step forward he took - move in with me one year ago - was just too darn much to handle and he had to run away with a 20yo to keep pretending he's a teenage wannabe rockstar a little bit longer. I don't know what I will do from here to age 33 but it's surely going to be better than what he did with his life...

[living with Hope]

I have examined my life with my husband so many different ways and I am having trouble beleiving the "truths" that he sees.

Yes, my husband suffered from depression.  He had bouts of it throughout our marriage.  But he also had  moments of being him.  I can tell you the difference in my man when he was well and when he was not.  I can look at pictures and tell you by his eyes if he was in a state of depression at that time.  It is haunting to look at.  So when my husband told me that I was responsible for his unhappiness that he has felt his entire married life, well that was when my head and heart went - "woah...that can't be possible."

I honestly don't think my husband has been miserable his whole life. I think he has periods of time that he has been. That he can't explain or understand. I think those periods started to last longer and longer.  They started to meld together in time and he can't see past the pain to remember the good.

My son says he can no longer remember the Dad he once had. He can't remember the man I talk of..it has been 2.5 years since his Dad has ran away and probably a good 4 since we started into this abyss.  My child is 17 - he had 13 years with an active and present Dad (the depression never took him away from his kids, he used to sleep more but it was never directed at them or me for that matter) and he says now he can't remember that person.  So the mind has a way of tricking you.  I think my son doesn't remember so he can't feel the acute loss that has occurred.

I think depression rewrites and blocks the truth.  It is the ultimate lie to one's self.

[trusting]

I have examined my life with my husband so many different ways and I am having trouble beleiving the "truths" that he sees.

I think depression rewrites and blocks the truth.  It is the ultimate lie to one's self.

Exactly.  It clouds their past and their future. Can't remember things ever being good, can't imagine things can ever get better. 

I too have gone over our life together with a fine tooth comb and just can't see the things he does.  For instance, my husband has told me several times that our marriage was bad for years.  One time he said, "You HAVE to have seen that."  Guess he was getting desperate for me to agree.  But it wasn't.  A man who is unhappy doesn't treat his spouse with as much love and care as mine did.  I have tried to "reason" with him, but with an MLCer, that is speaking to a brick wall so no point.  I did one time say that (up until his MLC) I never doubted his love for me or felt insecure about our relationship. Can't imagine I would have felt that way about a "bad" marriage. 

Sigh.

My husband too did have a couple times, looking back, where he was emotionally unstable and depressed, etc.  But for the most part was very normal and engaged in life.  Didn't see this coming.

[CallanG]

Great post Back to Me , my H has also said that he has been depressed for many many years , I think he is right I think that he suffered from low grade depression probably for most of his life . There were times that he was very down on himself which I now know to be depression but there were also long periods when he was happy but they could end very quickly . Looking back he is so similar to my Father and his own Father .

Low grade depression does not meat that it is a softer depression it means that someone can suffer all of their life having lows and highs , left untreated it can lead to a very major depression often triggered by an event. I have read an excellent book called "The Half Empty Heart " it was like reading about my H , my F and FIL .

[nah]

BD was about a 2 minute conversation.  The first sentence was, "You know this year hasn't been good".  I knew he had been "grumpy" but I really did think it was stress from work and his health.  That's what he said and I believed him.  As for long term depression, I just don't think so.  He even said that in letters the following weeks that we had a great marriage, he just "changed and didn't know why".  Maybe he has rewritten history in his head but he certainly hasn't said anything to me. 

If your husbands think (even if it's untrue) they were unhappy for years, I can understand their need to leave.  What about mine?  He admits we were happy for 28+ years, it was just the last year that he crashed.  Has anybody else's husband had this "sudden crash and run" or is mine just the biggest idiot?

[CallanG]

Nah having long term depression doesn't mean that they were unhappy with us it means that depression was always bubbling below the surface but not depression cause by us . BD for me was as much as a shock as it was for you .

[nah]

Oh, I didn't think their depression was caused by the LBS.  I just think if my husband was depressed it wasn't for very long.  When I look back at the months before he left, he was acting different.  Now I can see the depression before and after BD.  If he was depressed over a long period of time, he did a damn good job of hiding it.