Hi - I am like river birch. I had a comparatively brief MLC about 6 years ago, although the depression aspect could have begun about 3 years before the affair aspect. My H recently said that I never smiled during 2007. The background is that I convinced myself that my H did not truly care about me and was using me for my income to support college, cars and travel for his kids from his first marriage. (I met H a couple of years after that break up.). I did not appreciate that H was in a hard job and was doing what H was emotionally capable of doing to show me that he cared. But H had put me through a lot and really seemed to expect an unlimited amount from me. He was a workaholic with controlling, chauvinistic tendencies - I should do everything a housewife does AND work a full time job outside the home. AND do some largely "free" work in my profession for the wife of a colleague of his. I was exhausted and frustrated, and I had been unable to have a child. I really did not know what my place was.
I had a work colleague whose wife had kids from a prior marriage. This wife had an affair a year into their marriage, or about 2 years before I began to get close to this OM. For about a year, my colleague and I platonically commiserated in discussing our marriages. We never should have done that; we should've talked it out with our spouses or with counsellors. Moreover, OM's wife cheated on him first, and my H had not cheated on me. But I felt very intrigued by my colleague, who was very smart and interesting, and always doing something exciting. We then began a PA for a few months.
I was pretty reckless and my H figured it out fast. I viewed H's resulting frantic efforts to pay attention to me with cynicism. I could see the pain in H's eyes and in his voice, but I remember being unable to empathize with it. I did not want the life I had previously had with H. I felt H would reel me back into the same drudgery. So, I took a temporary work assignment away from home where I could see more of OM. At first, H did not confront me directly. H just turned on the attention and very much assumed the role of "my husband" - and the man I had dated and agreed to marry, who I thought was lost. H came up to near where I was geographically - to a course - and put himself in the way of the affair. H put us together on weekends, monitored me and otherwise "blocked" me from spending too much time in affair fantasy world. I began to realize how hurt H was and I was horrified. Perhaps most important, I had enough life experience to see that OM was indeed an "affair down." OM had more sophistication, broader interests and "life of the party" charm than my H, but OM's intelligence and charm did not stand up to my underlying love for my H, who at that time seemed more responsible and loyal. My H was also more physically attractive. I broke off the affair a few months after it began.
I think it is also important that I had a good amount of dating experience and married my H in my 30s. Many MLCers I read about - including my H (see below) - got married very young. My old boyfriend's mom had 3 kids during the 1950s. She was quite smart and educated, but in keeping with the times, was a SAHM. When "women's lib" rolled around, she took off for a time. It traumatized my old boyfriend for life, even tho his mom came back to his dad eventually.
Unfortunately, my H was not content just to have me back, which is what I thought he wanted - and what most of you on this thread seem to want. My H may be narcissistic, and he absolutely has a lot of childhood abuse and abandonment issues. For whatever the reason, H spun into his own MLC. Within weeks of my "return," H began a very public EA with a work colleague with whom he now shared an overseas assignment. H denies PA there, but no one believes him. I covered for that at H's work events, because I deserved the punishment. H now says that he discussed with EA OW whether H should divorce me. H does not acknowledge that raising D with his EA - and not with me - was a "come on" to see if EA would be there for H if H divorced me. EA was the Mata Hari, femme fatale type who liked being the confidante and fantasy partner of married men, but did not want them full time. So EA advised H against a second divorce. (Only this year did H reveal to me all this D talk with EA from 5 years ago.)
After H's overseas course ended, H was angry at the loss of his EA, but it seemed that H now "came back." I thought things were "fine" for a couple of years. H now says he was very angry during those years about my PA. Also, during those 2 years, I developed an illness, and H moved into a career transition, so his MLC really took off. H doesn't believe in EAs, so H says he still felt "entitled" to a PA. H started a long distance PA, and it has gone on for 3 years. H's MLC is far more like those we traditionally see on this board. Moody, immature, personality changes; cruelty; secrecy; constant lying. H appears to think I should compete with "damsel in distress" OW to make him happy. (And not bog H down with adult talk about Rs, real life, etc. So I usually lose this battle).
I found out about H's PA earlier this year. I was very angry that we had come through my PA and his EA and now he was wrecking our marriage. H initially came through with detailed plans for us to reconcile, and seemed to focus on me for a few months, but H could not tolerate any of the usual cycling upset from a betrayed spouse that I was feeling and displaying. I also had reason to suspect OW's motives, and when I voiced that, H veered straight back to OW. Sadly, I am now the one crying and hurt. About 10 days ago, H said that he had been the sentimental one in our M, not me, and that he had cried so much over me. He asked, What did I want now, a standing ovation (for crying over him)?
So this is a cautionary tale for men who want their MLC wife back. Will you be able to accept her back? If I'd known what I was going to endure - emotional torture by H - I probably would not have come back. To see H shift his sentimentality and love to this OW - who I'm sure, in his mind, has never betrayed him - is more than I can bear right now. I hope I can get over it one day. I definitely wish I could turn back the clock to 6.5 years ago.
Female Mlcer return stories
Author
Topic: