[terrified_in_TN]

I have to admit, I am very interested in the OPs post.  For all I have read over and over and over again, this is still one confusing aspect to me.

I seem to have read both sides of the equation:

1)  This is about unresolved childhood issues.  You as an LBS had nothing to do with your spouse in MLC.

2)  Due to unfulfilled needs of the spouse, this caused the spouse in crisis to go into MLC.

I can't remember verbatim but that is the two different ideas I seem to have read.  So, is the LBS not to blame at all or partially to blame?

As for my personal situation, I feel its kind of both.  I know my wife has been an accommodater her whole life, and basically defined who she was by those around her.  I also have my part to play in the years of complacency (emotional neglect) in our marriage.

-Terrified

[bipolared]

I could echo what everyone else is saying here but in particular, what nah said about these not being "normal" divorces.
 I can own up to my part in this(although some of my deficiencies were in response to the unrecognized  beginnings of my H's crisis) but most of us have been the recipients of stunning cruelty and lack of respect by our MLCers. 

I remember going out for drinks with my H a mere few days after BD and him talking about how excited he was at the prospect of getting out there to date;  he said to me, "Aren't you excited?" as if I would want to after my spouse of 17 years blew my world apart. 
Or when he would come home while he still lived with us and talk to me about women he could sleep with.  I would think to myself, "My God, normal people don't act this way, even when divorcing."  These are mild examples.  There is also the abandonment of our children by formerly loving, involved parents and sometimes even their seeming resentment. 
I have often been shocked by his bragging not just to me, but our children about good things in his new life that we do not experience on our limited means. 
Another difference in our situation is yes, we have all obsessed over our roles but the MLCer takes no responsibility for their actions.
 They have no blame in this, everything bad in their lives is caused by us and they pull no punches when enlightening us(I could make another point about things like using bagged salad or how one looks eating tacos being reasons given that I have seen on here but I won't).
I also wondered if you are an MLCer who has found the site.  We are very interested in your situation whatever the case.

[OldPilot]

Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your W  is on her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your W space  she needs to heal herself.

I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your W.

She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for W.
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Do you want a mentor?
Please make a post that says so and
If so one will be assigned shortly.

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[stayed]

I tend to agree with you terrified-in... I realize that the actual crisis was my husbands.  Totally his.  We all have choices, he could have taken a different route.  That being said, I too became complacent, boring, a little resentful too, if I am going to be completely honest.  VICTIM mode, big time.  You know the scenario, "he got to have a career, while I did labour intense jobs, min. wage, as they fit better into the schedule of mother/employer, role".... "always supported my h, but where was he for me?" 

That sort of stuff.  I am pretty certain I would never have done one single thing to change the way our lives were, at that time.  I felt I had ALREADY tried, he wasn't interested... shrug, shrug. 

My feelings about MLC and it being an illness, preventable ... or not, yikes, I fluctuate to this day about that.  My h admits, he knew what he was doing.  Sorry, but that to me says... "THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP doing it?" 

Good discussion... hugs Stayed

[CallanG]

Hi

You have received some excellent responses , I hope that you will post more as hearing different views can be a learning curve for all concerned .

Callan

[Medusa]

Echoing what others have said: the MLC isn't about the spouse but about them. During one session with my IC, when I was still blaming myself for the implosion of my marriage, I was talking about my choices. What if I had done this, that, or something else. And then I looked at my IC and said, "I would still be in this exact same situation."

Normal, rational people do not do the kinds of things to people they love that an MLCer does to the LBS. Would you, a sane human being, tell your W she should sleep with other men as long as their Pen!$ is smaller than his? Of course not, but that's one of the things mine said to me...and he was serious. Would you take your girlfriend camping the morning after your wife experienced the bad reaction to anti-depressants? Guessing not. But I got that one, too. And there is absolutely nothing I did to justify the way I was treated.

I wasn't perfect...I spent too much time working on my doctorate. Is that a reason to overspend! Is that a reason to unzip and put that Pen!$ where it didn't belong? No. I did not drive that man away. Could I have done things different? Sure. But I would still be tethered to a man with MLC.

The LBS and children are victims. Many of us have done everything we could to save our marriage, following conventional wisdom. It doesn't matter...the MLC must happen. As OP said, our job is to look to ourselves. We may be almost as broken as the MLCer, but the difference is, we are able to make rational choices (or, we reach that point once we've worked through the devastation).

Remember that one of the stages of a betrayed person is blaming themselves. As we work through our betrayal and look to ourselves, we do learn that we are not responsible. We begin to heal. But healing takes time. We must learn to let go of them. We cannot fix them: we can only fix ourselves, and we do at when we are ready. Period.

[xyzcf]

I read this today on FB...maybe MLC is different, maybe not but it says some interesting things and the taking care of ourselves is essential.

Sometimes people walk away from love because it is so beautiful that it terrifies them. Sometimes they leave because the connection shines a bright light on their dark places and they are not ready to work them through. Sometimes they run away because they are not developmentally prepared to merge with another- they have more individuation work to do first. Sometimes they take off because love is not a priority in their lives- they have another path and purpose to walk first. Sometimes they end it because they prefer a relationship that is more practical than conscious, one that does not threaten the ways that they organize reality. Because so many of us carry shame, we have a tendency to personalize love's leavings, triggered by the rejection and feelings of abandonment. But this is not always true. Sometimes it has nothing to do with us. Sometimes the one who leaves is just not ready to hold it safe. Sometimes they know something we don't- they know their limits at that moment in time. Real love is no easy path- readiness is everything. May we grieve loss without personalizing it. May we learn to love ourselves in the absence of the lover.
 
I would add that sometimes they were ambivalent right from when they first married and reach a point where this is just NOT what they want. Because we have freedom, we MUST accept that, even though we think that they MUST continue to love us because of the promises they made. For whatever reason, if they do not feel that love for us, we cannot make them. And perhaps, they are actually being honest with themselves and us for the first time in their lives

[CallanG]

Very interesting words xyzcf .

[stayed]

I would add that sometimes they were ambivalent right from when they first married and reach a point where this is just NOT what they want. Because we have freedom, we MUST accept that, even though we think that they MUST continue to love us because of the promises they made. For whatever reason, if they do not feel that love for us, we cannot make them. And perhaps, they are actually being honest with themselves and us for the first time in their lives

This is very interesting!  Indeed!   

hugs Stayed

[Anjae]

OceanLady, here is the reply to my question.

I am a man whose marriage is in crisis.

And now I have another question. Is your marriage is crisis because you are in crisis or because you wife is in crisis?

And it is not the marriage who is/has in/the crisis, it is the person. Lets not forget that single people have MLC, therefore invalidating that MLC is a marital/spousal issue.

As for a spouse meeting all our needs. No persob all the needs of another person,