[Returned]

I think it is very very difficult for a person who has not had experience with a spouse with MLC to understand the dynamics of a MLC relationship.

In a sense MLC is like a poker game that is rigged, no matter what happens you lose. That is to say it may be easy to find points of dissatisfaction that the person with MLC has with the spouse. One could make an argument that it is the LBS fault. Why did the LBS not change to meet the needs of the person with MLC?

However when you are in a relationship with someone who has MLC it really doesnt matter what you do, the person with MLC is unhappy. That is to say you offer them chicken, they say they dont like chicken. You offer them beef and they dont like beef. The food is either to hot or to cold. The person in MLC just plain doesnt like things. The MLCer has a long list of unmet demands, most of which have never even been verbalized. It is not unusual for the MLCer to blame the LBS for things over which they have no control. For example a MLCer might blame the LBS for the weather, for the fact the MLCer lost his job, or that their kids did not grow up to be corporate executives. No matter what has gone wrong it must be the LBS fault. More often than not the MLCer doesn´t like his job, doesn´t like his wife, and doesnt  like his kids. So they build a fantasy where if they just meet the RIGHT PERSON they will find happiness. The first woman (or man) who throws themselves at them becomes part of the fantasy, and they run off together leaving the wife and kids to pick up and deal with the wreckage alone.

The thing about fantasies is that eventually they break down, and the MLCer is stuck with reality and has to start all over again. Only now they don´t have a job, or a home, or a family that loves them. They have thrown it all away.

However I think the key thing which defines the MLCer and differentiates it from a normal marital breakdown is the lack of empathy. In a normal marital breakdown it is possible to engage in reasoned conversation, and neither side necessarily wants to hurt the other. In MLC the MLCer is characterized by alternating coldness and rage and an inability to care for or about his family. The LBS is shocked by the lack of normal human compassion.

I am not saying that the LBS is perfect, I am just saying that from the beginning the LBS doesn´t have a chance. It doesn´t matter whether the LBS is perfect or not, they are still doomed to failure.

[Anjae]

May I ask what are you TheTruth? A LBS? A MLCer? A recovering MLCer? A curious bystander?

[trusting]

I would echo Anjae's question above.

I don't think anyone here would say they had a perfect marriage.  I just know that I had a very healthy relationship with my husband for almost 20 years before he MLCed.  We had issues, all couples do, but we worked them out.  Indeed, in a normal relationship with normal marriage difficulties, you work through it, or at least make an effort. 

My husband is a total opposite of who he was pre-crisis. That screams to me that there is something dreadfully wrong.

I think I would have known if there was something fatally wrong in my marriage. My husband's behaviors and actions would have let me know, and he would have told me.  He couldn't have been acting all that time.  And believe me, if he had told me, I would have done by level best to work on issues with him.

[Dontgiveup]

I'm not sure if you've only read the forum or if you've also read the article section on this site.  I don't read the forum very often, but I'm very familiar with the articles......so I wanted to provide the insight from RCR's articles to your question.

From Midlife Crisis Takes Time
Though no one is perfect, in the beginning you will search your own behaviour for what went wrong. Since the MLCer often offers a long list of your transgressions, it is not a difficult search. In the beginning, many LBS's accept this blame, using it as the excuse for the bad marriage. For many experiencing this crisis in their marriage, there was no bad marriage. Though nothing is perfect, many problems were not significant enough to warrant danger. The problem is the Midlife Crisis. Some of the MLCer complaints are valid. Listen, validate and affirm, and then filter what feels valid to you. This crisis is not your fault; it would have happened regardless of your behaviour.

In Brief, MLC is about unresolved issues from childhood or adolescence. The MLCer must now resolve these issues and reintegrate the fragmented portions of the Self. Since these are issues of a younger person, they need to be resolved by that younger Self--thus the MLCer will regress in age.

[nah]

 or that their kids did not grow up to be corporate executives. No matter what has gone wrong it must be the LBS fault.

Mine actually said to more than one person (b/c he rarely talks to me) that he was upset that the kids grew up.  Yes, with a serious face he is mad that the kids grew up.  Normal divorce?

[thetruth]

May I ask what are you TheTruth? A LBS? A MLCer? A recovering MLCer? A curious bystander?

I am a man whose marriage is in crisis.

[honour]

Surely to goodness, there can't be so many perfect spouses, meeting all of their spouse's needs want' etc. that the term "mid-life crisis" came about only because of the MLCer and his/her behaviour, how its all the fault of the MLCer and that the LBS should just let them go and spin (my words) till they grow up

I am a man whose marriage is in crisis.

Do you have concerns that you may have caused the crisis in your marriage? It's not unusual to feel this way if you have been fed a lot of BS, been gas-lighted and subjected to covert aggression and manipulation by a wayward spouse.

[OceanLady]

The Truth,  I whole-heartedly agree with everything that was written here by all of these very smart and well spoken posters.  Thank you DGU for that quote from RCR as well.

Yes, we are here to support the LBS's because we are in the same boat and we understand their pain like no outsider does.  We hold each other up and give strength to each other when needed.  We do listen to each other about what we may have done to cause this disaster in our marriages and none of it is bad enough to cause what our loved ones did to our lives and our children's lives.  These people have withdrawn and withheld love towards their families until we finally see that something is very wrong with this picture.  If you are able to read the beginning of most of these threads (many are 3 or 4 years old and not available in this years' threads), you will see that we have looked inward and are working on ourselves.  We all know that we are not perfect!  Many of us did change things at home that our spouses all of a sudden were complaining about....and they left anyway.  I doubt that many MLCer's have taken that journey, instead they have chosen to run away because it was EASIER than the alternative.  Their depressed way of thinking and their behavior became childlike; so like little children, they throw a tantrum and leave with the OP and usually take or spend all of the money with no regard for their children or spouses welfare.  They work in Denial mode and tell themselves "this will not hurt my family so I will do as I please and they will get over it".  Their depression has caused their feelings of love for their families to be buried deep down inside and they feel nothing, that is until the first OP comes along and pays them attention and validates all of their false issues about their spouses and then they are 'in love' (chemical infatuation) with this other person in a very short period of time.  Then, the marriages break apart and most end up in divorce court.  So yes, we are here to support each other thru good days and bad days...or years.

I am also waiting to hear your response to Anjae's question.  I do not think you are a curious bystander by the tone of your statements.  I think maybe you are in early MLC, but denying it, or that you are here to cast doubt that MLC even exits.  Well, here you have hundreds of people that will tell you otherwise from all over the globe!!!!  There are too many similarities for this all to be a coincidence. 

[Returned]

meeting all of their spouse's needs

Thetruth this is in fact the phrase which demonstrates your identity as a man in MLC. You believe that the role of the LBS is to meet all of their spouses needs. This is incorrect, both because it is impossible, and because it is the role of a mother, not a spouse.

The spouse is a separate person, they exist just like you, not to meet your needs, but as a separate individual who shares with you. A spouse may love you, but it is impossible that they will meet all your needs.That is because your needs are YOURS, you determine what they are. If you set the bar to high, they may be impossible for anyone to meet.

[nah]

meeting all of their spouse's needs

Thetruth this is in fact the phrase which demonstrates your identity as a man in MLC.

I agree with lj, the truth, but please don't feel like we are here to attack you. 

If you need help, a place to vent, a place to help understand what it going on, this forum is for you.  If you are confused what you are feeling with yourself and your marriage, you must have questions, please talk to us.  We are here to help each other.  If you do think you might be at the beginning of a crisis, believe me, we have a million questions for you too.