[eloise61213]

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There should be some law of divorce that makes the guilty party responsible for the emotional damage they cause their former spouse and provide for their recovery. Everything's split equally over here so let's hope the Karma bus will visit her and give her half my pain.

I TOTALLY AGREE!!!

My divorce is just final a month ago. The court asks that my ex carries a life insurance for X # of years to cover me in case of his death. Instead of listing his 2 children as secondary beneficiaries, he listed is gf!!!! Go figure.!!!!

[Janus2014]

It depends on your state.  In some states - like NC- you can sue the "alienator for - you guessed it - "alienation of affection."  In some, like VA, there is no community property, there is "equitable distribution" of assets.  VA has no "irreconcilable differences" grounds for divorce.  To get into court quickly, the divorce must be due to adultery, which VA recognizes as intolerable.  The fault grounds - like adultery, domestic violence, desertion, incarceration - determine distribution of assets.

[confused_but_trying]

Her opinion as a woman is, once a woman has lost love, she rarely if ever gains it back!

It sounds to me like she's in MLC....son at 18 is the trigger (leaving home, etc.).  From what I've experienced, it is quite the opposite.  Every GF I've ever had who dumped me , except one (and she tries to be my friend and still flirts with me when I see her - she's friends with my sister), always came running back.  I've only taken 2 back though, a previous fiance (very stupid...I was young), and my W. 

Your co-worker sounds lost.  Mature people realize that the "in love" feelings are just chemicals, etc.  Truly being in love is a choice.

I agree with this.  Please keep in mind that what I am about to say is merely my opinion, and well you know what they say about opinions . 

I think that in order to be completely 100% detached means that you have to chose to not love that person any more; that you have to sever the emotional tie between you and your significant other.  Sure, you can still care about them, but the emotional tie is gone. 

I feel that complete detachment is why so many LBS don't take their MLCer back.  When they say that they have "moved on" what they really mean is that they don't love them any more because the emotional tie has been severed.  This is why we have to be careful with how far we go with detachment. 

Jackolar:  I think this is why GALing and such has not helped you with how you feel.  You have chosen to remain emotionally tied to your W.  You still love her.

[Jackolar12]

Hi CBT, your spot on I love her to bits and don't want no other. Only wish she felt the same sigh......
Regards
Jackolar

[confused_but_trying]

Hi CBT, your spot on I love her to bits and don't want no other. Only wish she felt the same sigh......
Regards
Jackolar

Me too bro

[Really?]

Yep -  I am in the same boat. I believe that to be able to really detach i would have to let go of what I feel for her and once that happens there is no real turning back.  I might actually go very quickly from loving her to despising her - and I don't want that.

In many ways I am dreading that it comes down to a race on her coming to her senses or me just loosing "that feeling".

Having said that, according to W she was ready to call it quits last summer, and only my persistency in being around her, trying to connect to her etc.  - made her even consider to work on our relationship. Yes the kids play a role but according to her that is only part of it.

The other element is that I have been careful not to judge her because of what happened.  Did I complain about her hurting me, about being inconsiderate etc.  -definitely. But I never caller her names or implied that she is a bad person and that see her as not being a fit mother etc.  Not to burn any bridges is important to leave a return path for the wayward spouse. 

[Jackolar12]

Hi SS, we seem to have commonalities in our stand, I don't run her down as a person I just say to the children that some times good people do bad things. Can my endurance standing beat her fog, I don't know it's best left to God to sort out. All I know and feel is there is a higher power at work at this time.
Regards
Jackolar

[Dji76]

Detaching has proven quite tricky. I have been able to detach from W's words and most actions. I still love her as a person but don't necessarily feel "in love" because there really is no connection between us at the moment. I have been working on deciding exactly why I'm standing but ill put that in my own thread.

[Dontgiveup]

One of the keys to being able to continue your Stand is to develop and practice detachment. You can choose to get off of the emotional rollercoaster, but it takes time. If you can do that, you can gain the strength to make it for the long haul. Worry about how you will feel about her when she comes out of the fog when the time comes.

Your wife's MLC antics are not directed at you. I wouldn't say that she's not thinking of you at all, but her pain and how she chooses to try to deal with it are unrelated to how she feels about you (or may feel about you in the future). The more you read about and learn about MLC, the easier it should become to develop that detachment.

Good stuff and a reason why the articles are so important.

[Really?]

The challenge is to balance working on the relationship and detaching.  W and I are officially actively focusing on the former (albeit I have sometimes doubts about W commitment) so any detachment could  be seen as giving up on that.

But I really like the line on worrying what one feels for the MLCer when they actually come out of the fog rather than now.